It's about just time.....

I have been having very bad gastric till I can't sit up last Thursday night. But, it didn't stop me from thinking.

Had my farewell dinner with Dr ET and Bakut. I do understand that both of them are concerned over my well being and end up both of them could not hold back any longer to just sit silent and not doing anything.

Yes, they counsel me after dinner at Sushi King. Their questions kept me pondering about till today.

I do admit that all this while I am in the self-denial state of convincing myself that I love this man a lot and by doing my best this relationship will go on. But, I guess I am wrong. Even outsiders can see that there is only one hand clapping instead of two, and me trying so hard to hold on tight.

I have no idea when this man will wake up and start moving and changing things. As he has once told me, he would like to sleep through all his problems till one day when he wakes up and feels like solving them all. I did question myself, "When should I wait until?"

I may have convey and shared my plans and everything to him. But, has he done the same? In truth, I am still clueless and in the dark. I may have known 70% of him, but I am still pondering about what does he really want from me and in life.

The truth is, this problem is only a small problem. But, since the accumulation through this 2 years it has profoundly became a bigger problem than it is supposed to. The end result, it has affected our communication.

I can feel that the gap between us is getting larger and larger day by day. His only excuse to me is that, he can't change in one night. Yes, I understand no one can change in one night. But, in order to start you have to take the first step and continues with it no matter what difficulties comes across your path. Sadly to say, I am not seeing this in him.

Furthermore, Dr ET made me understand that, for both to communicate well, we have to be excited to share fully 100% with each other, as wanting your partner to know everything about you. I am eager to share with him but I am not sure about him. He always tells me that all this while he has no one to talk to and now he is not use to it. I have to ask him questions in order for him to tell me. I now realized that, that is just an excuse. If he has the heart he could have just try and do it instead of giving me that excuse.

Another thing, I finally understand what Bakut and Dr ET meant by 2 paths becoming one. Yes, I very much agree to that statement. As being single now we both walk different paths. To think of the future, we have to share and compromise in order to cross to make a path and walk together. And now, he may only know of what I have a raft plan for the future. But, me asking him... I have never got a definite answer from him. I know it is too early to plan. But, still it is important for to have at least a basic plan in order for both sides to compromise.

At times I wonder n ponder upon, how can you achieve your goals and dreams if you do not plan for the future? Talking upon them will not make you succeed. Because you don't have a plan to work things out. If you were to plan and things does not work out your way, you would not lose anything but gain more than expected experience. I just wish he could understand this. I am very worried over him. His age is catching up, and I am very uncertain of what is his goals and plans. I feel that perhaps he himself is uncertain about it.

In fact I feel that, he believes 100% what his parents have to say and follows blindly without considering whether it is right or not. The most simple example is that his parents in front of me ask him to drink Pepsi. Cause that will heal his dry cough and clear off all his flam. In basic knowledge, it does not heal n get rid of the flam. In opposite way, it makes the cough worst and gives you more flam. I told that to my experience 83 year old grandmother, and guessed what, I grandmother laugh her ass off and commented the stupidest thing she has ever heard in her whole life. Speaking of non-cold coke with salt or 100 Plus she would agree as those can really help, BUT Pepsi??

If I were to ask Ina's father, a specialist doctor or any of my medical friends, I would be again superbly embarrassed. No wonder after 2 times consulting the doctor he never got cure from his cough. And I can guarantee that even he would to see a specialist or a 100 doctors he will never be cure for taking his parents words. Guess what Chicken said to me when I told her about this incident, "His parents dare to say that in front of you, knowing that you are so well educated and all that makes things worst?"

What can I say? It's not that I did not tell him off. He chose to believe his parents than me. Man... I maybe young and inexperience, that does not mean I am ignorant with the world. I believe that my family and the knowledge gain in these years of studies has equipped me well enough to face the real world. At this point, really for the first time I can identify that he is really a mother's boy. In other words, a frog in the well that only depends on his parents saying and no others. Not even the person that he professes love upon.

My doubts has been growing each time he tells me he loves or appreciates me. Cause I cannot feel them as the gap between us is getting bigger. I think it is my mistake for trying to hard to hold on to this relationship. I think it is also my mistake for loving him too much, till to outsiders thinks that he takes me as someone that serves him and not a partner and companion for himself. Maybe if I have the don't care attitude towards him, all this would not have happened. I guessed all these while my actions has pushed him away instead of getting closer to him.

