6 days more to go...

Well..... I have 6 days more to go before my first day of work. Thinking back, I am really excited when I first got the job. Now I am feeling really nervous and also kind of scared about going to work on Monday. A lot of things keep popping out in my mind. I have been wondering, how am I suppose to get to work and will get bus to work and if I missed it how am I going to go to work and so on. There are so many questions lining up for me to answer them and I have no idea how to get through with them.

What else is that what do I have to bring to work on the first day and how should I be on that day. Guess doing part-time job is really different from your permanent job. I am seriously having a mixture of feelings at the moment. Now again I asked myself, "am I ready to take up the responsibility given to me? Sigh... I am really scared now that I will write a wrong report or analyst and then that's it...I lose my job....."

Well... I should just let nature takes it place =)

@@ Blink...blink....

I am back in Penang again, and I am in my new room. Finally, I have shifted out from hostel and from home. Still got lots to unpack and so on... Tired... Still have like 3 more boxes to unpack. But then, at least I adi have half of it unpack and arranged nicely. When up to office today to finally sign my offer letter. YEAH...!! I am finally officially employed!!! Sad thing is that now I have only 2 weeks left of my holidays before I start work and then my Masters in July.

Finally too, that I have made a decision to stay and do my Masters in Penang instead of applying to Singapore or to US or UK. It's a tough decision to make since that having a overseas Masters, job opportunity would be better. But, I guess now my work and experience is more important. In fact looking at reality, even Masters holders are not guarantee a job and what more of a degree holder.

After all it's not easy to get a good job and a good starting pay. Going through tons of interview and so far I was only hired by a company. And Thank God it's the company that I really wanted to get in. I guess that's how y final decision came of to just continue my Masters here and get work experience then maybe go off to Singapore to get a better job and perhaps to even continue with my PHD. I guess sometimes you have to make sacrifices for what is the best for now and future.

ANNOYED and PISS OFF

Seriously, I am really annoyed and pissed off. What are they thinking? Am I some ball to be pass or kicked around as they like?!! Six interviews with DELL, and each interview is about an hour to an hour and a half. What more is that they have been passing me around in 3 different teams but of the same stupid department.

If I am not short listed then so be it. They don't have to pass me around from one team to another and at the end of the day they tell me that I am not shorlisted and they have recommended me to another team. Why can't they just leave me be like my other two unsuccessful coursemates? It's not that I am really into that job and I have to be polite and not to tell them off if I don't want my name to be blacklisted on jobstreet. Seriously, for my last interview, I just gave the don't care attitude and the lazy asnwers to them.

It's so sickening that I have to do the interview during a vacation and worst of all during my outing with my grandmother. Guess what... had that stupid phone interview for an hour standing at JJ carpet section... @@

Damn...!! What the heck are they thinking?!! If they gonna call another time, I am seriously going to fire them off...

Should I or Should I not?

I don't know anymore what should I do. I feeling very confuse with the suffering and pain that I am getting. I feel like I have just been slapped on my face a number of times. Or perhaps should be said that of not of slap but stabbed with a number of times at my heart. I can't contain anymore of these suffering pains that I am getting from him. Tired of it all.

How many times, I have to be hurt by him? Why can't he changed a bit for me? Why is he acting more and more or perhaps said he is getting worst? What have done wrong again? Why is he always provoking me knowing that I am very short temper with him? Why can't we jst have a peaceful New Year without him provoking me? Is gambling so important in his life?

He was never like this before. He always have cared for me knowing I would be traveling and so on. Today, he is totally different. Because of gambling he could forget about me and asked me not to disturbed him coz he wants to concentrate in gambling. What more asking me to pray that he will win. I know it's my fault telling him that I wish he will lose everything. What am I supposed to feel when I got that slapped on my face, "don't disturb me. I need to concentrate."?

