Little Things In Life

Admiration. Proud?

2009-07-14T22:39:00.003+08:00

It has been countless of times that people around me or my friends tells me that they truly admires me for what I am doing. Just this afternoon, I have a very close colleague and ex-colleague telling me again of that.

It really had me thinking. Am I Proud? Am I not?

Well, the answer is NO. I am not proud of what I doing right now. Countless times I have doubts on myself. Countless times I am regretting my decision to both work and study. To be honest, at times I can't believe that I am doing this and that I am very stupid to choose this path. Why?

Looking through the number of sufferings that I have to go through. It's really a hell of a time and a path to take. I may not appreciate this at this moment. BUT, I will in the future when I take a walk down memory lane.

The truth is, I HATE ppl asking me how to cope with work and studies, as both are equally so important. Well folks, my answer is... "You have no choice but to cope with it." Well... common... look at my life. It's like good as dead. My face is getting horrible with all the acne and pimples + I even have gastric now, and it's all due to stress.

Best part is that, I have signed up for my dissertation as well. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be finishing my MA next year. Please give me all the support you can give. Cause I really don't need admiration as I am not proud of what kind of a hell I am going through. What I really need from everyone is motivation and support.

No IDEA what's up the next ROAD

2009-06-18T11:06:00.002+08:00

Aiks... I just realized how long I have actually neglected my blog. Man... it's been since Feb.

Life have been really busy since then. Especially with work. Name it!!! We are SALVES for the company, where we get RM 1 from the company and they wants us to produce RM 10 work load + quality. More to say I was working till rather late at times (sometimes till 12am) Well, that's all I have to talk about work.

About my studies, yup have a lot of sleepless nights in March till April after my finals. But, all in all... I still enjoy my studies. And YES!!! I have gotten through my last semester exam. Really THank God for it.

At the moment, I'm contemplating whether to take up my dissertation or not for the coming semester. Man... I really can't make up my mind about it. Really need to clear my thoughts and think about it.

At the same time, I need to get a better job to get out of that place or all in all if I'm doing my dissertation must as well stop working and concentrate on my studies... :P

It's about just time.....

2009-02-22T20:42:00.003+08:00

I have been having very bad gastric till I can't sit up last Thursday night. But, it didn't stop me from thinking.

Had my farewell dinner with Dr ET and Bakut. I do understand that both of them are concerned over my well being and end up both of them could not hold back any longer to just sit silent and not doing anything.

Yes, they counsel me after dinner at Sushi King. Their questions kept me pondering about till today.

I do admit that all this while I am in the self-denial state of convincing myself that I love this man a lot and by doing my best this relationship will go on. But, I guess I am wrong. Even outsiders can see that there is only one hand clapping instead of two, and me trying so hard to hold on tight.

I have no idea when this man will wake up and start moving and changing things. As he has once told me, he would like to sleep through all his problems till one day when he wakes up and feels like solving them all. I did question myself, "When should I wait until?"

I may have convey and shared my plans and everything to him. But, has he done the same? In truth, I am still clueless and in the dark. I may have known 70% of him, but I am still pondering about what does he really want from me and in life.

The truth is, this problem is only a small problem. But, since the accumulation through this 2 years it has profoundly became a bigger problem than it is supposed to. The end result, it has affected our communication.

I can feel that the gap between us is getting larger and larger day by day. His only excuse to me is that, he can't change in one night. Yes, I understand no one can change in one night. But, in order to start you have to take the first step and continues with it no matter what difficulties comes across your path. Sadly to say, I am not seeing this in him.

Furthermore, Dr ET made me understand that, for both to communicate well, we have to be excited to share fully 100% with each other, as wanting your partner to know everything about you. I am eager to share with him but I am not sure about him. He always tells me that all this while he has no one to talk to and now he is not use to it. I have to ask him questions in order for him to tell me. I now realized that, that is just an excuse. If he has the heart he could have just try and do it instead of giving me that excuse.

Another thing, I finally understand what Bakut and Dr ET meant by 2 paths becoming one. Yes, I very much agree to that statement. As being single now we both walk different paths. To think of the future, we have to share and compromise in order to cross to make a path and walk together. And now, he may only know of what I have a raft plan for the future. But, me asking him... I have never got a definite answer from him. I know it is too early to plan. But, still it is important for to have at least a basic plan in order for both sides to compromise.

At times I wonder n ponder upon, how can you achieve your goals and dreams if you do not plan for the future? Talking upon them will not make you succeed. Because you don't have a plan to work things out. If you were to plan and things does not work out your way, you would not lose anything but gain more than expected experience. I just wish he could understand this. I am very worried over him. His age is catching up, and I am very uncertain of what is his goals and plans. I feel that perhaps he himself is uncertain about it.

In fact I feel that, he believes 100% what his parents have to say and follows blindly without considering whether it is right or not. The most simple example is that his parents in front of me ask him to drink Pepsi. Cause that will heal his dry cough and clear off all his flam. In basic knowledge, it does not heal n get rid of the flam. In opposite way, it makes the cough worst and gives you more flam. I told that to my experience 83 year old grandmother, and guessed what, I grandmother laugh her ass off and commented the stupidest thing she has ever heard in her whole life. Speaking of non-cold coke with salt or 100 Plus she would agree as those can really help, BUT Pepsi??

If I were to ask Ina's father, a specialist doctor or any of my medical friends, I would be again superbly embarrassed. No wonder after 2 times consulting the doctor he never got cure from his cough. And I can guarantee that even he would to see a specialist or a 100 doctors he will never be cure for taking his parents words. Guess what Chicken said to me when I told her about this incident, "His parents dare to say that in front of you, knowing that you are so well educated and all that makes things worst?"

What can I say? It's not that I did not tell him off. He chose to believe his parents than me. Man... I maybe young and inexperience, that does not mean I am ignorant with the world. I believe that my family and the knowledge gain in these years of studies has equipped me well enough to face the real world. At this point, really for the first time I can identify that he is really a mother's boy. In other words, a frog in the well that only depends on his parents saying and no others. Not even the person that he professes love upon.

My doubts has been growing each time he tells me he loves or appreciates me. Cause I cannot feel them as the gap between us is getting bigger. I think it is my mistake for trying to hard to hold on to this relationship. I think it is also my mistake for loving him too much, till to outsiders thinks that he takes me as someone that serves him and not a partner and companion for himself. Maybe if I have the don't care attitude towards him, all this would not have happened. I guessed all these while my actions has pushed him away instead of getting closer to him.

Since, I have been thinking each and every hour lately, I have finally set a dateline. It's until end of March for both of us. If there is no improvement, I guess it's time to let go no matter how bad it's going to hurt. At least it will end both our misery and unhappiness being together. All I can do now, is pray that it works between us instead taking the hurtful way.

True Colours (Pt. 2)

2009-02-18T22:14:00.002+08:00

As promise the Second part...

Haiz... the second day has arrived. What I was asked to was to take them for 'dim sum'. If you really want to eat real good 'dim sum' in Pg there is one in town and you have to go real early in the morning. BUT... No! Bunny's parents only wanted me to pick them up around 8.30am to about 9am. End up, we went some where near my uni for 'dim sum' since they insisted.

After that, as plan went up to Pg Hill. On the way down I was asking do they want to have lunch before they wan to go to Pg Turf Club? YES... Believe it or not, they requested me to send them to Turf Club. They are here not on visit but gamble. They said no lunch, when my stomach is rumbling. What more could I say, it was just few days back I got my first gastric.

At the end sending them to Turf Club. At the same time I was rather relief. At least no more the nagging of an unknown language. At the same time, I can meet up my coursemate to do my assignment.

End up picking his parents up at 6pm and then we went for dinner. Next I was asked is there any beer serve here. Again... I was like... not shocked... Just maybe speechless. Told his dad I am not sure and he has to ask the waitress to see. Then they wanted to go to Beach.

Took them to Bt Feringgi for the night market and his mum insisted that she wants to go to beach. Took them there though. We were like walking at the beach, and both of us like starting to get into our conversation, and after that.... walah.... his mother keep interrupting our conversation. It's so blardy annoying!!!

The next thing she told me was, "There is nothing at the beach here. Why want come to the beach and walk?"

I was like WTF!!! U insisted and now.... ***SPEECHLESS***

Then his father keep bugging me, where he can go drink. End up we are at Lab again. The usual spot that I always hang out with my group. After ordering, I told Bunny I want take a walk. He told me to wait for him and his mother was goes, "Why you want to go walk in the dark?" Erm....I was like aduh "To get away from her and have sometime of my own."

I will just skip some parts. The part that I really got annoyed was when we were driving back. His mother again non-stop her talk. Sort of illogical speeches she gives. Best part is..........

_________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: How much is your father's salary? He can support you all or not for working overseas?
Rin Rin: ***WTF*** (in heart) ***Ignores....***
Bunny: How can you ask that kind of question?!!
_________________________________________________________________________________

I was like super annoyed, and wondering "you want to know that so that when you don't have money and my parents will provide, is it?"

Gosh... what a woman. She not only talkative that talks non-stop but super extreme "KAYPO". This evidence will come more later.

On the last day, Dr ET was all alone in office since I was on leave and Bakut was on mc. So, I took Dr ET to lunch with us. After all we are eating somewhere near the office. The place I am taking them there is famous for dry jawa mee, chicken rice and also the chicken shop rice.

Told his mum about the nice jawa mee that she wanted to eat was here.

___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: I already tried that in Turf Club. Not nice. Too sweet and sour. All the jawa mee not nice.
___________________________________________________________________________________

-.- just because one is not nice she categorized all as not nice. Fine... they just sat there like king and queen ordering their son to buy food for them. Yes, I don't know how to speak hokkien but I do understand from here and there. Besides, Dr ET is with me and she's a hokkien. His mother was complaining to the father.

___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: This place is so small and hot. No other better place to take us to? No one also wants to come here and eat. So, few stalls. So, few choices to choose from.

***Crowd started to pour in till everyone has to stand***

Swiftly she changes her saying.