Since, I have been thinking each and every hour lately, I have finally set a dateline. It's until end of March for both of us. If there is no improvement, I guess it's time to let go no matter how bad it's going to hurt. At least it will end both our misery and unhappiness being together. All I can do now, is pray that it works between us instead taking the hurtful way.

True Colours (Pt. 2)

As promise the Second part...

Haiz... the second day has arrived. What I was asked to was to take them for 'dim sum'. If you really want to eat real good 'dim sum' in Pg there is one in town and you have to go real early in the morning. BUT... No! Bunny's parents only wanted me to pick them up around 8.30am to about 9am. End up, we went some where near my uni for 'dim sum' since they insisted.

After that, as plan went up to Pg Hill. On the way down I was asking do they want to have lunch before they wan to go to Pg Turf Club? YES... Believe it or not, they requested me to send them to Turf Club. They are here not on visit but gamble. They said no lunch, when my stomach is rumbling. What more could I say, it was just few days back I got my first gastric.

At the end sending them to Turf Club. At the same time I was rather relief. At least no more the nagging of an unknown language. At the same time, I can meet up my coursemate to do my assignment.

End up picking his parents up at 6pm and then we went for dinner. Next I was asked is there any beer serve here. Again... I was like... not shocked... Just maybe speechless. Told his dad I am not sure and he has to ask the waitress to see. Then they wanted to go to Beach.

Took them to Bt Feringgi for the night market and his mum insisted that she wants to go to beach. Took them there though. We were like walking at the beach, and both of us like starting to get into our conversation, and after that.... walah.... his mother keep interrupting our conversation. It's so blardy annoying!!!

The next thing she told me was, "There is nothing at the beach here. Why want come to the beach and walk?"

I was like WTF!!! U insisted and now.... ***SPEECHLESS***

Then his father keep bugging me, where he can go drink. End up we are at Lab again. The usual spot that I always hang out with my group. After ordering, I told Bunny I want take a walk. He told me to wait for him and his mother was goes, "Why you want to go walk in the dark?" Erm....I was like aduh "To get away from her and have sometime of my own."

I will just skip some parts. The part that I really got annoyed was when we were driving back. His mother again non-stop her talk. Sort of illogical speeches she gives. Best part is..........

_________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: How much is your father's salary? He can support you all or not for working overseas?
Rin Rin: ***WTF*** (in heart) ***Ignores....***
Bunny: How can you ask that kind of question?!!
_________________________________________________________________________________

I was like super annoyed, and wondering "you want to know that so that when you don't have money and my parents will provide, is it?"

Gosh... what a woman. She not only talkative that talks non-stop but super extreme "KAYPO". This evidence will come more later.

On the last day, Dr ET was all alone in office since I was on leave and Bakut was on mc. So, I took Dr ET to lunch with us. After all we are eating somewhere near the office. The place I am taking them there is famous for dry jawa mee, chicken rice and also the chicken shop rice.

Told his mum about the nice jawa mee that she wanted to eat was here.

___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: I already tried that in Turf Club. Not nice. Too sweet and sour. All the jawa mee not nice.
___________________________________________________________________________________

-.- just because one is not nice she categorized all as not nice. Fine... they just sat there like king and queen ordering their son to buy food for them. Yes, I don't know how to speak hokkien but I do understand from here and there. Besides, Dr ET is with me and she's a hokkien. His mother was complaining to the father.

___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: This place is so small and hot. No other better place to take us to? No one also wants to come here and eat. So, few stalls. So, few choices to choose from.

***Crowd started to pour in till everyone has to stand***

Swiftly she changes her saying.

Bunny Mum: This place must be very famous. So, many people and no place to sit.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Well, the second most embarrassing scene happens here too. The tea lady serve us our drinks and Bunny's dad paid for it. He gave RM50. The tea lady was holding lose change of RM 1 n RM 5. She slowly calculating and returning the lose change first, and Bunny's mum shouted...
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: We just now gave you RM 50. Where is the rest of the change?!!
Tea lady: Wait, the money is in my pocket and I am calculating.
____________________________________________________________________________________

At that very moment, all other tables and passersby was staring at us. Indeed at that Bunny was not at the table as he was busy buying food for his parents. Gosh... Dr ET and me turned tomato red. I don't understand why the impatient. That tea lady is old so why can't let that poor lady slowly count?

