I wanna get real sick, forget and sleep

Tiredness is really getting on to me and yet I can't get myself to sleep. Think I am having my insomia again. My headache is being on and off the whole day. Well, today is a public holiday. Should not be working today, but then my supervisor called me in. So, I went for the morning shift. Have an extra day of money. It was also good that I worked today. It's still better than I just stayed in room the whole day and study or just read books and day dream.

But, it kinda sucks too. U don't have a single day in a week that you are totally free the whole day. Like now, I have work till Monday, and starting tomorrow till Monday are afternoon shift. Then Tuesday till Thursday, I have classes. Some times, I sit down and think do I have enough time for my studies and projects, presentations and so on?

Or I am just pushing myself to the limit so I have no time for other things or think of other things? Yeah, perhaps it's true that I am hiding from life by burying myself with all the work load, school and have the remaining time on my mountains of projects, presentations and assignments. I seriously don't want to face the reality and I really feel like running from life itself. Anyhow, I missed my bus back and since I was having light fever and headache, I straight took a taxi to go back. Spent my 4 hours work money just to get a 8 minutes ride back. In the end, I didn't go back to my room. Instead ended up going online.

I really wish I am dead sick till I can't get out of bed tomorrow. Maybe then I can have a day or two of pure rest and sleep without any time for any thing at all. All in all, I am just running from the fact that I missed him very much. I really want to see him, wish that he is by my side and hold me tight. But, I know that will never happen. In fact, I think I should just prepare myself to get my heart broken soon. I just had a feeling it will just happen. I seriously don't want to think of it or of him. It's so hard to keep myself for not contacting him. Each time I want to, Sal's, Ling's and Ee Mun's words repeat in my mind, "Why are you always going to him and not him to you? He should be coming to you. All guys only want gals to go to them to keep their pride. So, don't go to him no matter what." Trapped in between..........

How I wished I never met him, never knew him, never fall so much in love with him. Then perhaps I don't have to go through what I have to go through now. And each time I tell myself, I cannot love someone more than he loved me and I can't 100% love a person. I ended up failing all those and failing myself. I over loved him and now I am breaking. Gosh...it's so easy for me to tell Mei Chan that not to trust guys fully and love them fully and what the heck I got myself into.

I stilled remember the bad times she went through and how much she cried and heartache she went through. Looking back then, now I am going through the same path she had gone through, or perhaps even more than she had to go through. I just wish he could just get his decision done and stop dragging me. I am not some toy of a doll or a toy car to be toyed around or dragged around. I am human, and I have feelings too. If I have to hurt to death, why can't he just let me have that and be done with our relationship. If he wants to continue, why can't we just be together and he tolerate and care more of me, instead of just giving me a "don't know" as an answer. In fact that, he finds that fixing his friends computer is more important than answering and giving me a decision. Perhaps he is doing it on purpose to drag me. I am not angry or anything about him fixing his friend's computer. But, is it more important than dragging a human feelings here?

I just don't know and don't understand why is it so difficult to love one another for us? I really want to know, how much does he loved me all this while?

Man... the worst thing is that, even my friends could see that I loved him more than him to me. And now each of them keep reminding me or telling me to reconsider him. How can I just reconsider him, when I can't even open my mouth or get those "break-up" words out of my mouth to him? If we were to break-up, he would have to be the one to do it.

Anyhow, I need sleep and I want to sleep....... I just wish that my headache will just stop. It's damn annoying my headache, and my eyes are getting blur...