It's upsetting. I am like at my limits. And what more at the end of day. Why ever did I care for him? I just don't understand why. Caring for him and I get stabs back at me. Was jst asking out of concern was he home adi or still gambling. Was I wrong to just asked? And his reply was he is home already and thanks to me he lost everything. Was it my fault that he wanted to gamble and lost everything?


He is always full of excuses when ever we engage in an argument that he provoke from me. Then I am always the one getting the blame. Did I not treat him good enough? Am I not giving in enough? I am already trying my best to contain my temper and I felt so much improvement that I didn't flare my temper so much lately but containing it. Yet, what have I done wrong to him to get such treatment from him.

I envy so much of my friends. And they are not even girls but are guys. They told me, they were log head or a cow once. But, for their girlfriends they would do anything and changed for them even though it's their everyday bad habit. I once did asked him to change. Later I guess, I just love him for who he is and I never asked anymore. But, I guess things do changed at times. And I am slowly changing for him yet he had changed nothing but of who he is. I just wonder does he bother a single bit of making me happy with him instead of always provoking me or just leaving me as i am. I too want to depend on someone and depend on him. I too want to feel the love from him.

I am really considering breaking up with him. I don't think I can take it any longer. I know I love him more than he does to me. And i know, if we were to break up I will never recover from it. It be forever a scare for me. But, I can't take his attitude any longer. The longer I stay with him, the worst he gets. I really don't know what I should do now.

Crap poem I wrote for our Assignments...

Lolz... This is one crap poem I wrote for one of the subject assignments for Valentine's.....


That's the cover.... I spent like 2 hours or more just getting the cover right and finding materials to bind it.... Lolz.... XD And not to forget the content inside. I burn my fingers getting the old looking edge of the paper...
Anyhow, here the poem goes...... Well... I was a bit in anger when I wrote it.... Lolz..... Don't think it ever matters.....

Dearest Love,

It used to be love,

Now it became hatred,

But, my love to thee grew stronger.

My heart breaks like a fragile glass,

Falls like stars in the sky,

Crumples to sand as it hits the ground,

Grinds into dusk as the wind blows.

Yet, I was blessed by God,

My heart was replaced and healed,

Allowing me to love thee more.

I asked myself,

Am I to thee a hateful parasite,

In thy blood,

Does thee hate me this much?

Thee always answer,

Thyself a parasite to me,

That thee live in my blood and heart.

Thee affects my heart and soul,

That I can never be separated from thee,

Thy anger and rage over me,

Yet, thee still the love of mine.

Let this prayer come true, And,

Thy allow this gentle fair maiden,

To love thee with her heart.

I wanna get real sick, forget and sleep

Tiredness is really getting on to me and yet I can't get myself to sleep. Think I am having my insomia again. My headache is being on and off the whole day. Well, today is a public holiday. Should not be working today, but then my supervisor called me in. So, I went for the morning shift. Have an extra day of money. It was also good that I worked today. It's still better than I just stayed in room the whole day and study or just read books and day dream.

But, it kinda sucks too. U don't have a single day in a week that you are totally free the whole day. Like now, I have work till Monday, and starting tomorrow till Monday are afternoon shift. Then Tuesday till Thursday, I have classes. Some times, I sit down and think do I have enough time for my studies and projects, presentations and so on?

Or I am just pushing myself to the limit so I have no time for other things or think of other things? Yeah, perhaps it's true that I am hiding from life by burying myself with all the work load, school and have the remaining time on my mountains of projects, presentations and assignments. I seriously don't want to face the reality and I really feel like running from life itself. Anyhow, I missed my bus back and since I was having light fever and headache, I straight took a taxi to go back. Spent my 4 hours work money just to get a 8 minutes ride back. In the end, I didn't go back to my room. Instead ended up going online.

I really wish I am dead sick till I can't get out of bed tomorrow. Maybe then I can have a day or two of pure rest and sleep without any time for any thing at all. All in all, I am just running from the fact that I missed him very much. I really want to see him, wish that he is by my side and hold me tight. But, I know that will never happen. In fact, I think I should just prepare myself to get my heart broken soon. I just had a feeling it will just happen. I seriously don't want to think of it or of him. It's so hard to keep myself for not contacting him. Each time I want to, Sal's, Ling's and Ee Mun's words repeat in my mind, "Why are you always going to him and not him to you? He should be coming to you. All guys only want gals to go to them to keep their pride. So, don't go to him no matter what." Trapped in between..........