Back into the car, suddenly they asked is there any tourist area in Bayan Lepas? I was like... "It's all factories here. The only place is Qb Mall." His mother was again complaining in hokkien.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: Finally, we are going back tonight. There is nothing here in Pg and no nice food to eat.
Dr ET: Pg here not much place to visit. You come Pg is to eat.
Bunny Mum: Nothing nice to eat in Pg also.
Dr ET: I though Rin Rin took you all to alot of nice places to eat?
Bunny Mum: Cannot eat alot la. Scared fat.
____________________________________________________________________________________

-.- Is that logical?

After I dropped Dr ET back at office. Bunny's mum started question Bunny in Hokkien about Dr ET. Does she has a bf? Where is her bf? What does he work as?

Bunny didn't translate anything to me. I can understand all that. So, does that prove her "KAYPO-ness" yet?

Nevermind, we shall skip to dinner. His mother was making noise since the day they arrived that she wants to eat KFC. Insisting that Sg KFC sucks. Took her to KFC, she insisted she only wanted 2 pieces of chicken wings. (Colonel Chicken Wingz were on promotion 5 pieces) Bunny ordered the snake plate of 2 pieces of chicken wingz for her. Back at the table... (in hokkien)
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: Why the chicken so different? Is this not the promotion chicken wingz?
Bunny: I though you said you wanted 2 pieces? That's the only set with 2 pieces of chicken.
Bunny Mum: I wanted to the promotion chicken wingz on advertisement.
Bunny: That is 5 pieces of chicken. You said you only wanted 2.
***Silence***
Bunny Mum: *Eats* The chicken sucks. It's so dry. So small, not nice. I don't know why we are here eating KFC.
Bunny Dad: You are the one insisted to eat KFC since the first day so what are you complaining?
___________________________________________________________________________________

The whole conversation was in hokkien and I was left out. Cause to them I don't know how to speak means I don't know how to listen as well =D

Sorry to say so, I do understand here and there. I do appreciate the times they were concern about my unfinished assignment. But, I don't appreciate that his mother were quietly back stabbing me behind. Yes, it does not sound like a back stab. Then again, no one knows if she does that when I am not around, right?

This final part, it's kind of embarrassing. We are at KFC in Qb Mall, we had sometime before I was to send them to the bus station and I was continue doing my assignment at the next table. His dad is whistling as usual, the next thing u see is that, he put up his leg on the chair. Erm... I agree at times I do that when I am at home. But, that is in public. And I guess people around were shocked as well as I am. Cause people who passes our table will like really turn and look at our table at Bunny's fathers' direction. Again, Bunny was not at the scene as he was at the toilet.

Well, that's not the gross part. The grosses part is while we are eating. Again his dad ate like never eaten before and he really spit out the bones of the chicken as he likes. Best part, his parents tell Bunny that Pepsi can cure dry cough and they asked Bunny to drink more of it @.@

Can some one give me some advise about this? I wonder what life would be after marriage and staying with his parents as he wants that... =(

True Colours (Pt. 1)

During the first 3 meetings, everything was fine. It's not that you don't have bonding with his parents. I do, u know? We met, we talk, we went out together, we had lunch and dinner together, I even cooked a meal for the family.

It just didn't show. Everything seems so normal (I won't use perfect, cause no one is perfect). Till the weekend.....

Here it started...

Bunny was coming to Pg to visit me at the same time for the first time we are celebrating V-day together. Well, I am excited about it, after all I have never celebrated it with a partner before. Most of the previous V-day, I am all alone or celebrated with friends. But, the thing is... I am not very happy about it. He is bringing his parents. Yeah, we are to celebrate together with his parents and to have dinner together.

I can't blame Bunny much too. The last I was at his place, his mum was insisting that the next trip he is to visit me, they are tagging along.....

I thought everything would be fine....

The morning after I picked them up, his parents insisted to sleep in my rented room as they were tired and at 3pm only they can check-in at the hotel.

Gosh....can't they wait till they check-in the hotel?? I was shocked... Speechless... But understanding they are old... In fact much younger than my parents, I just allowed them to sleep in my room for like 2 hours. And since my room was so small, me and Bunny had to sit in the living room.

Next, when they woke up the first question they asked me was, "Can you take me to buy Toto, 4-D, Magnum?"

