Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Admiration. Proud?

It has been countless of times that people around me or my friends tells me that they truly admires me for what I am doing. Just this afternoon, I have a very close colleague and ex-colleague telling me again of that.

It really had me thinking. Am I Proud? Am I not?

Well, the answer is NO. I am not proud of what I doing right now. Countless times I have doubts on myself. Countless times I am regretting my decision to both work and study. To be honest, at times I can't believe that I am doing this and that I am very stupid to choose this path. Why?

Looking through the number of sufferings that I have to go through. It's really a hell of a time and a path to take. I may not appreciate this at this moment. BUT, I will in the future when I take a walk down memory lane.

The truth is, I HATE ppl asking me how to cope with work and studies, as both are equally so important. Well folks, my answer is... "You have no choice but to cope with it." Well... common... look at my life. It's like good as dead. My face is getting horrible with all the acne and pimples + I even have gastric now, and it's all due to stress.

Best part is that, I have signed up for my dissertation as well. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be finishing my MA next year. Please give me all the support you can give. Cause I really don't need admiration as I am not proud of what kind of a hell I am going through. What I really need from everyone is motivation and support.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

No IDEA what's up the next ROAD

Aiks... I just realized how long I have actually neglected my blog. Man... it's been since Feb.

Life have been really busy since then. Especially with work. Name it!!! We are SALVES for the company, where we get RM 1 from the company and they wants us to produce RM 10 work load + quality. More to say I was working till rather late at times (sometimes till 12am) Well, that's all I have to talk about work.

About my studies, yup have a lot of sleepless nights in March till April after my finals. But, all in all... I still enjoy my studies. And YES!!! I have gotten through my last semester exam. Really THank God for it.

At the moment, I'm contemplating whether to take up my dissertation or not for the coming semester. Man... I really can't make up my mind about it. Really need to clear my thoughts and think about it.

At the same time, I need to get a better job to get out of that place or all in all if I'm doing my dissertation must as well stop working and concentrate on my studies... :P

Sunday, February 22, 2009

It's about just time.....

I have been having very bad gastric till I can't sit up last Thursday night. But, it didn't stop me from thinking.

Had my farewell dinner with Dr ET and Bakut. I do understand that both of them are concerned over my well being and end up both of them could not hold back any longer to just sit silent and not doing anything.

Yes, they counsel me after dinner at Sushi King. Their questions kept me pondering about till today.

I do admit that all this while I am in the self-denial state of convincing myself that I love this man a lot and by doing my best this relationship will go on. But, I guess I am wrong. Even outsiders can see that there is only one hand clapping instead of two, and me trying so hard to hold on tight.

I have no idea when this man will wake up and start moving and changing things. As he has once told me, he would like to sleep through all his problems till one day when he wakes up and feels like solving them all. I did question myself, "When should I wait until?"

I may have convey and shared my plans and everything to him. But, has he done the same? In truth, I am still clueless and in the dark. I may have known 70% of him, but I am still pondering about what does he really want from me and in life.

The truth is, this problem is only a small problem. But, since the accumulation through this 2 years it has profoundly became a bigger problem than it is supposed to. The end result, it has affected our communication.

I can feel that the gap between us is getting larger and larger day by day. His only excuse to me is that, he can't change in one night. Yes, I understand no one can change in one night. But, in order to start you have to take the first step and continues with it no matter what difficulties comes across your path. Sadly to say, I am not seeing this in him.

Furthermore, Dr ET made me understand that, for both to communicate well, we have to be excited to share fully 100% with each other, as wanting your partner to know everything about you. I am eager to share with him but I am not sure about him. He always tells me that all this while he has no one to talk to and now he is not use to it. I have to ask him questions in order for him to tell me. I now realized that, that is just an excuse. If he has the heart he could have just try and do it instead of giving me that excuse.

Another thing, I finally understand what Bakut and Dr ET meant by 2 paths becoming one. Yes, I very much agree to that statement. As being single now we both walk different paths. To think of the future, we have to share and compromise in order to cross to make a path and walk together. And now, he may only know of what I have a raft plan for the future. But, me asking him... I have never got a definite answer from him. I know it is too early to plan. But, still it is important for to have at least a basic plan in order for both sides to compromise.

