Admiration. Proud?

It has been countless of times that people around me or my friends tells me that they truly admires me for what I am doing. Just this afternoon, I have a very close colleague and ex-colleague telling me again of that.

It really had me thinking. Am I Proud? Am I not?

Well, the answer is NO. I am not proud of what I doing right now. Countless times I have doubts on myself. Countless times I am regretting my decision to both work and study. To be honest, at times I can't believe that I am doing this and that I am very stupid to choose this path. Why?

Looking through the number of sufferings that I have to go through. It's really a hell of a time and a path to take. I may not appreciate this at this moment. BUT, I will in the future when I take a walk down memory lane.

The truth is, I HATE ppl asking me how to cope with work and studies, as both are equally so important. Well folks, my answer is... "You have no choice but to cope with it." Well... common... look at my life. It's like good as dead. My face is getting horrible with all the acne and pimples + I even have gastric now, and it's all due to stress.

Best part is that, I have signed up for my dissertation as well. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be finishing my MA next year. Please give me all the support you can give. Cause I really don't need admiration as I am not proud of what kind of a hell I am going through. What I really need from everyone is motivation and support.

No IDEA what's up the next ROAD

Aiks... I just realized how long I have actually neglected my blog. Man... it's been since Feb.

Life have been really busy since then. Especially with work. Name it!!! We are SALVES for the company, where we get RM 1 from the company and they wants us to produce RM 10 work load + quality. More to say I was working till rather late at times (sometimes till 12am) Well, that's all I have to talk about work.

About my studies, yup have a lot of sleepless nights in March till April after my finals. But, all in all... I still enjoy my studies. And YES!!! I have gotten through my last semester exam. Really THank God for it.

At the moment, I'm contemplating whether to take up my dissertation or not for the coming semester. Man... I really can't make up my mind about it. Really need to clear my thoughts and think about it.

At the same time, I need to get a better job to get out of that place or all in all if I'm doing my dissertation must as well stop working and concentrate on my studies... :P

November

It's already November. Time flies, and Monday is my Finals. Well, I am still preparing for it. In fact, I don't really remembered what I have studied the past few nights. Think cause of being so drained from work and home with dry up brains, I couldn't really manage to get anything from my studies into my brains. It will just have to be today and tomorrow to finish up everything.

Thinking of November... it is going to be December soon and then to Jan 2009. Times really flies. I have not even fully enjoy this 2008 year and it's already end of the year. In fact, I am rather unusual what has been going on around this year. Times flies so fast that everything just pass by as a blurry shadow. And I truly miss those times back in Uni with my course mates. Those 3 years, I truly enjoyed to the fullest.

Now, I really have to look forward and start planning on what I should do and achieve next year. Grrrrrrr..... must really achieve all my goals for next year... :P

Finally all done...

Finally, all the assignment, proposal and project has been done and submitted. Tomrrow onwards have to start to go back in worrying about my work again...

Sigh...I still have lots of work to do on since, am having four cases stagging up like moutain. Am not going to take home and do during the weekend. Will just have to go in early and stay back late again for next week to finish up my work for the next of whole week.

Well, finals coming up as well on the 3rd of Nov. Not looking forward for it and at the same time really hope I will get it done as soon as possible. What an irony about it. I don't even know I will get enough time to study for all the chapters or not. -.-

Argggggg.....Project and assignment...

Hm....another 1 more project and also an assignment to finish. Not very happy about it as no idea on what to do for my assignment since ALL ideas were kept being rejected by my good lecturer.

Hanging Around...

I am suppose to have drove back to Penang today. God's knows why, I didn't. Even applied for leave for tomorrow. Perhaps things just happens this way.

When dinner with mum, bro and Ee Mun. Seriously, I don't expect to see anyone, especially my old schoolmates. First off would be Fong May, I seriously did not expect to see her after so long. It's like counting back, the last I saw her was when we were Form 5. Yeah, I still remember those times that we attend tuition together. And today, I seriously didn't see her if she didn't call me. Next thing I know she is also in Penang. Well, I guess after all not only me and Saras in Penang for the Convent girls of my batch.

Next off, I don't expect to see Tony as well. It's been like since Upper 6, that's like the last I saw him. I still remember last time when he fetch me to church and back home and we were in the same school for Form 6. Well... I also got to know that he is now working somewhere in Butterworth. Haha...not bad another person I know is working in Penang. Yeah... I hope to meet him up to sometimes when he comes over to the island.