I am SHOCKED!!! I have no idea where to buy them. I HATED GAMBLING and I HATE GAMBLERS!!! Yes, I know Bunny's dad like to gamble, but never would I have thought that he came all the way here to gamble.

FINE!! I called Dr ET and Bakut and asked about it. Then took them for breakfast. His mum was insisting to eat Mee Jawa. I told her I will take her to eat nice one later. Then insisted to go to Pg Hill.

-.- we are suppose to go in the morning not in mid-noon at 12pm... I told her that. Fine, that settle things. I was still fine though...

Dinner time... GENG!!!

When I reach the hotel to pick his parents up, OMG... The way his dad dress is like some Ah Beng. Well...nvm... we continue our journey to our little place of a nice V-day dinner. His parents were sitter the table in front of us, he helped his parents to order since they don't know how to read English.

You know the couple next to out table is really very young. They are like about 18 or 19. Whole night they were just staring at us. Why? This is what happens... To say so.... His mother is super talkative. She can talk for 2 hours non-stop. Yeah...soon i got really irritated about it.

Back to the story, she was talking so loud in the restaurant. And the best part is that she was talking to Bunny and his dad. **Please imagine, our tables are front and back** It totally ruin the ambiance of that night and since I was sitting face out, everyone was looking at our table. The second most embarrassing thing is that, his dad ate like he has not eaten in 30 years. Whole night, I only have my eyes on the table and food not wanting to look up. Cause mind you... all eyes was on our two tables, and at that very moment... I sort of imagine what would it like to be if his parents and my parents sat at one table... @@

Well.....no matter what happened, I just had to put up a happy face and pretended nothing had happened. And I even had to lie to him I enjoyed the dinner and everything.

All I can say is that, that's the worst ever dinner and V-day I have ever got. I rather celebrate it alone or with my friends to go through such a horrible evening ever again in my life.

To be continued......

Waiting...

This waiting is killing me. I really can't wait to get out of here...

Hello....!!! Mind you that I am already trying my best to apply for jobs and waiting for phone calls. Why the economy have to be down at this moment. Haiz.....

All in all I am not giving up on applying for more jobs. Then again... I feel that this bird cage is getting from worst to worsen. More and more stupid implementation without further consideration has been implemented. Not to mention, I can't wait to finish all my report. But, it seems that its never ending.

Then again, I can't wait for December for my long holidays..... Weeeee......... I am off to Singapore again.

Talking about traveling, I didn't get to travel much this year. Just got on by my Singapore trip in September. Probably I will travel more on the following year *****Prays hard that my pocket permits my travel allowances*****

(And I Envies Ling for traveling so much right after graduation @.@)

Depression + Stress....

I am very extremely depress + stress + pressured... I have tons of work load. And the report that I am on is huge. I can't even finish the searches even in four days. And tomorrow is the deadline for it. DAmn.....

Some more yesterday have to shift in the rain. As is was raining the whole day. And in the evening I have nothing to cook that I do not have any idea to what to eat. Well, lucky that my new housemate was having the same problem and both of us end up going out to eat. Lucky that my car was parked in front of our unit. If not I have no idea how are we going to get to the car. Besides, there were also floods all around.

Damn....I am still doing my work now. I really have a feeling that I am going to miss out important infos in my report. Shit.....!! I know that is going to happen. Damn....I just have that BLOODY FEELING of it...

Anyhow, I have been crying all week and feeling super down. It's either of my aunty or I am really to stress out with the bloody report. And my second report due on Tuesday, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON IT....!!!!!

Each time I think of home I will start crying. I really want to go home. I know I am running away from all my problems. But, I really want to take a break. I really regret a lot that I didn't take a long break before starting to work and also starting my studies. I feel so tired now. I really want to take a long break now. Not only that, when I think of Lex, I missed him so damn much. And I will start to think, why didn't I go to him after I graduated? If I have gone to him, at least I won't feel this lonely. Or perhaps, why did I continue with my Masters? If working back in Ipoh also it would not be as bad as now in Penang. At least here I have my family and also my friends. At least I don't have to struggle so much in Penang being so lonely and facing up so many things at the moment.

I really want to go home. I am DAMN BLOODY HOMESICK...

The start of Loneliness...

Finally, I am back from Singapore. First thing when arrive is to go back to office. Work...work…and work…. I just feel so much pressure from all the work. Then I have class again at night.