Bunny Mum: This place must be very famous. So, many people and no place to sit.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Well, the second most embarrassing scene happens here too. The tea lady serve us our drinks and Bunny's dad paid for it. He gave RM50. The tea lady was holding lose change of RM 1 n RM 5. She slowly calculating and returning the lose change first, and Bunny's mum shouted...
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: We just now gave you RM 50. Where is the rest of the change?!!
Tea lady: Wait, the money is in my pocket and I am calculating.
____________________________________________________________________________________

At that very moment, all other tables and passersby was staring at us. Indeed at that Bunny was not at the table as he was busy buying food for his parents. Gosh... Dr ET and me turned tomato red. I don't understand why the impatient. That tea lady is old so why can't let that poor lady slowly count?

Back into the car, suddenly they asked is there any tourist area in Bayan Lepas? I was like... "It's all factories here. The only place is Qb Mall." His mother was again complaining in hokkien.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: Finally, we are going back tonight. There is nothing here in Pg and no nice food to eat.
Dr ET: Pg here not much place to visit. You come Pg is to eat.
Bunny Mum: Nothing nice to eat in Pg also.
Dr ET: I though Rin Rin took you all to alot of nice places to eat?
Bunny Mum: Cannot eat alot la. Scared fat.
____________________________________________________________________________________

-.- Is that logical?

After I dropped Dr ET back at office. Bunny's mum started question Bunny in Hokkien about Dr ET. Does she has a bf? Where is her bf? What does he work as?

Bunny didn't translate anything to me. I can understand all that. So, does that prove her "KAYPO-ness" yet?

Nevermind, we shall skip to dinner. His mother was making noise since the day they arrived that she wants to eat KFC. Insisting that Sg KFC sucks. Took her to KFC, she insisted she only wanted 2 pieces of chicken wings. (Colonel Chicken Wingz were on promotion 5 pieces) Bunny ordered the snake plate of 2 pieces of chicken wingz for her. Back at the table... (in hokkien)
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bunny Mum: Why the chicken so different? Is this not the promotion chicken wingz?
Bunny: I though you said you wanted 2 pieces? That's the only set with 2 pieces of chicken.
Bunny Mum: I wanted to the promotion chicken wingz on advertisement.
Bunny: That is 5 pieces of chicken. You said you only wanted 2.
***Silence***
Bunny Mum: *Eats* The chicken sucks. It's so dry. So small, not nice. I don't know why we are here eating KFC.
Bunny Dad: You are the one insisted to eat KFC since the first day so what are you complaining?
___________________________________________________________________________________

The whole conversation was in hokkien and I was left out. Cause to them I don't know how to speak means I don't know how to listen as well =D

Sorry to say so, I do understand here and there. I do appreciate the times they were concern about my unfinished assignment. But, I don't appreciate that his mother were quietly back stabbing me behind. Yes, it does not sound like a back stab. Then again, no one knows if she does that when I am not around, right?

This final part, it's kind of embarrassing. We are at KFC in Qb Mall, we had sometime before I was to send them to the bus station and I was continue doing my assignment at the next table. His dad is whistling as usual, the next thing u see is that, he put up his leg on the chair. Erm... I agree at times I do that when I am at home. But, that is in public. And I guess people around were shocked as well as I am. Cause people who passes our table will like really turn and look at our table at Bunny's fathers' direction. Again, Bunny was not at the scene as he was at the toilet.

Well, that's not the gross part. The grosses part is while we are eating. Again his dad ate like never eaten before and he really spit out the bones of the chicken as he likes. Best part, his parents tell Bunny that Pepsi can cure dry cough and they asked Bunny to drink more of it @.@

Can some one give me some advise about this? I wonder what life would be after marriage and staying with his parents as he wants that... =(

True Colours (Pt. 1)

2009-02-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

During the first 3 meetings, everything was fine. It's not that you don't have bonding with his parents. I do, u know? We met, we talk, we went out together, we had lunch and dinner together, I even cooked a meal for the family.

It just didn't show. Everything seems so normal (I won't use perfect, cause no one is perfect). Till the weekend.....

Here it started...

Bunny was coming to Pg to visit me at the same time for the first time we are celebrating V-day together. Well, I am excited about it, after all I have never celebrated it with a partner before. Most of the previous V-day, I am all alone or celebrated with friends. But, the thing is... I am not very happy about it. He is bringing his parents. Yeah, we are to celebrate together with his parents and to have dinner together.

I can't blame Bunny much too. The last I was at his place, his mum was insisting that the next trip he is to visit me, they are tagging along.....

I thought everything would be fine....

The morning after I picked them up, his parents insisted to sleep in my rented room as they were tired and at 3pm only they can check-in at the hotel.

Gosh....can't they wait till they check-in the hotel?? I was shocked... Speechless... But understanding they are old... In fact much younger than my parents, I just allowed them to sleep in my room for like 2 hours. And since my room was so small, me and Bunny had to sit in the living room.

Next, when they woke up the first question they asked me was, "Can you take me to buy Toto, 4-D, Magnum?"

I am SHOCKED!!! I have no idea where to buy them. I HATED GAMBLING and I HATE GAMBLERS!!! Yes, I know Bunny's dad like to gamble, but never would I have thought that he came all the way here to gamble.

FINE!! I called Dr ET and Bakut and asked about it. Then took them for breakfast. His mum was insisting to eat Mee Jawa. I told her I will take her to eat nice one later. Then insisted to go to Pg Hill.

-.- we are suppose to go in the morning not in mid-noon at 12pm... I told her that. Fine, that settle things. I was still fine though...

Dinner time... GENG!!!

When I reach the hotel to pick his parents up, OMG... The way his dad dress is like some Ah Beng. Well...nvm... we continue our journey to our little place of a nice V-day dinner. His parents were sitter the table in front of us, he helped his parents to order since they don't know how to read English.

You know the couple next to out table is really very young. They are like about 18 or 19. Whole night they were just staring at us. Why? This is what happens... To say so.... His mother is super talkative. She can talk for 2 hours non-stop. Yeah...soon i got really irritated about it.

Back to the story, she was talking so loud in the restaurant. And the best part is that she was talking to Bunny and his dad. **Please imagine, our tables are front and back** It totally ruin the ambiance of that night and since I was sitting face out, everyone was looking at our table. The second most embarrassing thing is that, his dad ate like he has not eaten in 30 years. Whole night, I only have my eyes on the table and food not wanting to look up. Cause mind you... all eyes was on our two tables, and at that very moment... I sort of imagine what would it like to be if his parents and my parents sat at one table... @@

Well.....no matter what happened, I just had to put up a happy face and pretended nothing had happened. And I even had to lie to him I enjoyed the dinner and everything.

All I can say is that, that's the worst ever dinner and V-day I have ever got. I rather celebrate it alone or with my friends to go through such a horrible evening ever again in my life.

To be continued......

What?? An Accident!!!

2008-12-10T21:49:00.006+08:00

Things really got out of hand. I was just enjoying the view of my new lappy that I got last Friday night. Was too looking for a fruitful enjoyable weekend.

End Up???

Sad....

Exhausting.....

Terrified.......

Traumatized..........

It was really a tiring weekend with the traveling. While both my good passengers sitting next to me and behind me had their naps while I was driving back to Ipoh. It was a tiring drive though.

Got home, picked up my granny and took her out for shopping. As for at night dinner, dinner and hang out with the girls. -.- only managed to sleep, hmmmm.... let's say 4 am or maybe earlier.

Woke up at 7am. Out for breakfast. Hunting for "dim sum" hehehehe.... Then some window shopping with my housemate and bf. Tiring and disappointing. My mum, my bf and I were totally just following my housemate walking around a shopping complex maybe say half the size of Queensbay Mall in Penang for 4 hours.

She went in shop by shop to look at clothes and only close to the end of the 4 hours she manage to buy a blouse. Sigh.... tiring you know... and later at 6.30pm have family dinner... Gosh...!

Let's get back to shopping then...

Mum was in the shop with her... mum said she was staring at a blouse for 5 minutes blankly dunno what to do. Talking about my she housemate, my first impression on her was... she has a bit of a mental prob. And everyday she comes home complaining about her job and her boss. YES!!! Even you are busy in your room trying your very best to finish your work, she will be standing at your door complaining about her boss even she knows you are busy...

Ok... let's turn back to shopping.....

She knew that all 3 of us were waiting for her alone. Yet, she still proceed with her choosing and staring blankly at blouses. 30 minutes later, she finally bought a black blouse. And...and......and......... me half dead.... HAIZ........

Dinner was ok... But due to my lack of sleep... my monster temper is out... Yeah... and the poor guy who had to suffer was my bf. ***sorry dear*** :P Then partly your fault too for making me more angry for the night.

Then goes on to the day of traveling back to Penang. Yikes... rain stop rain... then heavy rain stop sudden heavy rain......

Just not long right after the Taiping - Kamunting exit, there was an accident in front. So, all cars stop... And I was the lucky one to be the last car to stop... Had my hand brakes up and I was still stepping on my brakes... (raining man, Scared the back fellow can't see)

WAHLAU EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH????????????????

I just stopped my car for like 5 seconds and *BANG!!!!!!!!* ...

My heart... dropped out... and I blurted blankly without noticing, "Sei lo, tis time" (Die tis time)

Got down of the car and went to have a look at the back of my car... DAMN...!!! Car back door finish...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bunny: Dear... come up front here (pointing at the car bumper)
*me walk to the front*
Rin Rin: OMG!!! WTF...!!! WTH.....!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My front bumper was badly damage as well to the extend that I can open the car bonnet. But, Thank God my bonnet has no damage.

Haiz... the impact was so great that my car was push forward even with brakes on hit the front car. But, thank God again, front car no damage. Ended up at police station for almost 3 hours to get the report done and by the time we got home in Penang, it was already 10++pm.

Am super burnt out... I slept the instance my head hits the pillow =D

(Bunny refers to my BF) :p

Finally.... PC Fair...

2008-12-04T13:44:00.003+08:00

Heh...heh...heh.... finally Dec...
Then again I can't wait for my holidays to start on 24 December... Tomorrow someone's gonna be here.

Not only that... PC FAIR 2008 too... I hope there are going to be Xmas promotions. Need to get a new laptop of mine. ^.^ hopes to get a good price out of it.

Waiting...

2008-11-23T12:58:00.001+08:00

This waiting is killing me. I really can't wait to get out of here...

