No IDEA what's up the next ROAD

Aiks... I just realized how long I have actually neglected my blog. Man... it's been since Feb.

Life have been really busy since then. Especially with work. Name it!!! We are SALVES for the company, where we get RM 1 from the company and they wants us to produce RM 10 work load + quality. More to say I was working till rather late at times (sometimes till 12am) Well, that's all I have to talk about work.

About my studies, yup have a lot of sleepless nights in March till April after my finals. But, all in all... I still enjoy my studies. And YES!!! I have gotten through my last semester exam. Really THank God for it.

At the moment, I'm contemplating whether to take up my dissertation or not for the coming semester. Man... I really can't make up my mind about it. Really need to clear my thoughts and think about it.

At the same time, I need to get a better job to get out of that place or all in all if I'm doing my dissertation must as well stop working and concentrate on my studies... :P

Mum's Day

HEh..heh..heh.... I am dead tired from the traveling and long distance driving. But, whatever it is, we made our surprise good for mum. Told her we weren't going to be home for her bday this year. But, anyhow we plan things out and we really shocked her. many thanks to the interview I had to attend yesterday. Travel all the way down to KL right after work on Thursday. Did a good planning and picked up my bro and his gf after my interview and straight shoot home.

Hehehe... My mum called when we were on the way. Told her I was meeting my bro at KLCC. End up she got a shocked when she saw us home.

No matter what, I had a great interview yesterday. And really praying hard that I will get it. In fact, I pretty like the environment of the office. At least I hear people talking and also phones ringing. Unlike the current place I working at.

Haiz... what can I say... I am working in a bird cage that does not allow people to talk to your colleagues. Oh... GOD please help me.............. T.T

November

It's already November. Time flies, and Monday is my Finals. Well, I am still preparing for it. In fact, I don't really remembered what I have studied the past few nights. Think cause of being so drained from work and home with dry up brains, I couldn't really manage to get anything from my studies into my brains. It will just have to be today and tomorrow to finish up everything.

Thinking of November... it is going to be December soon and then to Jan 2009. Times really flies. I have not even fully enjoy this 2008 year and it's already end of the year. In fact, I am rather unusual what has been going on around this year. Times flies so fast that everything just pass by as a blurry shadow. And I truly miss those times back in Uni with my course mates. Those 3 years, I truly enjoyed to the fullest.

Now, I really have to look forward and start planning on what I should do and achieve next year. Grrrrrrr..... must really achieve all my goals for next year... :P

Finally all done...

Finally, all the assignment, proposal and project has been done and submitted. Tomrrow onwards have to start to go back in worrying about my work again...

Sigh...I still have lots of work to do on since, am having four cases stagging up like moutain. Am not going to take home and do during the weekend. Will just have to go in early and stay back late again for next week to finish up my work for the next of whole week.

Well, finals coming up as well on the 3rd of Nov. Not looking forward for it and at the same time really hope I will get it done as soon as possible. What an irony about it. I don't even know I will get enough time to study for all the chapters or not. -.-

On 2 days leave = no leave

Well...I am glad that I am home again. At least a place that I don't feel so stress up. Then again, even I am on leave on both Monday and Tuesday, it's still same as no leave.

Gotta take my work home to do and also got my proposal, project and assignment to finish up. -.-""

So, what's the use of being on leave?

Another Working Weekend...

Well...it's another busy working weekend. Everyone looks forward for a weekend to rest and enjoy what they wish to do. Well... sorry to say, "NO!!! I don't enjoy my weekend! And YES I am working at home again!!!"

This is life. Everyone enjoys their first or second month of work. When it comes to the third or the fourth month, you see them dying or drying up. Prefer to say witter to death.

I am so not myself. My social life is dead now. Not only that, I am slacking on my studies. I am way behind from where I should. Now I am having a real difficult time to catch up. I just wish my work load will subside soon..... Or else you can just kill me with it.

@@... talking about my studies..... I still havent started my proposal and project work yet for my studies... Dang... after Raya have to hand in adi... And everyday I am still busy with my work..... grrrrrrrrrr........