Things are just not right. I don’t know why. But I feel very down. It feels….. I don’t know how to explain it. But, I don’t like the feeling. I am starting to miss him a lot. Whenever I think of him I really want to cry.

I feeling much stress and depress at the same time. I don’t know why as well. Maybe I am getting a lot of work load from work and also the pressure and stress is there. I have two cases for this week and two big ones for next week. What more… I have exam this week as well. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. I have so many things and I really want to clear them off as soon as possible and yet I can’t get it done. I feel like 24 hours a day is really not enough. What more I am also very tired each time when I am back from work. Every time I am back from work, after I bath, I really want to sleep. But, I can never do that as I still have so much of my own things to settle. First, will be my studies, and secondly will be about my personal life.

Till today, I have still not started my proposal and also project. I really don’t know when I will start it and when only I will have the time to read up all the materials that I am suppose to. My memory is also a big problem. I am beginning to have really bad memory. I keep forgetting this and that, and making tons of mistakes in my report. Well, even though they are not big mistakes, but there are careless mistakes. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so useless and makes me start thinking that, “Am I suitable for this job or not?”

At the same time, I feel very lonely here. Especially, after coming back from Sg makes me feel the loneliness even more then ever. I missed all my coursemates that I always hand out with. I miss those times that all of us go eat and window shopping together and how we spent so much time in Niichi in Queensbay. Shit….!!! I really miss all of them a lot, and HATE the fact that I am here all alone!!!!!!!!!!!

It's over, It's tiring...

Sigh... Convo's over and I am damn bloody tired. Just send Bunny off and tomorrow will have to send another 2 off. NO...!! I am not happy about it. In fact very emo about it. Been holding back my tears when sending Lex off. What about tomorrow sending my best gals off too for tomorrow?

The last when we said goodbye, we are sure to meet again during convo. This time.... I am speechless. After this parting when will we ever meet again? Not only that, I am left alone again in this lonely place to walk this lonely journey of the the new phrase.

I am not very happy walking down this path. BUT, I know that I have to be strong to go through with it. Seriously, I have choose the worst and the hardest path to walk in. If I am given a choice again, I would not have done the same.

Life since July is bad. Tired to my bones that can break and lack of sleep most of the time. I just wish one day has more then 24 hours. Then I might have enough time to work and to do my studies as well.

Now, I am really feeling really lazy. I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, after 4 days of not working. This is really killing me going back to work and back to the most busy time.

I WANT A PROPER LONG HOLIDAY AND OUT OF MALAYSIA!!!!! Damn...not because of my work I would have been some where having a long holiday........ I hate it...!! How long more can I really take all this and this lonesome time alone again here???

Eve of Convo

Well... today's the first day of Convo in USM. Been a busy day as well. Woke up early in the morning just to get ready then fetch Bunny then drop him at Tesco and when for my interview at Altera. Was surprise to see Yoges there. Really didn't know that he is doing his internship there. Waited for an hour and no one came to interview me. And Yoges came in twice to just check on me. I asked for a reschedule though and it will be on tomorrow evening at 6pm.

When back to fetch Bunny at Tesco then when home to change and get my robes. Was having a photo session in the afternoon at 12pm at the studio. Preparations and so on took like about half an hour before the shooting when on. Then when to get my parents and to lunch.

After lunch then took them to check in and I went to school to attend my class. Was like dead tired by the time i finish class. Still hv to go home bath and take my parents and grandma to dinner. Well....after dinner still can't go home yet. Still have to go airport to fetch Carol's parents.

T.T anyway...got a parkin ticket while at the airport........ Damn bad luck.....

Anyway, everyone been asking me, am I excited about my convocation. I kind of like feel normal and nothing much. It just feels like "It's just another day you have to go through." Then again... maybe I am not there yet with my excitement. Not until tomorrow when the real thing comes. Or just maybe I am too tired to bother of it. Have been really busy since July with my studies and work and lack of sleep. Maybe that played a part in not letting me feel what all my friends are feeling.

I know Bunny is excited. Even though it's not his graduation. Haha....he is happy for me though that's one thing for sure that I know. What ever it is, I am glad he is here for my big day for tomorrow even though I know my parents especially my dad is really unhappy about it. He hasn't been happy since I started the relationship with Bunny.

I just wish they will just leave us alone. After all it's my own path that I walking it. I can't depend on others to tell me which path to take. Then again I can't sleep early for tonight as I have planned. Need to do up some preparations, pack up some things and do up a new resume for tomorrow's interview. Tomorrow will be a super tired day. As have to get up at 5.30am to prepare for the convo. Gotta register by 7.30am.