How I wished I never met him, never knew him, never fall so much in love with him. Then perhaps I don't have to go through what I have to go through now. And each time I tell myself, I cannot love someone more than he loved me and I can't 100% love a person. I ended up failing all those and failing myself. I over loved him and now I am breaking. Gosh...it's so easy for me to tell Mei Chan that not to trust guys fully and love them fully and what the heck I got myself into.

I stilled remember the bad times she went through and how much she cried and heartache she went through. Looking back then, now I am going through the same path she had gone through, or perhaps even more than she had to go through. I just wish he could just get his decision done and stop dragging me. I am not some toy of a doll or a toy car to be toyed around or dragged around. I am human, and I have feelings too. If I have to hurt to death, why can't he just let me have that and be done with our relationship. If he wants to continue, why can't we just be together and he tolerate and care more of me, instead of just giving me a "don't know" as an answer. In fact that, he finds that fixing his friends computer is more important than answering and giving me a decision. Perhaps he is doing it on purpose to drag me. I am not angry or anything about him fixing his friend's computer. But, is it more important than dragging a human feelings here?

I just don't know and don't understand why is it so difficult to love one another for us? I really want to know, how much does he loved me all this while?

Man... the worst thing is that, even my friends could see that I loved him more than him to me. And now each of them keep reminding me or telling me to reconsider him. How can I just reconsider him, when I can't even open my mouth or get those "break-up" words out of my mouth to him? If we were to break-up, he would have to be the one to do it.

Anyhow, I need sleep and I want to sleep....... I just wish that my headache will just stop. It's damn annoying my headache, and my eyes are getting blur...

I don't know anymore, I just wish to disappear

I feel so lost these few days. After Saturday night argument with him, again he refused to contact me but just ignored me. Yeah, I have to be the one again to contact him if i really want to be happy with him. Cause he only expects me to go to him and not him to me. As usual his reasons are that he is tired of apologizing to me and letting me cool down and so on. I do some times wonder, is he doing it purposely?

Lost concentration at work the last few days. Took shoes from high shelf and it fell on me. On Monday got myself screwed by one of my co-workers for not being careful. Was walking on the side walk and kinda lost focus awhile, slip and fell. Bruised up my left hand. It still hurts till now as it's skin is off and there was split at the flesh. But, then it was not that bad. Just that I can't move it much around.

Tried to talk to him last night. And I don't even know he realized or not yesterday was our 4th month anniversary. I guessed he didn't even bother about it. And he admitted a lot of things that really break my heart. He admitted that I loved him more than him and I also realized that he can't really do or sacrifice things for me. In fact, I felt that he sees his reputation as a very important thing too. He even admitted if I don't messaged or go back to him, he would have continued to just ignored me. It really cut me like a knife. It hurts so much. I really wanted to cry that time, and I keep begging myself not to since I was in public.

I really want to cry. I cried, but I can't seem to cry all out. My mind keeps going back to him. I missed him a lot. I can't sleep at night, I don't have appetite to eat

I asked him today, did he meant what he said to me on 2nd Jan. His reply was he don't remember, then came next that he was sleeping and just simply answered me. He even said it was too early for that now. Then why did you asked me twice that night? He replied it was just teasing me, if really would, he would have got a ring and so on. You bought me a ring that day and u asked me on the same day twice!!

I felt like I was being played. My heart then breaks another crack again. I really don't know what I should feel anymore. I don't even know what I should tell him and what I should not. Cause I am so afraid that I will hurt him further or make him angry. And I am very afraid of how he would treat me. Those harsh ways and those voice raising that he would do. I really can't stand them. I really just want to break into pieces and fade away from this world. But, anyhow I told him to decide what he wants from this relationship. Does he wants to continue or not? I just wish he could just stop dragging me. I can't take all these pain anymore. What ever he wants, including break-up, I will give in to him. I don't want to hold on to him anymore if it hurts him so much to be with me.

