It's about just time.....

I have been having very bad gastric till I can't sit up last Thursday night. But, it didn't stop me from thinking.

Had my farewell dinner with Dr ET and Bakut. I do understand that both of them are concerned over my well being and end up both of them could not hold back any longer to just sit silent and not doing anything.

Yes, they counsel me after dinner at Sushi King. Their questions kept me pondering about till today.

I do admit that all this while I am in the self-denial state of convincing myself that I love this man a lot and by doing my best this relationship will go on. But, I guess I am wrong. Even outsiders can see that there is only one hand clapping instead of two, and me trying so hard to hold on tight.

I have no idea when this man will wake up and start moving and changing things. As he has once told me, he would like to sleep through all his problems till one day when he wakes up and feels like solving them all. I did question myself, "When should I wait until?"

I may have convey and shared my plans and everything to him. But, has he done the same? In truth, I am still clueless and in the dark. I may have known 70% of him, but I am still pondering about what does he really want from me and in life.

The truth is, this problem is only a small problem. But, since the accumulation through this 2 years it has profoundly became a bigger problem than it is supposed to. The end result, it has affected our communication.

I can feel that the gap between us is getting larger and larger day by day. His only excuse to me is that, he can't change in one night. Yes, I understand no one can change in one night. But, in order to start you have to take the first step and continues with it no matter what difficulties comes across your path. Sadly to say, I am not seeing this in him.

Furthermore, Dr ET made me understand that, for both to communicate well, we have to be excited to share fully 100% with each other, as wanting your partner to know everything about you. I am eager to share with him but I am not sure about him. He always tells me that all this while he has no one to talk to and now he is not use to it. I have to ask him questions in order for him to tell me. I now realized that, that is just an excuse. If he has the heart he could have just try and do it instead of giving me that excuse.

Another thing, I finally understand what Bakut and Dr ET meant by 2 paths becoming one. Yes, I very much agree to that statement. As being single now we both walk different paths. To think of the future, we have to share and compromise in order to cross to make a path and walk together. And now, he may only know of what I have a raft plan for the future. But, me asking him... I have never got a definite answer from him. I know it is too early to plan. But, still it is important for to have at least a basic plan in order for both sides to compromise.

At times I wonder n ponder upon, how can you achieve your goals and dreams if you do not plan for the future? Talking upon them will not make you succeed. Because you don't have a plan to work things out. If you were to plan and things does not work out your way, you would not lose anything but gain more than expected experience. I just wish he could understand this. I am very worried over him. His age is catching up, and I am very uncertain of what is his goals and plans. I feel that perhaps he himself is uncertain about it.

In fact I feel that, he believes 100% what his parents have to say and follows blindly without considering whether it is right or not. The most simple example is that his parents in front of me ask him to drink Pepsi. Cause that will heal his dry cough and clear off all his flam. In basic knowledge, it does not heal n get rid of the flam. In opposite way, it makes the cough worst and gives you more flam. I told that to my experience 83 year old grandmother, and guessed what, I grandmother laugh her ass off and commented the stupidest thing she has ever heard in her whole life. Speaking of non-cold coke with salt or 100 Plus she would agree as those can really help, BUT Pepsi??

If I were to ask Ina's father, a specialist doctor or any of my medical friends, I would be again superbly embarrassed. No wonder after 2 times consulting the doctor he never got cure from his cough. And I can guarantee that even he would to see a specialist or a 100 doctors he will never be cure for taking his parents words. Guess what Chicken said to me when I told her about this incident, "His parents dare to say that in front of you, knowing that you are so well educated and all that makes things worst?"

What can I say? It's not that I did not tell him off. He chose to believe his parents than me. Man... I maybe young and inexperience, that does not mean I am ignorant with the world. I believe that my family and the knowledge gain in these years of studies has equipped me well enough to face the real world. At this point, really for the first time I can identify that he is really a mother's boy. In other words, a frog in the well that only depends on his parents saying and no others. Not even the person that he professes love upon.

My doubts has been growing each time he tells me he loves or appreciates me. Cause I cannot feel them as the gap between us is getting bigger. I think it is my mistake for trying to hard to hold on to this relationship. I think it is also my mistake for loving him too much, till to outsiders thinks that he takes me as someone that serves him and not a partner and companion for himself. Maybe if I have the don't care attitude towards him, all this would not have happened. I guessed all these while my actions has pushed him away instead of getting closer to him.

Since, I have been thinking each and every hour lately, I have finally set a dateline. It's until end of March for both of us. If there is no improvement, I guess it's time to let go no matter how bad it's going to hurt. At least it will end both our misery and unhappiness being together. All I can do now, is pray that it works between us instead taking the hurtful way.