Still in Depression

Being home is still being in Penang. At least now I feel better when I am home. But, thinking of tomorrow going back to Penang, ticks me off again. I am really trying my best to control my emotions. But, I keep failing. I told my mum I really don't want to go back to Pg tomorrow. I really hate the fact that I have to go back tomorrow. I hate the fact even more that the next round I am to return home was during Raya that week. Thinking back, coming home is really a relief for me from all the hazard and buzzer. It's been a month since I last came home, and the last I came home was together with Lex after my convo. That week was the most busy week ever. But, during the busyness I really enjoyed all of it and was very happy as well.

I wished that happiness would have last instead all the ugliness of things. YES!!! I really screwed up my report as I predicted. And YES... I was called in by both my manager and also backup supervisor. SHIT... now I really don't know how to face my own supervisor next month when she comes back. Whatever happens, everything is over. I should be relief that I was only call in to explain myself and to let them know was I too stressed in coping with two big reports at one go. Well...it's settled though.

But, something is still amiss. I don't know what exactly it is. One thing I do still know is that, I am still physically, mentally and emotionally down. I just wish that weekends are longer. At least I can rest more at home and clear off some of things that I need to other than work.

Seriously, I rather stay home in Ipoh to take care of my grandma in nursing home or take my other grandma out and be home with my mum. I feel if, I work in Ipoh also it wouldn't be this bad. At least I know there are people waiting for me at home after a long day of work. I am also human. I also need to socialize. I also need someone to be with. I may look strong, but I am not really what others think of me as. All I just wish is that someone close to be to be with me to comfort me when I am down. Instead of me battling this battle all on my own. I too have a certain limit in taking on things which I think I already have to much on hand that I can't handle it anymore. All in all I only can pray to GOD to bless this daughter of yours with strength to go on.

The start of Loneliness...

Finally, I am back from Singapore. First thing when arrive is to go back to office. Work...work…and work…. I just feel so much pressure from all the work. Then I have class again at night.

Things are just not right. I don’t know why. But I feel very down. It feels….. I don’t know how to explain it. But, I don’t like the feeling. I am starting to miss him a lot. Whenever I think of him I really want to cry.

I feeling much stress and depress at the same time. I don’t know why as well. Maybe I am getting a lot of work load from work and also the pressure and stress is there. I have two cases for this week and two big ones for next week. What more… I have exam this week as well. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. I have so many things and I really want to clear them off as soon as possible and yet I can’t get it done. I feel like 24 hours a day is really not enough. What more I am also very tired each time when I am back from work. Every time I am back from work, after I bath, I really want to sleep. But, I can never do that as I still have so much of my own things to settle. First, will be my studies, and secondly will be about my personal life.

Till today, I have still not started my proposal and also project. I really don’t know when I will start it and when only I will have the time to read up all the materials that I am suppose to. My memory is also a big problem. I am beginning to have really bad memory. I keep forgetting this and that, and making tons of mistakes in my report. Well, even though they are not big mistakes, but there are careless mistakes. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so useless and makes me start thinking that, “Am I suitable for this job or not?”

At the same time, I feel very lonely here. Especially, after coming back from Sg makes me feel the loneliness even more then ever. I missed all my coursemates that I always hand out with. I miss those times that all of us go eat and window shopping together and how we spent so much time in Niichi in Queensbay. Shit….!!! I really miss all of them a lot, and HATE the fact that I am here all alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Another busy week...

It's almost weekend now. And it has been a busy week since after a long weekend. Gotten 2 big reports when I was on leave last week. Talk about it.... THERE ARE BIG REPORTS!!

Thank God one was canceled. Still I am not reaching my target for this month. And for last month I am short of 1 report to reach my quota. Got another big case again today. It's due on the day after my half day leave on 3rd Sept.

It really makes me wonder, will I make it in time to finish up the report? Cause it will be another long weekend then, and I will be away next weekend in Singapore. Or else I will have to keep OT again next week like what I am doing this week. Arg.... all the training going on in office also it taking up my time to finish up the reports. The refresher course would be ok. But, WTH is with the English course???!!!! Hate that Jabba too.... he is so long winded over everything and delaying everyone's precious time.

Whatever happens... It's not like I am going to Singapore to enjoy or have fun. End up going there cause of my research work again. Well, I really need to get my proposal and project work started. Deadline coming up real fast. Die die...this weekend don't go for my Masters activities but go back to office to finish up my work... hehehe..... XD

Not long my family, friends, and bf will have to visit me in Tanjung Rambutan soon....... XD

Tired and Freaking OuT!!!

Gosh...!!

