Tired, stressed, and frustrated.

It's my 3rd day of work, and today I had morning shift. The last 2 days was ok and I don't have worried about my transport and all. Since I had the same shift as Saras. Today was ok since I had the morning shift and transport was ok since I can take the bus. But, now I have to worry about tomorrow and Monday.

Finally, after so many days I get to meet him online on webcam. I really missed him a lot. Especially when I had nothing to do during work, I really think of him and us. How I just wished that he is by my side.

But, I know we will have to go through a lot of hardship and crisis. It's pay back on what I have done in my previous relationship. There is always this saying that what ever you have done, it will hit you back one day. I guess what we went through the last few days was part of what I have to faced. The only thing is that I have to be strong to go through all of it no matter how bad things will be. But, I know I will never be able to say break up to him ever again. Cause I really love him and I really can't bring those words to my mouth to say it. It shows a lot when I tried to run from him the last 3 times when he was here last weekend. But, it didn't work. At the end I went back to him. I just can't bring myself to leave him.

Still I am really tired from work. And I just realized there is a presentation this Tuesday early morning. And my group have done nothing. Messaging my group mates and none of them replied me. I guessed I have to do the research and get prepared everything. I just hoped that I won't be too tired since there is another 2 more days before I can have my 2 days break from work.

Anyhow, we argued again now. What is reputation? Yeah, he thinks that reputation is really important to me. If so, I would not have started this relationship with him. I would have picked someone my rank or my status to have a relationship with it. There are things that can be joke about and there are some you can't. People may know that you joked about them, but still it brings bad impression. They may not show it out on their face but you never know their heart.

You think me biting him was a fun thing to do? It hurts me even more when it's suppose to hurt him and not me. Yes!! It hurts me 5 times more that I bite him. There is a reason behind it that I did it and I have been regrating each second I could. Why? Cause it hurts me more that I have hurt him. Even him getting angry or just giving me a black face or frustrated and stress with his work it hurts me. It just does, and I just feel so useless I can't help him and the more I tried to help him the more mistakes and I hurt him or make him more and more angry with me.

I am not talking about my reputation or how important I appear to people. But, due to his remindings and comparings of his best friend's wife, it hits me more. Will I be some day treated as her by others, by his friends? Would he be happy if I were treated like that? I know I think a lot. But, I just can't help it. I am just born like that. It really upsets me. And I know it's my fault that I find fault with him. It hurts even more, even though it was a joke that was said, that his friends could said those words to him, "If it were me, I would have dumped her long ago." It hurts hearing those words. I feel so useless, it hurts and breaks my heart even more. Cause it's my fault in the first place that i bit him. I just feel so useless that I can't control myself no matter how bad the situation was. I just feel so stupid. I just feel that his friends are right. Having a girl like me what good will he get? I just don't know what more I can do or response other than being hurt and feel my heart crack another crack, as I wonder when will this heart of mine finally crump to dusk?