Still I have to drive back to Ipoh tomorrow evening or night after my interview. That sucks. Going to drop dead soon. Thought that I can have a Saturday rest before my Sunday rush. T.T

I am jst so tired...

I am feeling extremely tired. Convo is jst next Friday and I look like a walking zombie even before convo.

Damn... When only I can have a goodnight sleep with out to worry about the people and things around me.

Have been really down these few days too... I jst couldn't contain it all anymore. I don't feel lonely. Just that my frustration towards all my problems that never ending stacking up. One problem done then the next is up. Well... I am not giving up no matter what happens!!! I jst need to release my frustration and stress. At the same time I damn miss my close friends and Lex.... T.T

Sigh..... even now my weekends are all fill up and I can't sleep late on weekends anymore. -.- Need to relocate again end of this month, then need to travel home... Need to travel to KL and Singapore to do my research for my Masters studies... Arg.....!!! When only I can settle down peacefully???

I want sleep!!! I want rest...!!! Still tomorrow need to wake up early for to travel back to Pg to collect my robe and also to work on Monday. How I wish Monday is a holiday.

Ahahahaha.... Still I am still in a vry mix up state with all the mix up feelings.....!!!

6 days more to go...

Well..... I have 6 days more to go before my first day of work. Thinking back, I am really excited when I first got the job. Now I am feeling really nervous and also kind of scared about going to work on Monday. A lot of things keep popping out in my mind. I have been wondering, how am I suppose to get to work and will get bus to work and if I missed it how am I going to go to work and so on. There are so many questions lining up for me to answer them and I have no idea how to get through with them.

What else is that what do I have to bring to work on the first day and how should I be on that day. Guess doing part-time job is really different from your permanent job. I am seriously having a mixture of feelings at the moment. Now again I asked myself, "am I ready to take up the responsibility given to me? Sigh... I am really scared now that I will write a wrong report or analyst and then that's it...I lose my job....."

Well... I should just let nature takes it place =)

@@ Blink...blink....

I am back in Penang again, and I am in my new room. Finally, I have shifted out from hostel and from home. Still got lots to unpack and so on... Tired... Still have like 3 more boxes to unpack. But then, at least I adi have half of it unpack and arranged nicely. When up to office today to finally sign my offer letter. YEAH...!! I am finally officially employed!!! Sad thing is that now I have only 2 weeks left of my holidays before I start work and then my Masters in July.

Finally too, that I have made a decision to stay and do my Masters in Penang instead of applying to Singapore or to US or UK. It's a tough decision to make since that having a overseas Masters, job opportunity would be better. But, I guess now my work and experience is more important. In fact looking at reality, even Masters holders are not guarantee a job and what more of a degree holder.

After all it's not easy to get a good job and a good starting pay. Going through tons of interview and so far I was only hired by a company. And Thank God it's the company that I really wanted to get in. I guess that's how y final decision came of to just continue my Masters here and get work experience then maybe go off to Singapore to get a better job and perhaps to even continue with my PHD. I guess sometimes you have to make sacrifices for what is the best for now and future.

Dreaming my way.....

Dang...!!

Really miss my younger days. I wish I can go back to those days again. Growing up and being an adult is not easy. Especailly now, you are at the dead end and at the end of your Uni life. You gotta start thinking of getting and jobs and so on. It's so frustrating. What more, is that you have to look for a job and not knowing what interest you have in that job. Think again, what can my degree do? Who want's an English major? I can't seem to find a job that requires an English major, other then Management or Business or Engineering majors.

Each day I browse through jobstreet.com and newpapers... Mass Com Majors or those "important" majors needed but no place for English major.....

Wah....I want go back to dream land and forget about this world. I want go back to 16 or 18 of age instead of a young adult now!!!

Anyhow, I am like dreaming all the way through my final exams. I don't know what I am studying through out my whole exam period. Studying and trying hard to concentrate... But, my mind seems to be flying somewhere else instead of real concentrating on my studies. My mind's like thinking more of the future and also fantersizing something that will not come true..... lalala............ How to do my final paper like this on next Tuesday...??

