I just feel so empty...

On Monday, the arguments started and there goes the million dollar question and decision again. Each time it breaks my heart more and more. I can't help it, my tears just well up on its own and starts cascading down my cheeks. It hurts...

The feeling of ignorance creeping up more and more. I hate it each conversation we had, had to end up as a fight. Sometimes I just wish everything would end between us and lets move on without each other. Yet, my heart always holds me back and then I realise again how much I love him and how much I am trying to make things work and to plan for our future.

On Wednesday, it all started with my Orientation. Getting trap here and there. Got so frustrated with the slow and unorganized process of registration and also of the payment of fees. Thursday, another bad news came in. I just don't know it's really bad news or good news.

Yeah, I was recommended by my SA and manager to my V.P to change me to a full time analyst instead of an Archive. I don't know I should be glad for that or not, since I was throw on shift. I really want to stay on normal shift.

First and foremost, it's my safety returning at night when I am on afternoon shift and also parking is a problem at my apartment area and it's dark and dangerous. Second, when I am on afternoon shift for the month I will have to keep wasting my leaves as I need to take them and so that I can go attend my evening or night classes. Third, wasting my leave on classes and I have no leaves for holidays.

SHIT...........!!!!! My life's so messed up!!!!!!!

What hurt most is that each of his sweet and touching words will be followed by hurting words. I feel so much as an empty shell now that slowly losing myself and soul.

What happened yesterday, hurts the most. Now, I am really left half hanging not know has it really end on our relationship or has it not. After all his last words to me were, " Then good luck to you in your own race." WTF, DOES IT MEAN???

Am I some toy for you to toy around??!!! Why do you have to be such a stuck up human? And why did I fell in love so deeply with a stuck up person like him?!!!

I am about to lose my mind during these two days. Thank God for sending Carol and Stephen to be myside keeping me company most of the time. If not I bet I will have lose my mind.......