Next off, would be Jia Vei. I seriously didn't see her in Tesco until she called me. Then the news of her friend's car was stolen when they were having dinner at Wooly, Ipoh Garden. Well...lucky her that her course is a 4 years course. I so wanna go back to full time studying. She is envious of me graduating and working now. But, seriously I think she won't be glad if she were to be in my shoes now. I really wish that I can go back to full time studying and not give a damn to the stupid working world.

This trip back is a really fruitful trip. Yet, I a very tiring trip. It's like I suppose to be back for holidays, but end up still no holiday and I still have lots to do here back at home. I also got to meet up with Joanne. It's been like one and half years I have not seen her. She has grown fatter and looks better. She is also much mature compare to last time.

I guess all of us has grown out of everything we were looking back at last time. All of us now seem to have our own path waiting for us to journey down that way. Sometimes thinking back, I really don't know, whether I took the right path or the wrong one. Or perhaps I have been to greedy for trying to kill two birds with a stone. I just hope things will turn out well at the end of it. If not, I guess I will have to sacrifice either my work or my studies. Whatever happens... CHEERS to out future and our journey towards it. Then again, all of us have grown up well and walking all sorts of different paths. Some of us being envious over others path. Some contented and some disappointed and hoping for the best. As for me, I don't know what am I actually feeling. In fact I feel a bit of all the feelings that were mention.

Another Working Weekend...

Well...it's another busy working weekend. Everyone looks forward for a weekend to rest and enjoy what they wish to do. Well... sorry to say, "NO!!! I don't enjoy my weekend! And YES I am working at home again!!!"

This is life. Everyone enjoys their first or second month of work. When it comes to the third or the fourth month, you see them dying or drying up. Prefer to say witter to death.

I am so not myself. My social life is dead now. Not only that, I am slacking on my studies. I am way behind from where I should. Now I am having a real difficult time to catch up. I just wish my work load will subside soon..... Or else you can just kill me with it.

@@... talking about my studies..... I still havent started my proposal and project work yet for my studies... Dang... after Raya have to hand in adi... And everyday I am still busy with my work..... grrrrrrrrrr........

The start of Loneliness...

Finally, I am back from Singapore. First thing when arrive is to go back to office. Work...work…and work…. I just feel so much pressure from all the work. Then I have class again at night.

Things are just not right. I don’t know why. But I feel very down. It feels….. I don’t know how to explain it. But, I don’t like the feeling. I am starting to miss him a lot. Whenever I think of him I really want to cry.

I feeling much stress and depress at the same time. I don’t know why as well. Maybe I am getting a lot of work load from work and also the pressure and stress is there. I have two cases for this week and two big ones for next week. What more… I have exam this week as well. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. I have so many things and I really want to clear them off as soon as possible and yet I can’t get it done. I feel like 24 hours a day is really not enough. What more I am also very tired each time when I am back from work. Every time I am back from work, after I bath, I really want to sleep. But, I can never do that as I still have so much of my own things to settle. First, will be my studies, and secondly will be about my personal life.

Till today, I have still not started my proposal and also project. I really don’t know when I will start it and when only I will have the time to read up all the materials that I am suppose to. My memory is also a big problem. I am beginning to have really bad memory. I keep forgetting this and that, and making tons of mistakes in my report. Well, even though they are not big mistakes, but there are careless mistakes. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so useless and makes me start thinking that, “Am I suitable for this job or not?”

At the same time, I feel very lonely here. Especially, after coming back from Sg makes me feel the loneliness even more then ever. I missed all my coursemates that I always hand out with. I miss those times that all of us go eat and window shopping together and how we spent so much time in Niichi in Queensbay. Shit….!!! I really miss all of them a lot, and HATE the fact that I am here all alone!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it. Finale! Done! Game Over!

Well... It's done and GAME OVER!!


That's it the last paper is done. Now we are having our final tea/dinner together before all of us goes separate ways. Two getting married this year and another in 2 years time, and two confirmed Masters in USM. What about others? Will we ever meet again?

Well, it's just sad that all of us have to part. Really, I really cherish these 3 years a lot, and these 3 years have brought a new meaning to my life. I am going to miss my girls as well. It's like been forever we have been sticking together, doing assignments to the late nights and so on. When I mention of assignments and projects, I mean individual works. Whatever is it, we hardly had any group work to do together but only to just support each other and each of our works, study and prepare for exams together. The best part is that, we got so frustrated...and ended up at Starbucks to continues our CL assignment there. How I wish that every moment will last forever.