Hello....!!! Mind you that I am already trying my best to apply for jobs and waiting for phone calls. Why the economy have to be down at this moment. Haiz.....

All in all I am not giving up on applying for more jobs. Then again... I feel that this bird cage is getting from worst to worsen. More and more stupid implementation without further consideration has been implemented. Not to mention, I can't wait to finish all my report. But, it seems that its never ending.

Then again, I can't wait for December for my long holidays..... Weeeee......... I am off to Singapore again.

Talking about traveling, I didn't get to travel much this year. Just got on by my Singapore trip in September. Probably I will travel more on the following year *****Prays hard that my pocket permits my travel allowances*****

(And I Envies Ling for traveling so much right after graduation @.@)

Mum's Day

2008-11-08T21:46:00.002+08:00

HEh..heh..heh.... I am dead tired from the traveling and long distance driving. But, whatever it is, we made our surprise good for mum. Told her we weren't going to be home for her bday this year. But, anyhow we plan things out and we really shocked her. many thanks to the interview I had to attend yesterday. Travel all the way down to KL right after work on Thursday. Did a good planning and picked up my bro and his gf after my interview and straight shoot home.

Hehehe... My mum called when we were on the way. Told her I was meeting my bro at KLCC. End up she got a shocked when she saw us home.

No matter what, I had a great interview yesterday. And really praying hard that I will get it. In fact, I pretty like the environment of the office. At least I hear people talking and also phones ringing. Unlike the current place I working at.

Haiz... what can I say... I am working in a bird cage that does not allow people to talk to your colleagues. Oh... GOD please help me.............. T.T

November

2008-11-01T11:07:00.003+08:00

It's already November. Time flies, and Monday is my Finals. Well, I am still preparing for it. In fact, I don't really remembered what I have studied the past few nights. Think cause of being so drained from work and home with dry up brains, I couldn't really manage to get anything from my studies into my brains. It will just have to be today and tomorrow to finish up everything.

Thinking of November... it is going to be December soon and then to Jan 2009. Times really flies. I have not even fully enjoy this 2008 year and it's already end of the year. In fact, I am rather unusual what has been going on around this year. Times flies so fast that everything just pass by as a blurry shadow. And I truly miss those times back in Uni with my course mates. Those 3 years, I truly enjoyed to the fullest.

Now, I really have to look forward and start planning on what I should do and achieve next year. Grrrrrrr..... must really achieve all my goals for next year... :P

Finally all done...

2008-10-23T23:26:00.002+08:00

Finally, all the assignment, proposal and project has been done and submitted. Tomrrow onwards have to start to go back in worrying about my work again...

Sigh...I still have lots of work to do on since, am having four cases stagging up like moutain. Am not going to take home and do during the weekend. Will just have to go in early and stay back late again for next week to finish up my work for the next of whole week.

Well, finals coming up as well on the 3rd of Nov. Not looking forward for it and at the same time really hope I will get it done as soon as possible. What an irony about it. I don't even know I will get enough time to study for all the chapters or not. -.-

Argggggg.....Project and assignment...

2008-10-18T22:50:00.003+08:00

Hm....another 1 more project and also an assignment to finish. Not very happy about it as no idea on what to do for my assignment since ALL ideas were kept being rejected by my good lecturer.

Hanging Around...

2008-10-02T23:26:00.003+08:00

I am suppose to have drove back to Penang today. God's knows why, I didn't. Even applied for leave for tomorrow. Perhaps things just happens this way.

When dinner with mum, bro and Ee Mun. Seriously, I don't expect to see anyone, especially my old schoolmates. First off would be Fong May, I seriously did not expect to see her after so long. It's like counting back, the last I saw her was when we were Form 5. Yeah, I still remember those times that we attend tuition together. And today, I seriously didn't see her if she didn't call me. Next thing I know she is also in Penang. Well, I guess after all not only me and Saras in Penang for the Convent girls of my batch.

Next off, I don't expect to see Tony as well. It's been like since Upper 6, that's like the last I saw him. I still remember last time when he fetch me to church and back home and we were in the same school for Form 6. Well... I also got to know that he is now working somewhere in Butterworth. Haha...not bad another person I know is working in Penang. Yeah... I hope to meet him up to sometimes when he comes over to the island.

Next off, would be Jia Vei. I seriously didn't see her in Tesco until she called me. Then the news of her friend's car was stolen when they were having dinner at Wooly, Ipoh Garden. Well...lucky her that her course is a 4 years course. I so wanna go back to full time studying. She is envious of me graduating and working now. But, seriously I think she won't be glad if she were to be in my shoes now. I really wish that I can go back to full time studying and not give a damn to the stupid working world.

This trip back is a really fruitful trip. Yet, I a very tiring trip. It's like I suppose to be back for holidays, but end up still no holiday and I still have lots to do here back at home. I also got to meet up with Joanne. It's been like one and half years I have not seen her. She has grown fatter and looks better. She is also much mature compare to last time.

I guess all of us has grown out of everything we were looking back at last time. All of us now seem to have our own path waiting for us to journey down that way. Sometimes thinking back, I really don't know, whether I took the right path or the wrong one. Or perhaps I have been to greedy for trying to kill two birds with a stone. I just hope things will turn out well at the end of it. If not, I guess I will have to sacrifice either my work or my studies. Whatever happens... CHEERS to out future and our journey towards it. Then again, all of us have grown up well and walking all sorts of different paths. Some of us being envious over others path. Some contented and some disappointed and hoping for the best. As for me, I don't know what am I actually feeling. In fact I feel a bit of all the feelings that were mention.

On 2 days leave = no leave

2008-09-27T17:26:00.004+08:00

Well...I am glad that I am home again. At least a place that I don't feel so stress up. Then again, even I am on leave on both Monday and Tuesday, it's still same as no leave.

Gotta take my work home to do and also got my proposal, project and assignment to finish up. -.-""

So, what's the use of being on leave?

Another Working Weekend...

2008-09-20T21:43:00.003+08:00

Well...it's another busy working weekend. Everyone looks forward for a weekend to rest and enjoy what they wish to do. Well... sorry to say, "NO!!! I don't enjoy my weekend! And YES I am working at home again!!!"

This is life. Everyone enjoys their first or second month of work. When it comes to the third or the fourth month, you see them dying or drying up. Prefer to say witter to death.

I am so not myself. My social life is dead now. Not only that, I am slacking on my studies. I am way behind from where I should. Now I am having a real difficult time to catch up. I just wish my work load will subside soon..... Or else you can just kill me with it.

@@... talking about my studies..... I still havent started my proposal and project work yet for my studies... Dang... after Raya have to hand in adi... And everyday I am still busy with my work..... grrrrrrrrrr........

Still in Depression

2008-09-13T22:05:00.003+08:00

Being home is still being in Penang. At least now I feel better when I am home. But, thinking of tomorrow going back to Penang, ticks me off again. I am really trying my best to control my emotions. But, I keep failing. I told my mum I really don't want to go back to Pg tomorrow. I really hate the fact that I have to go back tomorrow. I hate the fact even more that the next round I am to return home was during Raya that week. Thinking back, coming home is really a relief for me from all the hazard and buzzer. It's been a month since I last came home, and the last I came home was together with Lex after my convo. That week was the most busy week ever. But, during the busyness I really enjoyed all of it and was very happy as well.

I wished that happiness would have last instead all the ugliness of things. YES!!! I really screwed up my report as I predicted. And YES... I was called in by both my manager and also backup supervisor. SHIT... now I really don't know how to face my own supervisor next month when she comes back. Whatever happens, everything is over. I should be relief that I was only call in to explain myself and to let them know was I too stressed in coping with two big reports at one go. Well...it's settled though.

But, something is still amiss. I don't know what exactly it is. One thing I do still know is that, I am still physically, mentally and emotionally down. I just wish that weekends are longer. At least I can rest more at home and clear off some of things that I need to other than work.

Seriously, I rather stay home in Ipoh to take care of my grandma in nursing home or take my other grandma out and be home with my mum. I feel if, I work in Ipoh also it wouldn't be this bad. At least I know there are people waiting for me at home after a long day of work. I am also human. I also need to socialize. I also need someone to be with. I may look strong, but I am not really what others think of me as. All I just wish is that someone close to be to be with me to comfort me when I am down. Instead of me battling this battle all on my own. I too have a certain limit in taking on things which I think I already have to much on hand that I can't handle it anymore. All in all I only can pray to GOD to bless this daughter of yours with strength to go on.

Depression + Stress....

2008-09-07T21:35:00.003+08:00

I am very extremely depress + stress + pressured... I have tons of work load. And the report that I am on is huge. I can't even finish the searches even in four days. And tomorrow is the deadline for it. DAmn.....

Some more yesterday have to shift in the rain. As is was raining the whole day. And in the evening I have nothing to cook that I do not have any idea to what to eat. Well, lucky that my new housemate was having the same problem and both of us end up going out to eat. Lucky that my car was parked in front of our unit. If not I have no idea how are we going to get to the car. Besides, there were also floods all around.

Damn....I am still doing my work now. I really have a feeling that I am going to miss out important infos in my report. Shit.....!! I know that is going to happen. Damn....I just have that BLOODY FEELING of it...

Anyhow, I have been crying all week and feeling super down. It's either of my aunty or I am really to stress out with the bloody report. And my second report due on Tuesday, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON IT....!!!!!

Each time I think of home I will start crying. I really want to go home. I know I am running away from all my problems. But, I really want to take a break. I really regret a lot that I didn't take a long break before starting to work and also starting my studies. I feel so tired now. I really want to take a long break now. Not only that, when I think of Lex, I missed him so damn much. And I will start to think, why didn't I go to him after I graduated? If I have gone to him, at least I won't feel this lonely. Or perhaps, why did I continue with my Masters? If working back in Ipoh also it would not be as bad as now in Penang. At least here I have my family and also my friends. At least I don't have to struggle so much in Penang being so lonely and facing up so many things at the moment.

I really want to go home. I am DAMN BLOODY HOMESICK...

The start of Loneliness...

2008-09-03T21:23:00.002+08:00

Finally, I am back from Singapore. First thing when arrive is to go back to office. Work...work…and work…. I just feel so much pressure from all the work. Then I have class again at night.