I just don't know anymore. I just wish to disappear from this world. So, I don't have to worry about all these kind of things and life.

Tired, stressed, and frustrated.

It's my 3rd day of work, and today I had morning shift. The last 2 days was ok and I don't have worried about my transport and all. Since I had the same shift as Saras. Today was ok since I had the morning shift and transport was ok since I can take the bus. But, now I have to worry about tomorrow and Monday.

Finally, after so many days I get to meet him online on webcam. I really missed him a lot. Especially when I had nothing to do during work, I really think of him and us. How I just wished that he is by my side.

But, I know we will have to go through a lot of hardship and crisis. It's pay back on what I have done in my previous relationship. There is always this saying that what ever you have done, it will hit you back one day. I guess what we went through the last few days was part of what I have to faced. The only thing is that I have to be strong to go through all of it no matter how bad things will be. But, I know I will never be able to say break up to him ever again. Cause I really love him and I really can't bring those words to my mouth to say it. It shows a lot when I tried to run from him the last 3 times when he was here last weekend. But, it didn't work. At the end I went back to him. I just can't bring myself to leave him.

Still I am really tired from work. And I just realized there is a presentation this Tuesday early morning. And my group have done nothing. Messaging my group mates and none of them replied me. I guessed I have to do the research and get prepared everything. I just hoped that I won't be too tired since there is another 2 more days before I can have my 2 days break from work.

Anyhow, we argued again now. What is reputation? Yeah, he thinks that reputation is really important to me. If so, I would not have started this relationship with him. I would have picked someone my rank or my status to have a relationship with it. There are things that can be joke about and there are some you can't. People may know that you joked about them, but still it brings bad impression. They may not show it out on their face but you never know their heart.

You think me biting him was a fun thing to do? It hurts me even more when it's suppose to hurt him and not me. Yes!! It hurts me 5 times more that I bite him. There is a reason behind it that I did it and I have been regrating each second I could. Why? Cause it hurts me more that I have hurt him. Even him getting angry or just giving me a black face or frustrated and stress with his work it hurts me. It just does, and I just feel so useless I can't help him and the more I tried to help him the more mistakes and I hurt him or make him more and more angry with me.

I am not talking about my reputation or how important I appear to people. But, due to his remindings and comparings of his best friend's wife, it hits me more. Will I be some day treated as her by others, by his friends? Would he be happy if I were treated like that? I know I think a lot. But, I just can't help it. I am just born like that. It really upsets me. And I know it's my fault that I find fault with him. It hurts even more, even though it was a joke that was said, that his friends could said those words to him, "If it were me, I would have dumped her long ago." It hurts hearing those words. I feel so useless, it hurts and breaks my heart even more. Cause it's my fault in the first place that i bit him. I just feel so useless that I can't control myself no matter how bad the situation was. I just feel so stupid. I just feel that his friends are right. Having a girl like me what good will he get? I just don't know what more I can do or response other than being hurt and feel my heart crack another crack, as I wonder when will this heart of mine finally crump to dusk?

Things just got from bad to the worst of the worst

Things just got from bad to the very worst. I don't know what happened but we argued and fight more then ever. It even got to the point that I ran away from him 3 times since he came here to celebrate New Year and his b'day here.

I just don't understand what I have done wrong that I deserved this kind of treatment from him. It just happened. Even there was his fault that he threw his temper at me but it just seems that it's never his wrong but my wrong and my fault. These few days are really bad and I just don't understand why. I even asked him what have I done to deserve how he treated me. We both finally break down and cried together on the night of countdown for both New Year and his b'day. But, still it didn't stopped there but another argument and I ran for the third time on New Year's day and also his b'day.