A lot of people have been questioning me, 'What are you going to do after this?', 'What kind of a job that your degree offers you when u can't go into teaching?', and etc. etc. etc. bla..bla...bla..... Dad's worried about my future and mum and bro have been trying to talk me into lecturing and so on with teaching. Sorry...have no interest in them. Basically, I just don't know. I just need a break and sort out what I want other then wanting to do my Masters. And YES! I am one of the two who got Masters in USM and be starting in July.

I have been applying for jobs too and was adi on an interview with Dell. Now I waiting for the HR department to call me, once I get through it would be the department itself. I guess I should be expecting at least 3 interviews from them. But, what's so great about the job? After all my job is just be on tele-sales for Australia and New Zealand. Working hours and holidays would be following them, and a lot of OTs and so on. Seriously speaking, I am not interested in the job at all. I guess at the time being I just don't care but at least get a job first and slowly get what I want.

Anyway, don't care. I am going Genting tomorrow and go home on Friday after PC Fair. I am going all out to enjoy my last 2 days with the girls. When I am back, it would be a whirl wind of interviews, packing and house shifting. YES!!! I am finally moving out and staying on my own!!!






This is the 2005 to 2008 ELLS...

Wah...gonna miss all of you......

Dreaming my way.....

Dang...!!

Really miss my younger days. I wish I can go back to those days again. Growing up and being an adult is not easy. Especailly now, you are at the dead end and at the end of your Uni life. You gotta start thinking of getting and jobs and so on. It's so frustrating. What more, is that you have to look for a job and not knowing what interest you have in that job. Think again, what can my degree do? Who want's an English major? I can't seem to find a job that requires an English major, other then Management or Business or Engineering majors.

Each day I browse through jobstreet.com and newpapers... Mass Com Majors or those "important" majors needed but no place for English major.....

Wah....I want go back to dream land and forget about this world. I want go back to 16 or 18 of age instead of a young adult now!!!

Anyhow, I am like dreaming all the way through my final exams. I don't know what I am studying through out my whole exam period. Studying and trying hard to concentrate... But, my mind seems to be flying somewhere else instead of real concentrating on my studies. My mind's like thinking more of the future and also fantersizing something that will not come true..... lalala............ How to do my final paper like this on next Tuesday...??

Most crazy think is that, I have started studying on my last paper but still nothing seems to be in my head. In fact, I only seem to have a bit of memory of it and it's like an unclear memory of it. Really have to pump for my paper tomorrow the whole day. And Damn that tree diagram for Syntax.... It's really making me go crazy.... At least Semantics and Pragmatics are still okay and I still can understand them and remember them.

Lalilali pig pig... I am still in dream land and fantasizing on things...... Lalalalalala............... How to do well in my last paper being like this..... What more I can't wait for my Genting trip on Wednesday right after my paper on Tuesday... Then...I am dreaming of going to Kuching, Sarawak on first of May....but at the same time I also want go to Singapore to Bunny's house warming....... Wah.........How I hope I have clons of myself............... LAlalalalala..........I am going nuts with dreaming.......

Everything is Coming to an End too SooN

Everything is coming to end real fast. Just a blink and the last semester is gone, and also it's a semester since I wrote anything here. My last paper will be on next Tuesday. And that day really the end of Uni life.

I really don't wish this is the last sem. I just wish that school life will go on and on. I really enjoyed my Uni life dispite the downs I have. Next on, I really don't know what to do. Should I sit back and relax, or should I just start getting a job?

Anyhow, I already got a place to stay here in Penang during my 3 months holidays. Next semester is going to start in July. Yeah, I got my Masters in Arts back in my Uni. I am glad that I got it, at the same time I fear I can't cope with it and as well as I can't get aboard Unis for my Masters. Sigh...I don't know how to describe my feelings. It's just that you feel happy you got it, yet, I just feel the same like nothing changes in the world.

It's also kinda amazing that ppl review your resume and refer you to certain companies. Yeah, I got refer to Dell Malaysia as a Sales Account Manager. Basically, you would just sit and be an operator with Aus and NZ and make sure the accounts are going well. Anyhow, I don't really feel interested for the job. Perhaps if the pay is good then I would think of accepting it. Getting in also will bring other advantages as well.

What ever is it, I still need to hunt for a new laptop...!! Sigh...I miss my lappy very much. But, can I do...?? So, well taken care of it and the motherboard is dead. Sigh.....