I am tired. Practically didn't get rest at all the whole of last week. Went home last weekend and practically spent most of the time at the hospital instead at home and rest. Well, at least I am glad now that popo is better than before and during the first few days at hospital. But, I guess it's worth it to stay overnight at the hospital to take turns to take care of her and see her progress of healing. I don't wist for her to go back to that torture house. So, I am really hoping that sis and mum can settle the house soon to shift popo away from that torture house.

Almost got sick and was really tired at work on Monday. Even fell asleep during test of IPDD on Wednesday. Lol... I actually already finish work that's why had a bit of time to sleep while waiting for others to finish. I am excited to go on floor and try out the real cases.

But, when it came yesterday as the last day of training, kinda hope that training will never end. It feels so much like you are attending lecture in Uni. It also got all of us started, "Whether are we qualified yet to be on floor for real cases?"

At the end we cannot avoid it. No matter we still have to be on floor today. Best of all Julia, Eunise and Roger got their cases yesterday. It was fast man. Before even training ended and they got their cases already.

Well, I did not get mine till today at 3 something in the afternoon. Was expecting for IEDD 2 reports but ended up getting an IPDD report... Scary my first report is the most important report. Best of all due date is on my birthday. Lol....actually a lot of things ending on my birthday even supermarket and departmental stores sales ends on that day.

Yeah...I just remember today is Friday 13... Bad luck day.... HAhaha....

Really it is. I only got my case 2 1/2 hours before end of the day and was rushing to finish as much as possible. You just have to finish what is possible. Once you get started on the job, there is no end to it and reports just start stagging higher and higher. Yeah... I would not be having as much as reports as the normal analyst. But, when big projects comes in I am so dead. Coz i will have to handle cases and projects ahead and there are only 3 Analyse Archive including me in the company, and currently only 2. The other will be in next month from the new badge.

It is scary getting real reports and I was like freaking out just now when I got my real case. Was so excited before but when the real thing comes it just scare you out of it. You are just scared that you may not provide the real information that what is needed. Sigh... I guess will jst hv to be confident about it and to face up with all challenges as well as all the responsibilities.

First Day!! FirST DAY!!!

Wow...!!

Was so nervous this morning when got to work. With mixture of excitement and scared as well. The worst thing is that I have to wait for nearly an hour to get a bus to work. Well, that was still ok after all I was to nervous for my first day till I was not bother about how long that I have been waiting.

It's a blessing as well to have someone you know working together with you and also starting the training together. But anyhow, I nearly freak out when I was called out by my manager from training room early in the morning. Thought I have done something wrong or so. Lucky it was only about my shift work. I am suppose to be on normal shift but was told to go on shift working starting on 16 June. That would be after my 2 weeks of training.

I think going on shift work is not that bad. At least you have half a day to run errands and not need to worry about not being able to get to the bank while you are working during working hours and so on. Best of all u get extra allowance as well as you dun have to worry about traffic jam. But, I do need to worry about my transportation. Well... an waiting for my own car now.

Training today was ok. Not too bad. Morning was just introduction and also orientation of cause. Then afternoon started on the real training. Was not too bad too. The surprise thing is that saw and got to know another acquaintance be starting work and be working together with us soon. Was lucky too that one of my colleague are staying near my place and that I can car pull with him till I get my own car.

At the moment I do really enjoy the work and so on. Lol...haven't even start on floor already am enjoying. Wonder when on floor handling real cases will it be as enjoyable as now or not. But, there are worries as well. Really afraid that I can't cope on real cases later and also with the responsibilities to be bared.

Rushing everything, tired up life

GoD!! I am having my bad allergies again....... And I didn't even eat any seafood or anything that can cause my allergies. As a matter a fact, I hardly ate the whole week.

Hadn't been able to sleep much lately or either eat. Haven't even bought my own new year clothes. I am so broke to the maximum. And I am losing weight like mad. I only just realize that I lost 5kg and that my face slim down to near hollow. Lolz.... I wish to lose more weight then.

Been suffering from migraines almost everyday and as well as insomnia. Only manage to sleep 2 or 3 nights peacefully and the rest restless nights. Some how, I don't know how, just some how, I pulled and twisted my right ankle vain. Swell like a pig head since the second day and hadn't been able to walk much. It was surprising that I can stand 2 days of 8 hours work for both Sunday and Monday. What more to walk all the back to my room to just grabbed my laptop and come down again to online after last night work when I am dead tired and leg dead pain. At the end what did i get? Just because I asked a few questions and he just exploded on me. And the response I get is that I forced him, demanded him, and control him. Why?? All because the few questions I asked.