I just wished all those never happened. It seems what ever I have planned nothing went according to plan. Everything was just ruined. Including my heart. I also realized something during these few days and so much argument and fight we went through, I realized that I loved him more than he loved me. I could go to any extend to do anything for him or to just pleased him. I planned his b'day and his gifts so carefully but nothing worked at the end. I really don't know I was the one who spoiled it, or he spoiled it. There was not only once he raised his voiced at me or throw his temper at me during this trip. Each time he does that, my heart breaks more and more. And I even told him that I loved him more than he loved me. I really don't know he realized that or not.

But, at least today was his last day here and everything at least went according to plan and went well. Was rather unexpected that he never liked to wear ring that he suggested to buy couple ring. We bought a pair of silver ring and what more unexpected was he proposed twice in the car tonight while we were waiting for his bus to arrived. When he asked me, I really wanted to say yes to him. But, I didn't. I just felt that he don't meant it eventhough he asked me twice. I really do wished he was serious about it even though, I know now is too early to talk about all this. But, my heart was so filled for once by him. I just don't know why, I keep falling for him more and more when I keep telling myself not to. I just don't seem to be able to stop myself from it. More so it was really sad to part with him. Especially you are sending him off at the bus station. I really didn't want him to go. And I really wished that we never wasted the last 4 days with all our argument and fights. I really wished we had enjoyed the last 4 days liked today and be happy being together.

It's even sadder when you know that, we are not going to meet every month anymore this year compared to last year. And we don't know when again we will be seeing each other again. 3 months from now? During my b'day which is 6 months away? Or during my convocation in August? It may just seem three months we have been together, but it seems like we have been together for years. Our relationship started really fast and things went so fast and so naturally btw us. It's like nothing btw us was false and that it's like years of being together. I really don't know whether he felt it or not. He never tells me though.........

What Is Love?

When we claim that it's love that we have for someone, are we correct?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
It is not love, its like.
You cant keep your eyes or hands off of them .. am i right?
Its not love, its lust.
Are you proud and eager to show them off?
Its not love, its luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
Its not love, its loneliness.
Are you there because its what everyone wants?
Its not love, its loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand?
Its not love, its low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don`t want to hurt them?
Its not love, its pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
Its not love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care bout them?
Its not love, its friendship.
Do you tell them everyday they are the only one you think of?
Its not love, its a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
Its not love, its charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then its love.
Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then its love.
Do you stay because blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?
Then its love.
Do you accept their faults because they are a part of who they are?
Then its love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then its love.
Would you allow them to leave you not because they want to but because they have to?
Then its love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then its love.
If love is painful and tortures us, why do we love?
Why is it that`s all we search for in life? This pain .. this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture .. this powerful death of self? Why?!
The answer is so simple cause its.. LOVE..
It is such an addiction that even people who are not having it wish to experience and share it.

Does It Matter?

Once upon a time it was called love,
Called care, and blindness,
The deepest passion from the soul,
A thought of future and fantasy.

Knowing it will only be a dream,
Of feelings of untold desires,
Mistakes of the words, misunderstanding of speech.
That never stops stabbing the bleeding heart.

My heart breaks into a million pieces,
That showers off the sky like raining stars,
Crumples to sand as it hits land,
Grind to dust as the wind blows.

Then, I knew I was a fool,
A fool for playing with my own heart,
A fool for listening to my own desires,
A fool playing as a child.

My darkest past,
Comes back to haunts me,
As what sin I have done,
And now, I have a repayment of sin to do.

Yet, I tried to pick myself up,
Trying to ignore all feelings,
Trying to move on,
What most, trying to be someone else.

The more I tries to escape and listen,
The harder I tried being another,
Then realization hits me,
I hurt myself more when I ignore myself.

My heart sheds blood in my own hands,
What have I done?
I killed two hearts with a stone,
And there is no turning back.

I lost my senses together with my heart,
Sold and made a contract with the devil,
Took my pain and grief with me to my grave,
And now...My heart belongs to the devil.