Most crazy think is that, I have started studying on my last paper but still nothing seems to be in my head. In fact, I only seem to have a bit of memory of it and it's like an unclear memory of it. Really have to pump for my paper tomorrow the whole day. And Damn that tree diagram for Syntax.... It's really making me go crazy.... At least Semantics and Pragmatics are still okay and I still can understand them and remember them.

Lalilali pig pig... I am still in dream land and fantasizing on things...... Lalalalalala............... How to do well in my last paper being like this..... What more I can't wait for my Genting trip on Wednesday right after my paper on Tuesday... Then...I am dreaming of going to Kuching, Sarawak on first of May....but at the same time I also want go to Singapore to Bunny's house warming....... Wah.........How I hope I have clons of myself............... LAlalalalala..........I am going nuts with dreaming.......

Rushing everything, tired up life

GoD!! I am having my bad allergies again....... And I didn't even eat any seafood or anything that can cause my allergies. As a matter a fact, I hardly ate the whole week.

Hadn't been able to sleep much lately or either eat. Haven't even bought my own new year clothes. I am so broke to the maximum. And I am losing weight like mad. I only just realize that I lost 5kg and that my face slim down to near hollow. Lolz.... I wish to lose more weight then.

Been suffering from migraines almost everyday and as well as insomnia. Only manage to sleep 2 or 3 nights peacefully and the rest restless nights. Some how, I don't know how, just some how, I pulled and twisted my right ankle vain. Swell like a pig head since the second day and hadn't been able to walk much. It was surprising that I can stand 2 days of 8 hours work for both Sunday and Monday. What more to walk all the back to my room to just grabbed my laptop and come down again to online after last night work when I am dead tired and leg dead pain. At the end what did i get? Just because I asked a few questions and he just exploded on me. And the response I get is that I forced him, demanded him, and control him. Why?? All because the few questions I asked.

Forget it. I don't want to hang on anymore if he really decides to give me up. No point I keep holding on to him when he is not happy with me. The more I hold on to him the more is going to suffer with me and hate me a long the way. If my heart is to be broken by him forever then so be it. After this, after him no more man in my life. I had enough. The first was a cheater, liar and a freak. When I finally loved one, this happens. I seriously don't know does he really love me or not, or I am the only one being in love with him.

Work has been ok so far. But, it's really tiring and when especially you can't get any sleep or get yourself to eat but to force at least a bit of food down your throat. Maybe that's the reason why I am losing weight drastically.

Replacement classes are all filling in as well as one of my tutorials group got messed up. My lecturer actually put me in a group of another tutorial slot which is like totally impossible for me to work with them as my time of tutorial is totally different from them. What more, assignments and projects all came in at a single time and also due dates are too soon and it's next month. I feel like I don't have enough time for anything. Maybe it's because I am working as well and need to study, and attend classes. What more tutorial homeworks are like mountains high.

How I wish I am not broke to the maximum then I don't have to work and I could spend more time on my projects and assignments. In fact, don't even have the time to sleep. What more personal problems are really weighing heavily on my shoulders too. I guess that's one of the problems causing my insomnia and migraines. I even have piles of clothes lining up for me to wash and I hadn't have any time to even wash them. I really wish some one could just comfort me and lend m a shoulder to cry on.

Even I cry to the maximum and my eyes swollen also no one would care about me or know or even bother. Life is so messed up for me. I really want to get out of this mess and also stressful and pressure up life. I just want to go into my isolated world and isolate myself forever there and not care for anything about life or care for anyone anymore in this world.

Tired, stressed, and frustrated.

It's my 3rd day of work, and today I had morning shift. The last 2 days was ok and I don't have worried about my transport and all. Since I had the same shift as Saras. Today was ok since I had the morning shift and transport was ok since I can take the bus. But, now I have to worry about tomorrow and Monday.

Finally, after so many days I get to meet him online on webcam. I really missed him a lot. Especially when I had nothing to do during work, I really think of him and us. How I just wished that he is by my side.

But, I know we will have to go through a lot of hardship and crisis. It's pay back on what I have done in my previous relationship. There is always this saying that what ever you have done, it will hit you back one day. I guess what we went through the last few days was part of what I have to faced. The only thing is that I have to be strong to go through all of it no matter how bad things will be. But, I know I will never be able to say break up to him ever again. Cause I really love him and I really can't bring those words to my mouth to say it. It shows a lot when I tried to run from him the last 3 times when he was here last weekend. But, it didn't work. At the end I went back to him. I just can't bring myself to leave him.

