It's about just time.....

I have been having very bad gastric till I can't sit up last Thursday night. But, it didn't stop me from thinking.

Had my farewell dinner with Dr ET and Bakut. I do understand that both of them are concerned over my well being and end up both of them could not hold back any longer to just sit silent and not doing anything.

Yes, they counsel me after dinner at Sushi King. Their questions kept me pondering about till today.

I do admit that all this while I am in the self-denial state of convincing myself that I love this man a lot and by doing my best this relationship will go on. But, I guess I am wrong. Even outsiders can see that there is only one hand clapping instead of two, and me trying so hard to hold on tight.

I have no idea when this man will wake up and start moving and changing things. As he has once told me, he would like to sleep through all his problems till one day when he wakes up and feels like solving them all. I did question myself, "When should I wait until?"

I may have convey and shared my plans and everything to him. But, has he done the same? In truth, I am still clueless and in the dark. I may have known 70% of him, but I am still pondering about what does he really want from me and in life.

The truth is, this problem is only a small problem. But, since the accumulation through this 2 years it has profoundly became a bigger problem than it is supposed to. The end result, it has affected our communication.

I can feel that the gap between us is getting larger and larger day by day. His only excuse to me is that, he can't change in one night. Yes, I understand no one can change in one night. But, in order to start you have to take the first step and continues with it no matter what difficulties comes across your path. Sadly to say, I am not seeing this in him.

Furthermore, Dr ET made me understand that, for both to communicate well, we have to be excited to share fully 100% with each other, as wanting your partner to know everything about you. I am eager to share with him but I am not sure about him. He always tells me that all this while he has no one to talk to and now he is not use to it. I have to ask him questions in order for him to tell me. I now realized that, that is just an excuse. If he has the heart he could have just try and do it instead of giving me that excuse.

Another thing, I finally understand what Bakut and Dr ET meant by 2 paths becoming one. Yes, I very much agree to that statement. As being single now we both walk different paths. To think of the future, we have to share and compromise in order to cross to make a path and walk together. And now, he may only know of what I have a raft plan for the future. But, me asking him... I have never got a definite answer from him. I know it is too early to plan. But, still it is important for to have at least a basic plan in order for both sides to compromise.

At times I wonder n ponder upon, how can you achieve your goals and dreams if you do not plan for the future? Talking upon them will not make you succeed. Because you don't have a plan to work things out. If you were to plan and things does not work out your way, you would not lose anything but gain more than expected experience. I just wish he could understand this. I am very worried over him. His age is catching up, and I am very uncertain of what is his goals and plans. I feel that perhaps he himself is uncertain about it.

In fact I feel that, he believes 100% what his parents have to say and follows blindly without considering whether it is right or not. The most simple example is that his parents in front of me ask him to drink Pepsi. Cause that will heal his dry cough and clear off all his flam. In basic knowledge, it does not heal n get rid of the flam. In opposite way, it makes the cough worst and gives you more flam. I told that to my experience 83 year old grandmother, and guessed what, I grandmother laugh her ass off and commented the stupidest thing she has ever heard in her whole life. Speaking of non-cold coke with salt or 100 Plus she would agree as those can really help, BUT Pepsi??

If I were to ask Ina's father, a specialist doctor or any of my medical friends, I would be again superbly embarrassed. No wonder after 2 times consulting the doctor he never got cure from his cough. And I can guarantee that even he would to see a specialist or a 100 doctors he will never be cure for taking his parents words. Guess what Chicken said to me when I told her about this incident, "His parents dare to say that in front of you, knowing that you are so well educated and all that makes things worst?"

What can I say? It's not that I did not tell him off. He chose to believe his parents than me. Man... I maybe young and inexperience, that does not mean I am ignorant with the world. I believe that my family and the knowledge gain in these years of studies has equipped me well enough to face the real world. At this point, really for the first time I can identify that he is really a mother's boy. In other words, a frog in the well that only depends on his parents saying and no others. Not even the person that he professes love upon.

My doubts has been growing each time he tells me he loves or appreciates me. Cause I cannot feel them as the gap between us is getting bigger. I think it is my mistake for trying to hard to hold on to this relationship. I think it is also my mistake for loving him too much, till to outsiders thinks that he takes me as someone that serves him and not a partner and companion for himself. Maybe if I have the don't care attitude towards him, all this would not have happened. I guessed all these while my actions has pushed him away instead of getting closer to him.

Since, I have been thinking each and every hour lately, I have finally set a dateline. It's until end of March for both of us. If there is no improvement, I guess it's time to let go no matter how bad it's going to hurt. At least it will end both our misery and unhappiness being together. All I can do now, is pray that it works between us instead taking the hurtful way.

Hanging Around...

I am suppose to have drove back to Penang today. God's knows why, I didn't. Even applied for leave for tomorrow. Perhaps things just happens this way.

When dinner with mum, bro and Ee Mun. Seriously, I don't expect to see anyone, especially my old schoolmates. First off would be Fong May, I seriously did not expect to see her after so long. It's like counting back, the last I saw her was when we were Form 5. Yeah, I still remember those times that we attend tuition together. And today, I seriously didn't see her if she didn't call me. Next thing I know she is also in Penang. Well, I guess after all not only me and Saras in Penang for the Convent girls of my batch.