Things are just not right. I don’t know why. But I feel very down. It feels….. I don’t know how to explain it. But, I don’t like the feeling. I am starting to miss him a lot. Whenever I think of him I really want to cry.

I feeling much stress and depress at the same time. I don’t know why as well. Maybe I am getting a lot of work load from work and also the pressure and stress is there. I have two cases for this week and two big ones for next week. What more… I have exam this week as well. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. I have so many things and I really want to clear them off as soon as possible and yet I can’t get it done. I feel like 24 hours a day is really not enough. What more I am also very tired each time when I am back from work. Every time I am back from work, after I bath, I really want to sleep. But, I can never do that as I still have so much of my own things to settle. First, will be my studies, and secondly will be about my personal life.

Till today, I have still not started my proposal and also project. I really don’t know when I will start it and when only I will have the time to read up all the materials that I am suppose to. My memory is also a big problem. I am beginning to have really bad memory. I keep forgetting this and that, and making tons of mistakes in my report. Well, even though they are not big mistakes, but there are careless mistakes. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so useless and makes me start thinking that, “Am I suitable for this job or not?”

At the same time, I feel very lonely here. Especially, after coming back from Sg makes me feel the loneliness even more then ever. I missed all my coursemates that I always hand out with. I miss those times that all of us go eat and window shopping together and how we spent so much time in Niichi in Queensbay. Shit….!!! I really miss all of them a lot, and HATE the fact that I am here all alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Another busy week...

2008-08-21T21:57:00.001+08:00

It's almost weekend now. And it has been a busy week since after a long weekend. Gotten 2 big reports when I was on leave last week. Talk about it.... THERE ARE BIG REPORTS!!

Thank God one was canceled. Still I am not reaching my target for this month. And for last month I am short of 1 report to reach my quota. Got another big case again today. It's due on the day after my half day leave on 3rd Sept.

It really makes me wonder, will I make it in time to finish up the report? Cause it will be another long weekend then, and I will be away next weekend in Singapore. Or else I will have to keep OT again next week like what I am doing this week. Arg.... all the training going on in office also it taking up my time to finish up the reports. The refresher course would be ok. But, WTH is with the English course???!!!! Hate that Jabba too.... he is so long winded over everything and delaying everyone's precious time.

Whatever happens... It's not like I am going to Singapore to enjoy or have fun. End up going there cause of my research work again. Well, I really need to get my proposal and project work started. Deadline coming up real fast. Die die...this weekend don't go for my Masters activities but go back to office to finish up my work... hehehe..... XD

Not long my family, friends, and bf will have to visit me in Tanjung Rambutan soon....... XD

It's over, It's tiring...

2008-08-17T22:44:00.003+08:00

Sigh... Convo's over and I am damn bloody tired. Just send Bunny off and tomorrow will have to send another 2 off. NO...!! I am not happy about it. In fact very emo about it. Been holding back my tears when sending Lex off. What about tomorrow sending my best gals off too for tomorrow?

The last when we said goodbye, we are sure to meet again during convo. This time.... I am speechless. After this parting when will we ever meet again? Not only that, I am left alone again in this lonely place to walk this lonely journey of the the new phrase.

I am not very happy walking down this path. BUT, I know that I have to be strong to go through with it. Seriously, I have choose the worst and the hardest path to walk in. If I am given a choice again, I would not have done the same.

Life since July is bad. Tired to my bones that can break and lack of sleep most of the time. I just wish one day has more then 24 hours. Then I might have enough time to work and to do my studies as well.

Now, I am really feeling really lazy. I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, after 4 days of not working. This is really killing me going back to work and back to the most busy time.

I WANT A PROPER LONG HOLIDAY AND OUT OF MALAYSIA!!!!! Damn...not because of my work I would have been some where having a long holiday........ I hate it...!! How long more can I really take all this and this lonesome time alone again here???

Eve of Convo

2008-08-14T23:55:00.008+08:00

Well... today's the first day of Convo in USM. Been a busy day as well. Woke up early in the morning just to get ready then fetch Bunny then drop him at Tesco and when for my interview at Altera. Was surprise to see Yoges there. Really didn't know that he is doing his internship there. Waited for an hour and no one came to interview me. And Yoges came in twice to just check on me. I asked for a reschedule though and it will be on tomorrow evening at 6pm.

When back to fetch Bunny at Tesco then when home to change and get my robes. Was having a photo session in the afternoon at 12pm at the studio. Preparations and so on took like about half an hour before the shooting when on. Then when to get my parents and to lunch.

After lunch then took them to check in and I went to school to attend my class. Was like dead tired by the time i finish class. Still hv to go home bath and take my parents and grandma to dinner. Well....after dinner still can't go home yet. Still have to go airport to fetch Carol's parents.

T.T anyway...got a parkin ticket while at the airport........ Damn bad luck.....

Anyway, everyone been asking me, am I excited about my convocation. I kind of like feel normal and nothing much. It just feels like "It's just another day you have to go through." Then again... maybe I am not there yet with my excitement. Not until tomorrow when the real thing comes. Or just maybe I am too tired to bother of it. Have been really busy since July with my studies and work and lack of sleep. Maybe that played a part in not letting me feel what all my friends are feeling.

I know Bunny is excited. Even though it's not his graduation. Haha....he is happy for me though that's one thing for sure that I know. What ever it is, I am glad he is here for my big day for tomorrow even though I know my parents especially my dad is really unhappy about it. He hasn't been happy since I started the relationship with Bunny.

I just wish they will just leave us alone. After all it's my own path that I walking it. I can't depend on others to tell me which path to take. Then again I can't sleep early for tonight as I have planned. Need to do up some preparations, pack up some things and do up a new resume for tomorrow's interview. Tomorrow will be a super tired day. As have to get up at 5.30am to prepare for the convo. Gotta register by 7.30am.

Still I have to drive back to Ipoh tomorrow evening or night after my interview. That sucks. Going to drop dead soon. Thought that I can have a Saturday rest before my Sunday rush. T.T

Misses the Girls from my Course Dearly...

2008-08-12T14:13:00.030+08:00

I look so much Younger, just 6 months ago.

For the passed 3 months, I was here on my own working and started my studies one mth ago...
It's damn boring to be here alone. When u pass by USM and then it always reminds you of those days you were back there studying your degree. Almost each day after class we will go window shopping or hang out at Subaidah USM. Evenings we will hang out at Khaleel or at Roti Bakar to online or just chat non-stop.

I miss those times too when we rent the car and we go to beach, shopping, and DVD shopping Bt. Feringgi. Really miss those times like mad. Each time thinking back, in truth, it hurts to be so lonely here but just have those memories on pictures or memory imprinted in our heads.

Even remember the times when we use to rush for our assignments. All staying up to burn midnight oil in out hostel study room or in my room. Then we or I will run around from room to room to check out the errors of the assignments. LOL... I really felt like a editor that time.

My All Time Partner in Crime.

I still remember those times when Ing Ling still staying in hostel. LOL... I will be like running from my room to her room or vice verse (staying at the same wing and a floor different). Sometimes we will start shouting from our rooms to each other. Yeah... she even blog it in her blog about me... God!! After reading that, it really make me cry and it still does now. It makes me miss all of you even more. (For more details of Ing Ling, please refer to her 24 June 2008 blog).

We are not drunk. We are just hot.

To Suria, you are the most crazy mate that I have back in study and hostel days. LOL... I still remeber you got so much influence by me that you bought tortioses, fishes, and hamsters to rare in your own room. And how you have to take care of my hamsters when I am not around in Penang. Saddest thing is that, now Sasa is gone. You are also my shopping "kaki" as well as partner in crime with all sorts of crazy things we always do. I still remember we stay out until 4am in the morning fooling around and driving around Penang. How I wish we can do that some time again.

One of the Most Enjoyable Times.

Boon Sin and Fui Ling, both of you including Suria, Fida and Leen... Wah...can say all of you really my "kaki" enjoy, shopping, and eat.

Many thanks to Boon Sin for getting us around with your car and so are our driver besides me the driver. Fui Ling, the most polite, soft and blur in the group. I thought I was the most blur, but then again came out she is.

To Fida, at least I will still be seeing you 1 more year in USM. The most mature ( playfully mature) and lots of stories and guidance from her.

Leen, you always make me vomit blood... Nothing more to describe about you. Wakakaka....also got influence by me to rare hamsters.

I miss those times too when u rush from one class to another. Or when we have break all of us will either again hang out or have lunch at Subaidah or at Bird cage. Really miss those times so much.

This was like in 2nd Year.

Not to forget Carol. You are the most innocent girl that I have really know. Also one of my best companion in my undergraduate life. Wishing you all the best in getting a job here in Penang, so that at least I have some one here with me.

Sometimes just wish that all those time will go on forever and ever without ending. I remember too the time we travel to KL, Cameron, Singapore and also Genting together. You girls really rock my life as an undergraduate.

I also realise that when ever all of sit down we will have never ending stories or talking.

I am jst so tired...

2008-08-09T21:37:00.001+08:00

I am feeling extremely tired. Convo is jst next Friday and I look like a walking zombie even before convo.

Damn... When only I can have a goodnight sleep with out to worry about the people and things around me.

Have been really down these few days too... I jst couldn't contain it all anymore. I don't feel lonely. Just that my frustration towards all my problems that never ending stacking up. One problem done then the next is up. Well... I am not giving up no matter what happens!!! I jst need to release my frustration and stress. At the same time I damn miss my close friends and Lex.... T.T

Sigh..... even now my weekends are all fill up and I can't sleep late on weekends anymore. -.- Need to relocate again end of this month, then need to travel home... Need to travel to KL and Singapore to do my research for my Masters studies... Arg.....!!! When only I can settle down peacefully???

I want sleep!!! I want rest...!!! Still tomorrow need to wake up early for to travel back to Pg to collect my robe and also to work on Monday. How I wish Monday is a holiday.

Ahahahaha.... Still I am still in a vry mix up state with all the mix up feelings.....!!!

I just feel so empty...

2008-07-06T22:31:00.003+08:00

On Monday, the arguments started and there goes the million dollar question and decision again. Each time it breaks my heart more and more. I can't help it, my tears just well up on its own and starts cascading down my cheeks. It hurts...