At times I wonder n ponder upon, how can you achieve your goals and dreams if you do not plan for the future? Talking upon them will not make you succeed. Because you don't have a plan to work things out. If you were to plan and things does not work out your way, you would not lose anything but gain more than expected experience. I just wish he could understand this. I am very worried over him. His age is catching up, and I am very uncertain of what is his goals and plans. I feel that perhaps he himself is uncertain about it.

In fact I feel that, he believes 100% what his parents have to say and follows blindly without considering whether it is right or not. The most simple example is that his parents in front of me ask him to drink Pepsi. Cause that will heal his dry cough and clear off all his flam. In basic knowledge, it does not heal n get rid of the flam. In opposite way, it makes the cough worst and gives you more flam. I told that to my experience 83 year old grandmother, and guessed what, I grandmother laugh her ass off and commented the stupidest thing she has ever heard in her whole life. Speaking of non-cold coke with salt or 100 Plus she would agree as those can really help, BUT Pepsi??

If I were to ask Ina's father, a specialist doctor or any of my medical friends, I would be again superbly embarrassed. No wonder after 2 times consulting the doctor he never got cure from his cough. And I can guarantee that even he would to see a specialist or a 100 doctors he will never be cure for taking his parents words. Guess what Chicken said to me when I told her about this incident, "His parents dare to say that in front of you, knowing that you are so well educated and all that makes things worst?"

What can I say? It's not that I did not tell him off. He chose to believe his parents than me. Man... I maybe young and inexperience, that does not mean I am ignorant with the world. I believe that my family and the knowledge gain in these years of studies has equipped me well enough to face the real world. At this point, really for the first time I can identify that he is really a mother's boy. In other words, a frog in the well that only depends on his parents saying and no others. Not even the person that he professes love upon.

My doubts has been growing each time he tells me he loves or appreciates me. Cause I cannot feel them as the gap between us is getting bigger. I think it is my mistake for trying to hard to hold on to this relationship. I think it is also my mistake for loving him too much, till to outsiders thinks that he takes me as someone that serves him and not a partner and companion for himself. Maybe if I have the don't care attitude towards him, all this would not have happened. I guessed all these while my actions has pushed him away instead of getting closer to him.

Since, I have been thinking each and every hour lately, I have finally set a dateline. It's until end of March for both of us. If there is no improvement, I guess it's time to let go no matter how bad it's going to hurt. At least it will end both our misery and unhappiness being together. All I can do now, is pray that it works between us instead taking the hurtful way.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

True Colours (Pt. 2)

As promise the Second part...

Haiz... the second day has arrived. What I was asked to was to take them for 'dim sum'. If you really want to eat real good 'dim sum' in Pg there is one in town and you have to go real early in the morning. BUT... No! Bunny's parents only wanted me to pick them up around 8.30am to about 9am. End up, we went some where near my uni for 'dim sum' since they insisted.

After that, as plan went up to Pg Hill. On the way down I was asking do they want to have lunch before they wan to go to Pg Turf Club? YES... Believe it or not, they requested me to send them to Turf Club. They are here not on visit but gamble. They said no lunch, when my stomach is rumbling. What more could I say, it was just few days back I got my first gastric.

At the end sending them to Turf Club. At the same time I was rather relief. At least no more the nagging of an unknown language. At the same time, I can meet up my coursemate to do my assignment.

End up picking his parents up at 6pm and then we went for dinner. Next I was asked is there any beer serve here. Again... I was like... not shocked... Just maybe speechless. Told his dad I am not sure and he has to ask the waitress to see. Then they wanted to go to Beach.

Took them to Bt Feringgi for the night market and his mum insisted that she wants to go to beach. Took them there though. We were like walking at the beach, and both of us like starting to get into our conversation, and after that.... walah.... his mother keep interrupting our conversation. It's so blardy annoying!!!

The next thing she told me was, "There is nothing at the beach here. Why want come to the beach and walk?"

I was like WTF!!! U insisted and now.... ***SPEECHLESS***

Then his father keep bugging me, where he can go drink. End up we are at Lab again. The usual spot that I always hang out with my group. After ordering, I told Bunny I want take a walk. He told me to wait for him and his mother was goes, "Why you want to go walk in the dark?" Erm....I was like aduh "To get away from her and have sometime of my own."