Forget it. I don't want to hang on anymore if he really decides to give me up. No point I keep holding on to him when he is not happy with me. The more I hold on to him the more is going to suffer with me and hate me a long the way. If my heart is to be broken by him forever then so be it. After this, after him no more man in my life. I had enough. The first was a cheater, liar and a freak. When I finally loved one, this happens. I seriously don't know does he really love me or not, or I am the only one being in love with him.

Work has been ok so far. But, it's really tiring and when especially you can't get any sleep or get yourself to eat but to force at least a bit of food down your throat. Maybe that's the reason why I am losing weight drastically.

Replacement classes are all filling in as well as one of my tutorials group got messed up. My lecturer actually put me in a group of another tutorial slot which is like totally impossible for me to work with them as my time of tutorial is totally different from them. What more, assignments and projects all came in at a single time and also due dates are too soon and it's next month. I feel like I don't have enough time for anything. Maybe it's because I am working as well and need to study, and attend classes. What more tutorial homeworks are like mountains high.

How I wish I am not broke to the maximum then I don't have to work and I could spend more time on my projects and assignments. In fact, don't even have the time to sleep. What more personal problems are really weighing heavily on my shoulders too. I guess that's one of the problems causing my insomnia and migraines. I even have piles of clothes lining up for me to wash and I hadn't have any time to even wash them. I really wish some one could just comfort me and lend m a shoulder to cry on.

Even I cry to the maximum and my eyes swollen also no one would care about me or know or even bother. Life is so messed up for me. I really want to get out of this mess and also stressful and pressure up life. I just want to go into my isolated world and isolate myself forever there and not care for anything about life or care for anyone anymore in this world.

I don't know anymore, I just wish to disappear

I feel so lost these few days. After Saturday night argument with him, again he refused to contact me but just ignored me. Yeah, I have to be the one again to contact him if i really want to be happy with him. Cause he only expects me to go to him and not him to me. As usual his reasons are that he is tired of apologizing to me and letting me cool down and so on. I do some times wonder, is he doing it purposely?

Lost concentration at work the last few days. Took shoes from high shelf and it fell on me. On Monday got myself screwed by one of my co-workers for not being careful. Was walking on the side walk and kinda lost focus awhile, slip and fell. Bruised up my left hand. It still hurts till now as it's skin is off and there was split at the flesh. But, then it was not that bad. Just that I can't move it much around.

Tried to talk to him last night. And I don't even know he realized or not yesterday was our 4th month anniversary. I guessed he didn't even bother about it. And he admitted a lot of things that really break my heart. He admitted that I loved him more than him and I also realized that he can't really do or sacrifice things for me. In fact, I felt that he sees his reputation as a very important thing too. He even admitted if I don't messaged or go back to him, he would have continued to just ignored me. It really cut me like a knife. It hurts so much. I really wanted to cry that time, and I keep begging myself not to since I was in public.

I really want to cry. I cried, but I can't seem to cry all out. My mind keeps going back to him. I missed him a lot. I can't sleep at night, I don't have appetite to eat

I asked him today, did he meant what he said to me on 2nd Jan. His reply was he don't remember, then came next that he was sleeping and just simply answered me. He even said it was too early for that now. Then why did you asked me twice that night? He replied it was just teasing me, if really would, he would have got a ring and so on. You bought me a ring that day and u asked me on the same day twice!!

I felt like I was being played. My heart then breaks another crack again. I really don't know what I should feel anymore. I don't even know what I should tell him and what I should not. Cause I am so afraid that I will hurt him further or make him angry. And I am very afraid of how he would treat me. Those harsh ways and those voice raising that he would do. I really can't stand them. I really just want to break into pieces and fade away from this world. But, anyhow I told him to decide what he wants from this relationship. Does he wants to continue or not? I just wish he could just stop dragging me. I can't take all these pain anymore. What ever he wants, including break-up, I will give in to him. I don't want to hold on to him anymore if it hurts him so much to be with me.

I just don't know anymore. I just wish to disappear from this world. So, I don't have to worry about all these kind of things and life.