The feeling of ignorance creeping up more and more. I hate it each conversation we had, had to end up as a fight. Sometimes I just wish everything would end between us and lets move on without each other. Yet, my heart always holds me back and then I realise again how much I love him and how much I am trying to make things work and to plan for our future.

On Wednesday, it all started with my Orientation. Getting trap here and there. Got so frustrated with the slow and unorganized process of registration and also of the payment of fees. Thursday, another bad news came in. I just don't know it's really bad news or good news.

Yeah, I was recommended by my SA and manager to my V.P to change me to a full time analyst instead of an Archive. I don't know I should be glad for that or not, since I was throw on shift. I really want to stay on normal shift.

First and foremost, it's my safety returning at night when I am on afternoon shift and also parking is a problem at my apartment area and it's dark and dangerous. Second, when I am on afternoon shift for the month I will have to keep wasting my leaves as I need to take them and so that I can go attend my evening or night classes. Third, wasting my leave on classes and I have no leaves for holidays.

SHIT...........!!!!! My life's so messed up!!!!!!!

What hurt most is that each of his sweet and touching words will be followed by hurting words. I feel so much as an empty shell now that slowly losing myself and soul.

What happened yesterday, hurts the most. Now, I am really left half hanging not know has it really end on our relationship or has it not. After all his last words to me were, " Then good luck to you in your own race." WTF, DOES IT MEAN???

Am I some toy for you to toy around??!!! Why do you have to be such a stuck up human? And why did I fell in love so deeply with a stuck up person like him?!!!

I am about to lose my mind during these two days. Thank God for sending Carol and Stephen to be myside keeping me company most of the time. If not I bet I will have lose my mind.......

A year Older...

2008-06-25T23:58:00.001+08:00

Well I am a day older again today..... I wasn't expecting anyting today jst another normal day and was planning to jst go eat dinner with my collegues and a friend.

Well, it turn out to be a good one though. Those crazy Beans jst can't make stop laughing so much that my stomach hurts so much...

Well after dinner went for movie, "Made of Honour". Well another 2 hours of laughing non-stop. Gosh...I have been laughing so much the whole of today and I can't jst stop laughing even know looking back at the pictures that we snap earlier. It's nice too that I actually had a surprise birthday cake from my really close collegues.... Should say the crazy Beans in the office.

Anyhow, I was kinda shock as well that my supervisor got to know about my birthday. And that's the "bocor" of it...... Hahaha...I guess I was lucky as well that I didn't get bash up in office and hving all the tricks above my head. Was kinda busy though...... Got case to settle and submit today as well as Friday.

Hahaha....another thing that makes me the most happy is that I got the number I wanted for my vry own car :D

What more I got my car number plate and my car was registered today as well....... A good timing birthday present for myself..... I guess that's something for me to remeber every year. The oni difference btw my car and me is that we are born in different years only... I can't wait to go home this weekend to get my car...hahahaha......

Tired and Freaking OuT!!!

2008-06-13T21:16:00.003+08:00

Gosh...!!

I am tired. Practically didn't get rest at all the whole of last week. Went home last weekend and practically spent most of the time at the hospital instead at home and rest. Well, at least I am glad now that popo is better than before and during the first few days at hospital. But, I guess it's worth it to stay overnight at the hospital to take turns to take care of her and see her progress of healing. I don't wist for her to go back to that torture house. So, I am really hoping that sis and mum can settle the house soon to shift popo away from that torture house.

Almost got sick and was really tired at work on Monday. Even fell asleep during test of IPDD on Wednesday. Lol... I actually already finish work that's why had a bit of time to sleep while waiting for others to finish. I am excited to go on floor and try out the real cases.

But, when it came yesterday as the last day of training, kinda hope that training will never end. It feels so much like you are attending lecture in Uni. It also got all of us started, "Whether are we qualified yet to be on floor for real cases?"

At the end we cannot avoid it. No matter we still have to be on floor today. Best of all Julia, Eunise and Roger got their cases yesterday. It was fast man. Before even training ended and they got their cases already.

Well, I did not get mine till today at 3 something in the afternoon. Was expecting for IEDD 2 reports but ended up getting an IPDD report... Scary my first report is the most important report. Best of all due date is on my birthday. Lol....actually a lot of things ending on my birthday even supermarket and departmental stores sales ends on that day.

Yeah...I just remember today is Friday 13... Bad luck day.... HAhaha....

Really it is. I only got my case 2 1/2 hours before end of the day and was rushing to finish as much as possible. You just have to finish what is possible. Once you get started on the job, there is no end to it and reports just start stagging higher and higher. Yeah... I would not be having as much as reports as the normal analyst. But, when big projects comes in I am so dead. Coz i will have to handle cases and projects ahead and there are only 3 Analyse Archive including me in the company, and currently only 2. The other will be in next month from the new badge.

It is scary getting real reports and I was like freaking out just now when I got my real case. Was so excited before but when the real thing comes it just scare you out of it. You are just scared that you may not provide the real information that what is needed. Sigh... I guess will jst hv to be confident about it and to face up with all challenges as well as all the responsibilities.

First Day!! FirST DAY!!!

2008-06-02T21:45:00.002+08:00

Wow...!!

Was so nervous this morning when got to work. With mixture of excitement and scared as well. The worst thing is that I have to wait for nearly an hour to get a bus to work. Well, that was still ok after all I was to nervous for my first day till I was not bother about how long that I have been waiting.

It's a blessing as well to have someone you know working together with you and also starting the training together. But anyhow, I nearly freak out when I was called out by my manager from training room early in the morning. Thought I have done something wrong or so. Lucky it was only about my shift work. I am suppose to be on normal shift but was told to go on shift working starting on 16 June. That would be after my 2 weeks of training.

I think going on shift work is not that bad. At least you have half a day to run errands and not need to worry about not being able to get to the bank while you are working during working hours and so on. Best of all u get extra allowance as well as you dun have to worry about traffic jam. But, I do need to worry about my transportation. Well... an waiting for my own car now.

Training today was ok. Not too bad. Morning was just introduction and also orientation of cause. Then afternoon started on the real training. Was not too bad too. The surprise thing is that saw and got to know another acquaintance be starting work and be working together with us soon. Was lucky too that one of my colleague are staying near my place and that I can car pull with him till I get my own car.

At the moment I do really enjoy the work and so on. Lol...haven't even start on floor already am enjoying. Wonder when on floor handling real cases will it be as enjoyable as now or not. But, there are worries as well. Really afraid that I can't cope on real cases later and also with the responsibilities to be bared.

6 days more to go...

2008-05-26T18:00:00.004+08:00

Well..... I have 6 days more to go before my first day of work. Thinking back, I am really excited when I first got the job. Now I am feeling really nervous and also kind of scared about going to work on Monday. A lot of things keep popping out in my mind. I have been wondering, how am I suppose to get to work and will get bus to work and if I missed it how am I going to go to work and so on. There are so many questions lining up for me to answer them and I have no idea how to get through with them.

What else is that what do I have to bring to work on the first day and how should I be on that day. Guess doing part-time job is really different from your permanent job. I am seriously having a mixture of feelings at the moment. Now again I asked myself, "am I ready to take up the responsibility given to me? Sigh... I am really scared now that I will write a wrong report or analyst and then that's it...I lose my job....."

Well... I should just let nature takes it place =)

@@ Blink...blink....

2008-05-12T22:26:00.005+08:00

I am back in Penang again, and I am in my new room. Finally, I have shifted out from hostel and from home. Still got lots to unpack and so on... Tired... Still have like 3 more boxes to unpack. But then, at least I adi have half of it unpack and arranged nicely. When up to office today to finally sign my offer letter. YEAH...!! I am finally officially employed!!! Sad thing is that now I have only 2 weeks left of my holidays before I start work and then my Masters in July.

Finally too, that I have made a decision to stay and do my Masters in Penang instead of applying to Singapore or to US or UK. It's a tough decision to make since that having a overseas Masters, job opportunity would be better. But, I guess now my work and experience is more important. In fact looking at reality, even Masters holders are not guarantee a job and what more of a degree holder.

After all it's not easy to get a good job and a good starting pay. Going through tons of interview and so far I was only hired by a company. And Thank God it's the company that I really wanted to get in. I guess that's how y final decision came of to just continue my Masters here and get work experience then maybe go off to Singapore to get a better job and perhaps to even continue with my PHD. I guess sometimes you have to make sacrifices for what is the best for now and future.

Am I just Lucky or What?

2008-05-06T14:52:00.002+08:00

Woot... I got hired by the company that I wanted to get in. Will have to wait for my offer letter now and be starting work on next month. Starting pay is rather good as well. I really don't know I am just lucky or what. Probably, it's Jessy's work for persuading them to take me in that I got the job and probably not. Whatever it is I owe it to Adrian and Jessy.

Now that I have another 3 weeks off, I really need to plan where I want to go for my holidays and so on. Once start work I won't have time anymore and what more Masters will be starting in July as well. It's going to be busy 3 months straight right up till August, after convocation.

Seriously, speaking I really want to go Singapore and have a nice holiday. But, I guess that would be hard even though Lex offer to pay and provide for all my needs and transportation. Mum prob... That's the usual issue that I am forever facing.

Anyhow, I got darker since the Sarawak trip. It's really extremely hot there... T.T nearly got sun burnt as well. After all it's an enjoyable trip despise the unhappy turns on the second day of the trip. Whatever happens the last 5 days was a good trip. Now, I am looking forward for my next vacation trip since I still have 3 more weeks to go. Decided to only go back to Pg on next Monday and hoping to Singapore and KL for the final two weeks.

Lol... I am really being greedy with the holidays and lay back time to relax that I can get. But, when comes to think of money... @@ I am actually extremely broke...

ANNOYED and PISS OFF

2008-04-29T21:39:00.005+08:00

Seriously, I am really annoyed and pissed off. What are they thinking? Am I some ball to be pass or kicked around as they like?!! Six interviews with DELL, and each interview is about an hour to an hour and a half. What more is that they have been passing me around in 3 different teams but of the same stupid department.

If I am not short listed then so be it. They don't have to pass me around from one team to another and at the end of the day they tell me that I am not shorlisted and they have recommended me to another team. Why can't they just leave me be like my other two unsuccessful coursemates? It's not that I am really into that job and I have to be polite and not to tell them off if I don't want my name to be blacklisted on jobstreet. Seriously, for my last interview, I just gave the don't care attitude and the lazy asnwers to them.