Next off, I don't expect to see Tony as well. It's been like since Upper 6, that's like the last I saw him. I still remember last time when he fetch me to church and back home and we were in the same school for Form 6. Well... I also got to know that he is now working somewhere in Butterworth. Haha...not bad another person I know is working in Penang. Yeah... I hope to meet him up to sometimes when he comes over to the island.

Next off, would be Jia Vei. I seriously didn't see her in Tesco until she called me. Then the news of her friend's car was stolen when they were having dinner at Wooly, Ipoh Garden. Well...lucky her that her course is a 4 years course. I so wanna go back to full time studying. She is envious of me graduating and working now. But, seriously I think she won't be glad if she were to be in my shoes now. I really wish that I can go back to full time studying and not give a damn to the stupid working world.

This trip back is a really fruitful trip. Yet, I a very tiring trip. It's like I suppose to be back for holidays, but end up still no holiday and I still have lots to do here back at home. I also got to meet up with Joanne. It's been like one and half years I have not seen her. She has grown fatter and looks better. She is also much mature compare to last time.

I guess all of us has grown out of everything we were looking back at last time. All of us now seem to have our own path waiting for us to journey down that way. Sometimes thinking back, I really don't know, whether I took the right path or the wrong one. Or perhaps I have been to greedy for trying to kill two birds with a stone. I just hope things will turn out well at the end of it. If not, I guess I will have to sacrifice either my work or my studies. Whatever happens... CHEERS to out future and our journey towards it. Then again, all of us have grown up well and walking all sorts of different paths. Some of us being envious over others path. Some contented and some disappointed and hoping for the best. As for me, I don't know what am I actually feeling. In fact I feel a bit of all the feelings that were mention.

I am jst so tired...

I am feeling extremely tired. Convo is jst next Friday and I look like a walking zombie even before convo.

Damn... When only I can have a goodnight sleep with out to worry about the people and things around me.

Have been really down these few days too... I jst couldn't contain it all anymore. I don't feel lonely. Just that my frustration towards all my problems that never ending stacking up. One problem done then the next is up. Well... I am not giving up no matter what happens!!! I jst need to release my frustration and stress. At the same time I damn miss my close friends and Lex.... T.T

Sigh..... even now my weekends are all fill up and I can't sleep late on weekends anymore. -.- Need to relocate again end of this month, then need to travel home... Need to travel to KL and Singapore to do my research for my Masters studies... Arg.....!!! When only I can settle down peacefully???

I want sleep!!! I want rest...!!! Still tomorrow need to wake up early for to travel back to Pg to collect my robe and also to work on Monday. How I wish Monday is a holiday.

Ahahahaha.... Still I am still in a vry mix up state with all the mix up feelings.....!!!

Rushing everything, tired up life

GoD!! I am having my bad allergies again....... And I didn't even eat any seafood or anything that can cause my allergies. As a matter a fact, I hardly ate the whole week.

Hadn't been able to sleep much lately or either eat. Haven't even bought my own new year clothes. I am so broke to the maximum. And I am losing weight like mad. I only just realize that I lost 5kg and that my face slim down to near hollow. Lolz.... I wish to lose more weight then.

Been suffering from migraines almost everyday and as well as insomnia. Only manage to sleep 2 or 3 nights peacefully and the rest restless nights. Some how, I don't know how, just some how, I pulled and twisted my right ankle vain. Swell like a pig head since the second day and hadn't been able to walk much. It was surprising that I can stand 2 days of 8 hours work for both Sunday and Monday. What more to walk all the back to my room to just grabbed my laptop and come down again to online after last night work when I am dead tired and leg dead pain. At the end what did i get? Just because I asked a few questions and he just exploded on me. And the response I get is that I forced him, demanded him, and control him. Why?? All because the few questions I asked.

Forget it. I don't want to hang on anymore if he really decides to give me up. No point I keep holding on to him when he is not happy with me. The more I hold on to him the more is going to suffer with me and hate me a long the way. If my heart is to be broken by him forever then so be it. After this, after him no more man in my life. I had enough. The first was a cheater, liar and a freak. When I finally loved one, this happens. I seriously don't know does he really love me or not, or I am the only one being in love with him.

Work has been ok so far. But, it's really tiring and when especially you can't get any sleep or get yourself to eat but to force at least a bit of food down your throat. Maybe that's the reason why I am losing weight drastically.

Replacement classes are all filling in as well as one of my tutorials group got messed up. My lecturer actually put me in a group of another tutorial slot which is like totally impossible for me to work with them as my time of tutorial is totally different from them. What more, assignments and projects all came in at a single time and also due dates are too soon and it's next month. I feel like I don't have enough time for anything. Maybe it's because I am working as well and need to study, and attend classes. What more tutorial homeworks are like mountains high.

How I wish I am not broke to the maximum then I don't have to work and I could spend more time on my projects and assignments. In fact, don't even have the time to sleep. What more personal problems are really weighing heavily on my shoulders too. I guess that's one of the problems causing my insomnia and migraines. I even have piles of clothes lining up for me to wash and I hadn't have any time to even wash them. I really wish some one could just comfort me and lend m a shoulder to cry on.

Even I cry to the maximum and my eyes swollen also no one would care about me or know or even bother. Life is so messed up for me. I really want to get out of this mess and also stressful and pressure up life. I just want to go into my isolated world and isolate myself forever there and not care for anything about life or care for anyone anymore in this world.