I will just skip some parts. The part that I really got annoyed was when we were driving back. His mother again non-stop her talk. Sort of illogical speeches she gives. Best part is..........

Bunny Mum: How much is your father's salary? He can support you all or not for working overseas?
Rin Rin: ***WTF*** (in heart) ***Ignores....***
Bunny: How can you ask that kind of question?!!

I was like super annoyed, and wondering "you want to know that so that when you don't have money and my parents will provide, is it?"

Gosh... what a woman. She not only talkative that talks non-stop but super extreme "KAYPO". This evidence will come more later.

On the last day, Dr ET was all alone in office since I was on leave and Bakut was on mc. So, I took Dr ET to lunch with us. After all we are eating somewhere near the office. The place I am taking them there is famous for dry jawa mee, chicken rice and also the chicken shop rice.

Told his mum about the nice jawa mee that she wanted to eat was here.

Bunny Mum: I already tried that in Turf Club. Not nice. Too sweet and sour. All the jawa mee not nice.

-.- just because one is not nice she categorized all as not nice. Fine... they just sat there like king and queen ordering their son to buy food for them. Yes, I don't know how to speak hokkien but I do understand from here and there. Besides, Dr ET is with me and she's a hokkien. His mother was complaining to the father.

Bunny Mum: This place is so small and hot. No other better place to take us to? No one also wants to come here and eat. So, few stalls. So, few choices to choose from.

***Crowd started to pour in till everyone has to stand***

Swiftly she changes her saying.

Bunny Mum: This place must be very famous. So, many people and no place to sit.

Well, the second most embarrassing scene happens here too. The tea lady serve us our drinks and Bunny's dad paid for it. He gave RM50. The tea lady was holding lose change of RM 1 n RM 5. She slowly calculating and returning the lose change first, and Bunny's mum shouted...
Bunny Mum: We just now gave you RM 50. Where is the rest of the change?!!
Tea lady: Wait, the money is in my pocket and I am calculating.

At that very moment, all other tables and passersby was staring at us. Indeed at that Bunny was not at the table as he was busy buying food for his parents. Gosh... Dr ET and me turned tomato red. I don't understand why the impatient. That tea lady is old so why can't let that poor lady slowly count?

Back into the car, suddenly they asked is there any tourist area in Bayan Lepas? I was like... "It's all factories here. The only place is Qb Mall." His mother was again complaining in hokkien.
Bunny Mum: Finally, we are going back tonight. There is nothing here in Pg and no nice food to eat.
Dr ET: Pg here not much place to visit. You come Pg is to eat.
Bunny Mum: Nothing nice to eat in Pg also.
Dr ET: I though Rin Rin took you all to alot of nice places to eat?
Bunny Mum: Cannot eat alot la. Scared fat.

-.- Is that logical?

After I dropped Dr ET back at office. Bunny's mum started question Bunny in Hokkien about Dr ET. Does she has a bf? Where is her bf? What does he work as?

Bunny didn't translate anything to me. I can understand all that. So, does that prove her "KAYPO-ness" yet?

Nevermind, we shall skip to dinner. His mother was making noise since the day they arrived that she wants to eat KFC. Insisting that Sg KFC sucks. Took her to KFC, she insisted she only wanted 2 pieces of chicken wings. (Colonel Chicken Wingz were on promotion 5 pieces) Bunny ordered the snake plate of 2 pieces of chicken wingz for her. Back at the table... (in hokkien)
Bunny Mum: Why the chicken so different? Is this not the promotion chicken wingz?
Bunny: I though you said you wanted 2 pieces? That's the only set with 2 pieces of chicken.
Bunny Mum: I wanted to the promotion chicken wingz on advertisement.
Bunny: That is 5 pieces of chicken. You said you only wanted 2.
Bunny Mum: *Eats* The chicken sucks. It's so dry. So small, not nice. I don't know why we are here eating KFC.
Bunny Dad: You are the one insisted to eat KFC since the first day so what are you complaining?