It's so sickening that I have to do the interview during a vacation and worst of all during my outing with my grandmother. Guess what... had that stupid phone interview for an hour standing at JJ carpet section... @@

Damn...!! What the heck are they thinking?!! If they gonna call another time, I am seriously going to fire them off...

All is DoNe

2008-04-26T02:16:00.003+08:00

Well, I am done with all the shifting and interviews. Had 2 interviews in a day and I only had an hour to rush from one end of the island to the other end. Ended up manage to get the later afternoon bus back. Thought I won't get to come back as I was told bus tickets were sold out. What to expect. Yesterday was a Friday and what more is the last day of Finals for USM students.

Been in and out of Dell 2 times basically, adi 5 interviews I have with them. Sienz... pushing me around teams of the same department only. Anyhow, I guessed I figured out on what kind of a job I want to do. Well... manage to snatch a spot and went for the interview yesterday morning. This I will have to thank my new housemate for helping me. Well, not really all of his help, after all he intro me to his friend working in IdeaSeed and she recommended me to the company.

Yeah, only with the recommendation I got to go for the interview. When I applied earlier on my own with my resume, I didn't even got close enough to be called for the interview at all. Anyhow, thanks to Adrian and Jessy for it. No matter what, both of them played a big part for me to get to go for the interview. Now I only can pray and hope that I get the job since it is of my interest and something related to my field of studies. I seriously don't want to be put down by my family that my degree only can get me a spot in the world by working as a teacher or a lecturer. I really hate it when they start telling me that I am wasting my talent and the years of my degree studies in a career that's not related. Bet, I can finally tell that I am not wasting those 3 years and my talent. Since this is something related and required what I have studied in the last 3 years and this career if I ever get, it's going to be a boost for my Masters as well. Oh...God....pls let me get through with it.....

Anyhow... I think at the mean time I am going to sleep off and get full rest before my Sarawak trip on the 1st of May. I really can't wait to go for a good holiday and spend sometime with my best and close friend before we really part. At the same time, I hope they take their time to consider about my application. Don't want to hv a clash later on since I have to start work immediately or so...

BuRN OuT, DeaD tiReD...

2008-04-22T17:47:00.002+08:00

Messed up room

I am totally burned out... tired to the maximun. Six days of non-stop traveling - Pg to Genting, Genting back to Pg, Pg to Ipoh, a day taking my coursemate touring the town, then Ipoh back to Pg. As for today... a day trip back to Ipoh. Dead tired... Yesterday's one day trip is my fault though. Forgot to take my certs back with me and I have to down to Dell for a face-to-face interview. But then, it was postponed to tomorrow. The phone interview sucks and I was on the phone for that interview for more then 45 minutes.

@@ Still...Thinking back. I still have a lot of packing to do, and my hostel room is still in a mess. I guess that would be a rush since I have to start moving my things tomorrow afternoon after the interview. I just hope that it won't be too long.

Well then, Adios..... Gotta go back and continue packing...........

That's it. Finale! Done! Game Over!

2008-04-15T18:13:00.006+08:00

Well... It's done and GAME OVER!!

That's it the last paper is done. Now we are having our final tea/dinner together before all of us goes separate ways. Two getting married this year and another in 2 years time, and two confirmed Masters in USM. What about others? Will we ever meet again?

Well, it's just sad that all of us have to part. Really, I really cherish these 3 years a lot, and these 3 years have brought a new meaning to my life. I am going to miss my girls as well. It's like been forever we have been sticking together, doing assignments to the late nights and so on. When I mention of assignments and projects, I mean individual works. Whatever is it, we hardly had any group work to do together but only to just support each other and each of our works, study and prepare for exams together. The best part is that, we got so frustrated...and ended up at Starbucks to continues our CL assignment there. How I wish that every moment will last forever.

A lot of people have been questioning me, 'What are you going to do after this?', 'What kind of a job that your degree offers you when u can't go into teaching?', and etc. etc. etc. bla..bla...bla..... Dad's worried about my future and mum and bro have been trying to talk me into lecturing and so on with teaching. Sorry...have no interest in them. Basically, I just don't know. I just need a break and sort out what I want other then wanting to do my Masters. And YES! I am one of the two who got Masters in USM and be starting in July.

I have been applying for jobs too and was adi on an interview with Dell. Now I waiting for the HR department to call me, once I get through it would be the department itself. I guess I should be expecting at least 3 interviews from them. But, what's so great about the job? After all my job is just be on tele-sales for Australia and New Zealand. Working hours and holidays would be following them, and a lot of OTs and so on. Seriously speaking, I am not interested in the job at all. I guess at the time being I just don't care but at least get a job first and slowly get what I want.

Anyway, don't care. I am going Genting tomorrow and go home on Friday after PC Fair. I am going all out to enjoy my last 2 days with the girls. When I am back, it would be a whirl wind of interviews, packing and house shifting. YES!!! I am finally moving out and staying on my own!!!

This is the 2005 to 2008 ELLS...

Wah...gonna miss all of you......

Dreaming my way.....

2008-04-13T21:43:00.004+08:00

Dang...!!

Really miss my younger days. I wish I can go back to those days again. Growing up and being an adult is not easy. Especailly now, you are at the dead end and at the end of your Uni life. You gotta start thinking of getting and jobs and so on. It's so frustrating. What more, is that you have to look for a job and not knowing what interest you have in that job. Think again, what can my degree do? Who want's an English major? I can't seem to find a job that requires an English major, other then Management or Business or Engineering majors.

Each day I browse through jobstreet.com and newpapers... Mass Com Majors or those "important" majors needed but no place for English major.....

Wah....I want go back to dream land and forget about this world. I want go back to 16 or 18 of age instead of a young adult now!!!

Anyhow, I am like dreaming all the way through my final exams. I don't know what I am studying through out my whole exam period. Studying and trying hard to concentrate... But, my mind seems to be flying somewhere else instead of real concentrating on my studies. My mind's like thinking more of the future and also fantersizing something that will not come true..... lalala............ How to do my final paper like this on next Tuesday...??

Most crazy think is that, I have started studying on my last paper but still nothing seems to be in my head. In fact, I only seem to have a bit of memory of it and it's like an unclear memory of it. Really have to pump for my paper tomorrow the whole day. And Damn that tree diagram for Syntax.... It's really making me go crazy.... At least Semantics and Pragmatics are still okay and I still can understand them and remember them.

Lalilali pig pig... I am still in dream land and fantasizing on things...... Lalalalalala............... How to do well in my last paper being like this..... What more I can't wait for my Genting trip on Wednesday right after my paper on Tuesday... Then...I am dreaming of going to Kuching, Sarawak on first of May....but at the same time I also want go to Singapore to Bunny's house warming....... Wah.........How I hope I have clons of myself............... LAlalalalala..........I am going nuts with dreaming.......

Everything is Coming to an End too SooN

2008-04-13T17:31:00.007+08:00

Everything is coming to end real fast. Just a blink and the last semester is gone, and also it's a semester since I wrote anything here. My last paper will be on next Tuesday. And that day really the end of Uni life.

I really don't wish this is the last sem. I just wish that school life will go on and on. I really enjoyed my Uni life dispite the downs I have. Next on, I really don't know what to do. Should I sit back and relax, or should I just start getting a job?

Anyhow, I already got a place to stay here in Penang during my 3 months holidays. Next semester is going to start in July. Yeah, I got my Masters in Arts back in my Uni. I am glad that I got it, at the same time I fear I can't cope with it and as well as I can't get aboard Unis for my Masters. Sigh...I don't know how to describe my feelings. It's just that you feel happy you got it, yet, I just feel the same like nothing changes in the world.

It's also kinda amazing that ppl review your resume and refer you to certain companies. Yeah, I got refer to Dell Malaysia as a Sales Account Manager. Basically, you would just sit and be an operator with Aus and NZ and make sure the accounts are going well. Anyhow, I don't really feel interested for the job. Perhaps if the pay is good then I would think of accepting it. Getting in also will bring other advantages as well.

What ever is it, I still need to hunt for a new laptop...!! Sigh...I miss my lappy very much. But, can I do...?? So, well taken care of it and the motherboard is dead. Sigh.....

I also want travel around this holiday. But, when comes to money wise... Really have to think twice. Even my had friend offer me free accomodation when we go Taiwan, I have to think twice whether I can afford for the air tickets or not. Then...backpacking in Hong Kong... Boon Sin.....you better plan for that... Then Japan with Yee Wun. YEE WUN!!! YOU DON'T DARE FLY AEROPLANE WITH ME ARG...........!! You are the one who suggest that we go Japan if both of us able to grad this year ar.......So, you don't go break promise with me ar.... And make sure we go before July for all trips... Coz, am starting back studies then...

Well, anyhow Good Luck to All those having finals in May and all the Best to All. THose grading with me this April and from USM, Good Luck in the Future and All the Best too.

I AM GOING TO MISS ALL OF YOU, ELLS 2005-2008!!

Should I or Should I not?

2008-02-11T21:55:00.001+08:00

I don't know anymore what should I do. I feeling very confuse with the suffering and pain that I am getting. I feel like I have just been slapped on my face a number of times. Or perhaps should be said that of not of slap but stabbed with a number of times at my heart. I can't contain anymore of these suffering pains that I am getting from him. Tired of it all.

How many times, I have to be hurt by him? Why can't he changed a bit for me? Why is he acting more and more or perhaps said he is getting worst? What have done wrong again? Why is he always provoking me knowing that I am very short temper with him? Why can't we jst have a peaceful New Year without him provoking me? Is gambling so important in his life?

He was never like this before. He always have cared for me knowing I would be traveling and so on. Today, he is totally different. Because of gambling he could forget about me and asked me not to disturbed him coz he wants to concentrate in gambling. What more asking me to pray that he will win. I know it's my fault telling him that I wish he will lose everything. What am I supposed to feel when I got that slapped on my face, "don't disturb me. I need to concentrate."?