I also want travel around this holiday. But, when comes to money wise... Really have to think twice. Even my had friend offer me free accomodation when we go Taiwan, I have to think twice whether I can afford for the air tickets or not. Then...backpacking in Hong Kong... Boon Sin.....you better plan for that... Then Japan with Yee Wun. YEE WUN!!! YOU DON'T DARE FLY AEROPLANE WITH ME ARG...........!! You are the one who suggest that we go Japan if both of us able to grad this year ar.......So, you don't go break promise with me ar.... And make sure we go before July for all trips... Coz, am starting back studies then...

Well, anyhow Good Luck to All those having finals in May and all the Best to All. THose grading with me this April and from USM, Good Luck in the Future and All the Best too.

I AM GOING TO MISS ALL OF YOU, ELLS 2005-2008!!

Crap poem I wrote for our Assignments...

Lolz... This is one crap poem I wrote for one of the subject assignments for Valentine's.....


That's the cover.... I spent like 2 hours or more just getting the cover right and finding materials to bind it.... Lolz.... XD And not to forget the content inside. I burn my fingers getting the old looking edge of the paper...
Anyhow, here the poem goes...... Well... I was a bit in anger when I wrote it.... Lolz..... Don't think it ever matters.....

Dearest Love,

It used to be love,

Now it became hatred,

But, my love to thee grew stronger.

My heart breaks like a fragile glass,

Falls like stars in the sky,

Crumples to sand as it hits the ground,

Grinds into dusk as the wind blows.

Yet, I was blessed by God,

My heart was replaced and healed,

Allowing me to love thee more.

I asked myself,

Am I to thee a hateful parasite,

In thy blood,

Does thee hate me this much?

Thee always answer,

Thyself a parasite to me,

That thee live in my blood and heart.

Thee affects my heart and soul,

That I can never be separated from thee,

Thy anger and rage over me,

Yet, thee still the love of mine.

Let this prayer come true, And,

Thy allow this gentle fair maiden,

To love thee with her heart.

Rushing everything, tired up life

GoD!! I am having my bad allergies again....... And I didn't even eat any seafood or anything that can cause my allergies. As a matter a fact, I hardly ate the whole week.

Hadn't been able to sleep much lately or either eat. Haven't even bought my own new year clothes. I am so broke to the maximum. And I am losing weight like mad. I only just realize that I lost 5kg and that my face slim down to near hollow. Lolz.... I wish to lose more weight then.

Been suffering from migraines almost everyday and as well as insomnia. Only manage to sleep 2 or 3 nights peacefully and the rest restless nights. Some how, I don't know how, just some how, I pulled and twisted my right ankle vain. Swell like a pig head since the second day and hadn't been able to walk much. It was surprising that I can stand 2 days of 8 hours work for both Sunday and Monday. What more to walk all the back to my room to just grabbed my laptop and come down again to online after last night work when I am dead tired and leg dead pain. At the end what did i get? Just because I asked a few questions and he just exploded on me. And the response I get is that I forced him, demanded him, and control him. Why?? All because the few questions I asked.

Forget it. I don't want to hang on anymore if he really decides to give me up. No point I keep holding on to him when he is not happy with me. The more I hold on to him the more is going to suffer with me and hate me a long the way. If my heart is to be broken by him forever then so be it. After this, after him no more man in my life. I had enough. The first was a cheater, liar and a freak. When I finally loved one, this happens. I seriously don't know does he really love me or not, or I am the only one being in love with him.

Work has been ok so far. But, it's really tiring and when especially you can't get any sleep or get yourself to eat but to force at least a bit of food down your throat. Maybe that's the reason why I am losing weight drastically.

Replacement classes are all filling in as well as one of my tutorials group got messed up. My lecturer actually put me in a group of another tutorial slot which is like totally impossible for me to work with them as my time of tutorial is totally different from them. What more, assignments and projects all came in at a single time and also due dates are too soon and it's next month. I feel like I don't have enough time for anything. Maybe it's because I am working as well and need to study, and attend classes. What more tutorial homeworks are like mountains high.

How I wish I am not broke to the maximum then I don't have to work and I could spend more time on my projects and assignments. In fact, don't even have the time to sleep. What more personal problems are really weighing heavily on my shoulders too. I guess that's one of the problems causing my insomnia and migraines. I even have piles of clothes lining up for me to wash and I hadn't have any time to even wash them. I really wish some one could just comfort me and lend m a shoulder to cry on.

Even I cry to the maximum and my eyes swollen also no one would care about me or know or even bother. Life is so messed up for me. I really want to get out of this mess and also stressful and pressure up life. I just want to go into my isolated world and isolate myself forever there and not care for anything about life or care for anyone anymore in this world.