Still I am really tired from work. And I just realized there is a presentation this Tuesday early morning. And my group have done nothing. Messaging my group mates and none of them replied me. I guessed I have to do the research and get prepared everything. I just hoped that I won't be too tired since there is another 2 more days before I can have my 2 days break from work.

Anyhow, we argued again now. What is reputation? Yeah, he thinks that reputation is really important to me. If so, I would not have started this relationship with him. I would have picked someone my rank or my status to have a relationship with it. There are things that can be joke about and there are some you can't. People may know that you joked about them, but still it brings bad impression. They may not show it out on their face but you never know their heart.

You think me biting him was a fun thing to do? It hurts me even more when it's suppose to hurt him and not me. Yes!! It hurts me 5 times more that I bite him. There is a reason behind it that I did it and I have been regrating each second I could. Why? Cause it hurts me more that I have hurt him. Even him getting angry or just giving me a black face or frustrated and stress with his work it hurts me. It just does, and I just feel so useless I can't help him and the more I tried to help him the more mistakes and I hurt him or make him more and more angry with me.

I am not talking about my reputation or how important I appear to people. But, due to his remindings and comparings of his best friend's wife, it hits me more. Will I be some day treated as her by others, by his friends? Would he be happy if I were treated like that? I know I think a lot. But, I just can't help it. I am just born like that. It really upsets me. And I know it's my fault that I find fault with him. It hurts even more, even though it was a joke that was said, that his friends could said those words to him, "If it were me, I would have dumped her long ago." It hurts hearing those words. I feel so useless, it hurts and breaks my heart even more. Cause it's my fault in the first place that i bit him. I just feel so useless that I can't control myself no matter how bad the situation was. I just feel so stupid. I just feel that his friends are right. Having a girl like me what good will he get? I just don't know what more I can do or response other than being hurt and feel my heart crack another crack, as I wonder when will this heart of mine finally crump to dusk?

Things just got from bad to the worst of the worst

Things just got from bad to the very worst. I don't know what happened but we argued and fight more then ever. It even got to the point that I ran away from him 3 times since he came here to celebrate New Year and his b'day here.

I just don't understand what I have done wrong that I deserved this kind of treatment from him. It just happened. Even there was his fault that he threw his temper at me but it just seems that it's never his wrong but my wrong and my fault. These few days are really bad and I just don't understand why. I even asked him what have I done to deserve how he treated me. We both finally break down and cried together on the night of countdown for both New Year and his b'day. But, still it didn't stopped there but another argument and I ran for the third time on New Year's day and also his b'day.

I just wished all those never happened. It seems what ever I have planned nothing went according to plan. Everything was just ruined. Including my heart. I also realized something during these few days and so much argument and fight we went through, I realized that I loved him more than he loved me. I could go to any extend to do anything for him or to just pleased him. I planned his b'day and his gifts so carefully but nothing worked at the end. I really don't know I was the one who spoiled it, or he spoiled it. There was not only once he raised his voiced at me or throw his temper at me during this trip. Each time he does that, my heart breaks more and more. And I even told him that I loved him more than he loved me. I really don't know he realized that or not.

But, at least today was his last day here and everything at least went according to plan and went well. Was rather unexpected that he never liked to wear ring that he suggested to buy couple ring. We bought a pair of silver ring and what more unexpected was he proposed twice in the car tonight while we were waiting for his bus to arrived. When he asked me, I really wanted to say yes to him. But, I didn't. I just felt that he don't meant it eventhough he asked me twice. I really do wished he was serious about it even though, I know now is too early to talk about all this. But, my heart was so filled for once by him. I just don't know why, I keep falling for him more and more when I keep telling myself not to. I just don't seem to be able to stop myself from it. More so it was really sad to part with him. Especially you are sending him off at the bus station. I really didn't want him to go. And I really wished that we never wasted the last 4 days with all our argument and fights. I really wished we had enjoyed the last 4 days liked today and be happy being together.

It's even sadder when you know that, we are not going to meet every month anymore this year compared to last year. And we don't know when again we will be seeing each other again. 3 months from now? During my b'day which is 6 months away? Or during my convocation in August? It may just seem three months we have been together, but it seems like we have been together for years. Our relationship started really fast and things went so fast and so naturally btw us. It's like nothing btw us was false and that it's like years of being together. I really don't know whether he felt it or not. He never tells me though.........