It's upsetting. I am like at my limits. And what more at the end of day. Why ever did I care for him? I just don't understand why. Caring for him and I get stabs back at me. Was jst asking out of concern was he home adi or still gambling. Was I wrong to just asked? And his reply was he is home already and thanks to me he lost everything. Was it my fault that he wanted to gamble and lost everything?

He is always full of excuses when ever we engage in an argument that he provoke from me. Then I am always the one getting the blame. Did I not treat him good enough? Am I not giving in enough? I am already trying my best to contain my temper and I felt so much improvement that I didn't flare my temper so much lately but containing it. Yet, what have I done wrong to him to get such treatment from him.

I envy so much of my friends. And they are not even girls but are guys. They told me, they were log head or a cow once. But, for their girlfriends they would do anything and changed for them even though it's their everyday bad habit. I once did asked him to change. Later I guess, I just love him for who he is and I never asked anymore. But, I guess things do changed at times. And I am slowly changing for him yet he had changed nothing but of who he is. I just wonder does he bother a single bit of making me happy with him instead of always provoking me or just leaving me as i am. I too want to depend on someone and depend on him. I too want to feel the love from him.

I am really considering breaking up with him. I don't think I can take it any longer. I know I love him more than he does to me. And i know, if we were to break up I will never recover from it. It be forever a scare for me. But, I can't take his attitude any longer. The longer I stay with him, the worst he gets. I really don't know what I should do now.

Crap poem I wrote for our Assignments...

2008-01-18T21:48:00.001+08:00

Lolz... This is one crap poem I wrote for one of the subject assignments for Valentine's.....

That's the cover.... I spent like 2 hours or more just getting the cover right and finding materials to bind it.... Lolz.... XD And not to forget the content inside. I burn my fingers getting the old looking edge of the paper...
Anyhow, here the poem goes...... Well... I was a bit in anger when I wrote it.... Lolz..... Don't think it ever matters.....

Dearest Love,

It used to be love,

Now it became hatred,

But, my love to thee grew stronger.

My heart breaks like a fragile glass,

Falls like stars in the sky,

Crumples to sand as it hits the ground,

Grinds into dusk as the wind blows.

Yet, I was blessed by God,

My heart was replaced and healed,

Allowing me to love thee more.

I asked myself,

Am I to thee a hateful parasite,

In thy blood,

Does thee hate me this much?

Thee always answer,

Thyself a parasite to me,

That thee live in my blood and heart.

Thee affects my heart and soul,

That I can never be separated from thee,

Thy anger and rage over me,

Yet, thee still the love of mine.

Let this prayer come true, And,

Thy allow this gentle fair maiden,

To love thee with her heart.

Rushing everything, tired up life

2008-01-15T23:17:00.001+08:00

GoD!! I am having my bad allergies again....... And I didn't even eat any seafood or anything that can cause my allergies. As a matter a fact, I hardly ate the whole week.

Hadn't been able to sleep much lately or either eat. Haven't even bought my own new year clothes. I am so broke to the maximum. And I am losing weight like mad. I only just realize that I lost 5kg and that my face slim down to near hollow. Lolz.... I wish to lose more weight then.

Been suffering from migraines almost everyday and as well as insomnia. Only manage to sleep 2 or 3 nights peacefully and the rest restless nights. Some how, I don't know how, just some how, I pulled and twisted my right ankle vain. Swell like a pig head since the second day and hadn't been able to walk much. It was surprising that I can stand 2 days of 8 hours work for both Sunday and Monday. What more to walk all the back to my room to just grabbed my laptop and come down again to online after last night work when I am dead tired and leg dead pain. At the end what did i get? Just because I asked a few questions and he just exploded on me. And the response I get is that I forced him, demanded him, and control him. Why?? All because the few questions I asked.

Forget it. I don't want to hang on anymore if he really decides to give me up. No point I keep holding on to him when he is not happy with me. The more I hold on to him the more is going to suffer with me and hate me a long the way. If my heart is to be broken by him forever then so be it. After this, after him no more man in my life. I had enough. The first was a cheater, liar and a freak. When I finally loved one, this happens. I seriously don't know does he really love me or not, or I am the only one being in love with him.

Work has been ok so far. But, it's really tiring and when especially you can't get any sleep or get yourself to eat but to force at least a bit of food down your throat. Maybe that's the reason why I am losing weight drastically.

Replacement classes are all filling in as well as one of my tutorials group got messed up. My lecturer actually put me in a group of another tutorial slot which is like totally impossible for me to work with them as my time of tutorial is totally different from them. What more, assignments and projects all came in at a single time and also due dates are too soon and it's next month. I feel like I don't have enough time for anything. Maybe it's because I am working as well and need to study, and attend classes. What more tutorial homeworks are like mountains high.

How I wish I am not broke to the maximum then I don't have to work and I could spend more time on my projects and assignments. In fact, don't even have the time to sleep. What more personal problems are really weighing heavily on my shoulders too. I guess that's one of the problems causing my insomnia and migraines. I even have piles of clothes lining up for me to wash and I hadn't have any time to even wash them. I really wish some one could just comfort me and lend m a shoulder to cry on.

Even I cry to the maximum and my eyes swollen also no one would care about me or know or even bother. Life is so messed up for me. I really want to get out of this mess and also stressful and pressure up life. I just want to go into my isolated world and isolate myself forever there and not care for anything about life or care for anyone anymore in this world.

I wanna get real sick, forget and sleep

2008-01-10T21:17:00.002+08:00

Tiredness is really getting on to me and yet I can't get myself to sleep. Think I am having my insomia again. My headache is being on and off the whole day. Well, today is a public holiday. Should not be working today, but then my supervisor called me in. So, I went for the morning shift. Have an extra day of money. It was also good that I worked today. It's still better than I just stayed in room the whole day and study or just read books and day dream.

But, it kinda sucks too. U don't have a single day in a week that you are totally free the whole day. Like now, I have work till Monday, and starting tomorrow till Monday are afternoon shift. Then Tuesday till Thursday, I have classes. Some times, I sit down and think do I have enough time for my studies and projects, presentations and so on?

Or I am just pushing myself to the limit so I have no time for other things or think of other things? Yeah, perhaps it's true that I am hiding from life by burying myself with all the work load, school and have the remaining time on my mountains of projects, presentations and assignments. I seriously don't want to face the reality and I really feel like running from life itself. Anyhow, I missed my bus back and since I was having light fever and headache, I straight took a taxi to go back. Spent my 4 hours work money just to get a 8 minutes ride back. In the end, I didn't go back to my room. Instead ended up going online.

I really wish I am dead sick till I can't get out of bed tomorrow. Maybe then I can have a day or two of pure rest and sleep without any time for any thing at all. All in all, I am just running from the fact that I missed him very much. I really want to see him, wish that he is by my side and hold me tight. But, I know that will never happen. In fact, I think I should just prepare myself to get my heart broken soon. I just had a feeling it will just happen. I seriously don't want to think of it or of him. It's so hard to keep myself for not contacting him. Each time I want to, Sal's, Ling's and Ee Mun's words repeat in my mind, "Why are you always going to him and not him to you? He should be coming to you. All guys only want gals to go to them to keep their pride. So, don't go to him no matter what." Trapped in between..........

How I wished I never met him, never knew him, never fall so much in love with him. Then perhaps I don't have to go through what I have to go through now. And each time I tell myself, I cannot love someone more than he loved me and I can't 100% love a person. I ended up failing all those and failing myself. I over loved him and now I am breaking. Gosh...it's so easy for me to tell Mei Chan that not to trust guys fully and love them fully and what the heck I got myself into.

I stilled remember the bad times she went through and how much she cried and heartache she went through. Looking back then, now I am going through the same path she had gone through, or perhaps even more than she had to go through. I just wish he could just get his decision done and stop dragging me. I am not some toy of a doll or a toy car to be toyed around or dragged around. I am human, and I have feelings too. If I have to hurt to death, why can't he just let me have that and be done with our relationship. If he wants to continue, why can't we just be together and he tolerate and care more of me, instead of just giving me a "don't know" as an answer. In fact that, he finds that fixing his friends computer is more important than answering and giving me a decision. Perhaps he is doing it on purpose to drag me. I am not angry or anything about him fixing his friend's computer. But, is it more important than dragging a human feelings here?

I just don't know and don't understand why is it so difficult to love one another for us? I really want to know, how much does he loved me all this while?

Man... the worst thing is that, even my friends could see that I loved him more than him to me. And now each of them keep reminding me or telling me to reconsider him. How can I just reconsider him, when I can't even open my mouth or get those "break-up" words out of my mouth to him? If we were to break-up, he would have to be the one to do it.

Anyhow, I need sleep and I want to sleep....... I just wish that my headache will just stop. It's damn annoying my headache, and my eyes are getting blur...

Jordan Knight - Say Goodbye

2008-01-09T23:00:00.001+08:00

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Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Yeah
I’ve been so lost lately
I don’t really understand baby
Where did I go wrong
I wanna talk to you
Please call
–==Deborah==–
Where do I begin with you
after all that we’ve been through
I don’t think that it would be right if we
got together so suddenly
–==Jordan==–
I wish that I could take back all the things that I said
and replace them with simply I love you instead

–==Deborah==–
You don’t wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try
–==Jordan==–
But I only wanted you to stay
then I let you just slip away
–==Deborah==–
If you didn’t listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn’t matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
–==Jordan==–
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye
Mmm Oh yeah

–==Jordan==–
I think about the past baby
Why we couldn’t make it last, lady
I know you still have doubts
But I’m gonna prove that we can work things out
–==Deborah==–
I wanna be sure that you know what you put me through
and reveal that you intend to never let me down again
–==Jordan==–
It’s clear to me and I can’t ignore
that I have to give you something I couldn’t before

–==Deborah==–
You don’t wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try
–==Jordan==–
[Say Goodbye lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But I only wanted you to stay
then I let you just slip away
–==Deborah==–
If you didn’t listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn’t matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
–==Jordan==–
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye

–==Deborah==–
I didn’t think that we would come to this
–==Jordan==–
Ooh, no
Your eyes, your face, your smile is what I miss
–==Deborah==–
Why’d you wait so long to take me back
–==Deborah & Jordan==–
It’s all a simple misunderstanding

–==Deborah==–
You don’t wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try (Never wanna try)
–==Jordan==–
But I only wanted you to stay
then I let you just slip away
-==Deborah==–
If you didn’t listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn’t matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
–==Jordan==–
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye

–==Deborah==–
You don’t wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try (But I never meant to say)
–==Jordan==–
But I only wanted you to stay
then I let you just slip away
–==Deborah==–
If you didn’t listen to your heart inside (Never meant to see you cry, never meant to say)
then it really doesn’t matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
–==Jordan==–
Girl, I never meant to say goodb

I don't know anymore, I just wish to disappear

2008-01-09T22:19:00.001+08:00

I feel so lost these few days. After Saturday night argument with him, again he refused to contact me but just ignored me. Yeah, I have to be the one again to contact him if i really want to be happy with him. Cause he only expects me to go to him and not him to me. As usual his reasons are that he is tired of apologizing to me and letting me cool down and so on. I do some times wonder, is he doing it purposely?