The whole conversation was in hokkien and I was left out. Cause to them I don't know how to speak means I don't know how to listen as well =D

Sorry to say so, I do understand here and there. I do appreciate the times they were concern about my unfinished assignment. But, I don't appreciate that his mother were quietly back stabbing me behind. Yes, it does not sound like a back stab. Then again, no one knows if she does that when I am not around, right?

This final part, it's kind of embarrassing. We are at KFC in Qb Mall, we had sometime before I was to send them to the bus station and I was continue doing my assignment at the next table. His dad is whistling as usual, the next thing u see is that, he put up his leg on the chair. Erm... I agree at times I do that when I am at home. But, that is in public. And I guess people around were shocked as well as I am. Cause people who passes our table will like really turn and look at our table at Bunny's fathers' direction. Again, Bunny was not at the scene as he was at the toilet.

Well, that's not the gross part. The grosses part is while we are eating. Again his dad ate like never eaten before and he really spit out the bones of the chicken as he likes. Best part, his parents tell Bunny that Pepsi can cure dry cough and they asked Bunny to drink more of it @.@

Can some one give me some advise about this? I wonder what life would be after marriage and staying with his parents as he wants that... =(

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

True Colours (Pt. 1)

During the first 3 meetings, everything was fine. It's not that you don't have bonding with his parents. I do, u know? We met, we talk, we went out together, we had lunch and dinner together, I even cooked a meal for the family.

It just didn't show. Everything seems so normal (I won't use perfect, cause no one is perfect). Till the weekend.....

Here it started...

Bunny was coming to Pg to visit me at the same time for the first time we are celebrating V-day together. Well, I am excited about it, after all I have never celebrated it with a partner before. Most of the previous V-day, I am all alone or celebrated with friends. But, the thing is... I am not very happy about it. He is bringing his parents. Yeah, we are to celebrate together with his parents and to have dinner together.

I can't blame Bunny much too. The last I was at his place, his mum was insisting that the next trip he is to visit me, they are tagging along.....

I thought everything would be fine....

The morning after I picked them up, his parents insisted to sleep in my rented room as they were tired and at 3pm only they can check-in at the hotel.

Gosh....can't they wait till they check-in the hotel?? I was shocked... Speechless... But understanding they are old... In fact much younger than my parents, I just allowed them to sleep in my room for like 2 hours. And since my room was so small, me and Bunny had to sit in the living room.

Next, when they woke up the first question they asked me was, "Can you take me to buy Toto, 4-D, Magnum?"

I am SHOCKED!!! I have no idea where to buy them. I HATED GAMBLING and I HATE GAMBLERS!!! Yes, I know Bunny's dad like to gamble, but never would I have thought that he came all the way here to gamble.

FINE!! I called Dr ET and Bakut and asked about it. Then took them for breakfast. His mum was insisting to eat Mee Jawa. I told her I will take her to eat nice one later. Then insisted to go to Pg Hill.

-.- we are suppose to go in the morning not in mid-noon at 12pm... I told her that. Fine, that settle things. I was still fine though...

Dinner time... GENG!!!

When I reach the hotel to pick his parents up, OMG... The way his dad dress is like some Ah Beng. Well...nvm... we continue our journey to our little place of a nice V-day dinner. His parents were sitter the table in front of us, he helped his parents to order since they don't know how to read English.

You know the couple next to out table is really very young. They are like about 18 or 19. Whole night they were just staring at us. Why? This is what happens... To say so.... His mother is super talkative. She can talk for 2 hours non-stop. Yeah...soon i got really irritated about it.

Back to the story, she was talking so loud in the restaurant. And the best part is that she was talking to Bunny and his dad. **Please imagine, our tables are front and back** It totally ruin the ambiance of that night and since I was sitting face out, everyone was looking at our table. The second most embarrassing thing is that, his dad ate like he has not eaten in 30 years. Whole night, I only have my eyes on the table and food not wanting to look up. Cause mind you... all eyes was on our two tables, and at that very moment... I sort of imagine what would it like to be if his parents and my parents sat at one table... @@

Well.....no matter what happened, I just had to put up a happy face and pretended nothing had happened. And I even had to lie to him I enjoyed the dinner and everything.

All I can say is that, that's the worst ever dinner and V-day I have ever got. I rather celebrate it alone or with my friends to go through such a horrible evening ever again in my life.

To be continued......