Lost concentration at work the last few days. Took shoes from high shelf and it fell on me. On Monday got myself screwed by one of my co-workers for not being careful. Was walking on the side walk and kinda lost focus awhile, slip and fell. Bruised up my left hand. It still hurts till now as it's skin is off and there was split at the flesh. But, then it was not that bad. Just that I can't move it much around.

Tried to talk to him last night. And I don't even know he realized or not yesterday was our 4th month anniversary. I guessed he didn't even bother about it. And he admitted a lot of things that really break my heart. He admitted that I loved him more than him and I also realized that he can't really do or sacrifice things for me. In fact, I felt that he sees his reputation as a very important thing too. He even admitted if I don't messaged or go back to him, he would have continued to just ignored me. It really cut me like a knife. It hurts so much. I really wanted to cry that time, and I keep begging myself not to since I was in public.

I really want to cry. I cried, but I can't seem to cry all out. My mind keeps going back to him. I missed him a lot. I can't sleep at night, I don't have appetite to eat

I asked him today, did he meant what he said to me on 2nd Jan. His reply was he don't remember, then came next that he was sleeping and just simply answered me. He even said it was too early for that now. Then why did you asked me twice that night? He replied it was just teasing me, if really would, he would have got a ring and so on. You bought me a ring that day and u asked me on the same day twice!!

I felt like I was being played. My heart then breaks another crack again. I really don't know what I should feel anymore. I don't even know what I should tell him and what I should not. Cause I am so afraid that I will hurt him further or make him angry. And I am very afraid of how he would treat me. Those harsh ways and those voice raising that he would do. I really can't stand them. I really just want to break into pieces and fade away from this world. But, anyhow I told him to decide what he wants from this relationship. Does he wants to continue or not? I just wish he could just stop dragging me. I can't take all these pain anymore. What ever he wants, including break-up, I will give in to him. I don't want to hold on to him anymore if it hurts him so much to be with me.

I just don't know anymore. I just wish to disappear from this world. So, I don't have to worry about all these kind of things and life.

Tired, stressed, and frustrated.

2008-01-05T21:55:00.001+08:00

It's my 3rd day of work, and today I had morning shift. The last 2 days was ok and I don't have worried about my transport and all. Since I had the same shift as Saras. Today was ok since I had the morning shift and transport was ok since I can take the bus. But, now I have to worry about tomorrow and Monday.

Finally, after so many days I get to meet him online on webcam. I really missed him a lot. Especially when I had nothing to do during work, I really think of him and us. How I just wished that he is by my side.

But, I know we will have to go through a lot of hardship and crisis. It's pay back on what I have done in my previous relationship. There is always this saying that what ever you have done, it will hit you back one day. I guess what we went through the last few days was part of what I have to faced. The only thing is that I have to be strong to go through all of it no matter how bad things will be. But, I know I will never be able to say break up to him ever again. Cause I really love him and I really can't bring those words to my mouth to say it. It shows a lot when I tried to run from him the last 3 times when he was here last weekend. But, it didn't work. At the end I went back to him. I just can't bring myself to leave him.

Still I am really tired from work. And I just realized there is a presentation this Tuesday early morning. And my group have done nothing. Messaging my group mates and none of them replied me. I guessed I have to do the research and get prepared everything. I just hoped that I won't be too tired since there is another 2 more days before I can have my 2 days break from work.

Anyhow, we argued again now. What is reputation? Yeah, he thinks that reputation is really important to me. If so, I would not have started this relationship with him. I would have picked someone my rank or my status to have a relationship with it. There are things that can be joke about and there are some you can't. People may know that you joked about them, but still it brings bad impression. They may not show it out on their face but you never know their heart.

You think me biting him was a fun thing to do? It hurts me even more when it's suppose to hurt him and not me. Yes!! It hurts me 5 times more that I bite him. There is a reason behind it that I did it and I have been regrating each second I could. Why? Cause it hurts me more that I have hurt him. Even him getting angry or just giving me a black face or frustrated and stress with his work it hurts me. It just does, and I just feel so useless I can't help him and the more I tried to help him the more mistakes and I hurt him or make him more and more angry with me.

I am not talking about my reputation or how important I appear to people. But, due to his remindings and comparings of his best friend's wife, it hits me more. Will I be some day treated as her by others, by his friends? Would he be happy if I were treated like that? I know I think a lot. But, I just can't help it. I am just born like that. It really upsets me. And I know it's my fault that I find fault with him. It hurts even more, even though it was a joke that was said, that his friends could said those words to him, "If it were me, I would have dumped her long ago." It hurts hearing those words. I feel so useless, it hurts and breaks my heart even more. Cause it's my fault in the first place that i bit him. I just feel so useless that I can't control myself no matter how bad the situation was. I just feel so stupid. I just feel that his friends are right. Having a girl like me what good will he get? I just don't know what more I can do or response other than being hurt and feel my heart crack another crack, as I wonder when will this heart of mine finally crump to dusk?

Things just got from bad to the worst of the worst

2008-01-02T22:38:00.001+08:00

Things just got from bad to the very worst. I don't know what happened but we argued and fight more then ever. It even got to the point that I ran away from him 3 times since he came here to celebrate New Year and his b'day here.

I just don't understand what I have done wrong that I deserved this kind of treatment from him. It just happened. Even there was his fault that he threw his temper at me but it just seems that it's never his wrong but my wrong and my fault. These few days are really bad and I just don't understand why. I even asked him what have I done to deserve how he treated me. We both finally break down and cried together on the night of countdown for both New Year and his b'day. But, still it didn't stopped there but another argument and I ran for the third time on New Year's day and also his b'day.

I just wished all those never happened. It seems what ever I have planned nothing went according to plan. Everything was just ruined. Including my heart. I also realized something during these few days and so much argument and fight we went through, I realized that I loved him more than he loved me. I could go to any extend to do anything for him or to just pleased him. I planned his b'day and his gifts so carefully but nothing worked at the end. I really don't know I was the one who spoiled it, or he spoiled it. There was not only once he raised his voiced at me or throw his temper at me during this trip. Each time he does that, my heart breaks more and more. And I even told him that I loved him more than he loved me. I really don't know he realized that or not.

But, at least today was his last day here and everything at least went according to plan and went well. Was rather unexpected that he never liked to wear ring that he suggested to buy couple ring. We bought a pair of silver ring and what more unexpected was he proposed twice in the car tonight while we were waiting for his bus to arrived. When he asked me, I really wanted to say yes to him. But, I didn't. I just felt that he don't meant it eventhough he asked me twice. I really do wished he was serious about it even though, I know now is too early to talk about all this. But, my heart was so filled for once by him. I just don't know why, I keep falling for him more and more when I keep telling myself not to. I just don't seem to be able to stop myself from it. More so it was really sad to part with him. Especially you are sending him off at the bus station. I really didn't want him to go. And I really wished that we never wasted the last 4 days with all our argument and fights. I really wished we had enjoyed the last 4 days liked today and be happy being together.

It's even sadder when you know that, we are not going to meet every month anymore this year compared to last year. And we don't know when again we will be seeing each other again. 3 months from now? During my b'day which is 6 months away? Or during my convocation in August? It may just seem three months we have been together, but it seems like we have been together for years. Our relationship started really fast and things went so fast and so naturally btw us. It's like nothing btw us was false and that it's like years of being together. I really don't know whether he felt it or not. He never tells me though.........

It's Xmas.....

2007-12-27T21:42:00.001+08:00

Just reached Penang this morning at 7.30pm from S'pore... Rushed my head off for my 8am class then after that went for breakfast with Fida and Leen. Had fun though. Best is that, after that we went to Queensbay and watched a AVP 2. Not a very nice movie though. Not much of a story line for a movie but jst aliens keep eating humans and oni at the end u get to see the alien+prediator fighting with prediator. I wanna watch National Treasure 2.

La..la...la...... am in Singapore for Xmas and it was really nice. Went countdown at Orchard Road with Salma and her sis as well as with Bunny. The trip overall was ok and it was fun. I really enjoyed the trip, despise all the bad happenings on Xmas eve...

Well many thanks to Ling and Sal for making the trip possible eventhough all of us didnt get to meet up, except and me meeting up with Sal and her sis. Too bad timing was not rite for Ling to meet up with us.

Lol...we all got caught up with all the snow shower that was being spray around by everyone around... Was pack with people and the day of Xmas evening they have road parades and also concert at Orchard Road.

Was glad that I am able to spend our very first Xmas together and had so much fun. But, we didnt stay long for all of it. Instead we went Bishan Junction 8 for dinner with Bunny's good and best friends. Then we went PRAWN FISHING... 0.0

I really had fun with the prawn fishing. I managed to like fished 4 and Bunny manage to only fish one. And it was the largest one in all our fishing of 16 prawns.... It was fun too, to sit behind an open back truck of Bunny's friend. A lot of new experience and also getting to know Bunny's friends. I fell much relax and I really enjoyed my time with his friends rather than with Ex's friends.

Really, I really did enjoy my Xmas in Singapore and more to it, I like Bunny's family a lot much better than Ex's family. I feel more welcome and I feel the family warmth from his parents. And his parents would just take me anywhere I want to or take anything I want to eat. What more when I cooked for them on the last day, they really enjoyed it and his dad finished everything. Comparing with Ex's family...I just dunno...... I don't feel the warmth from his family or anything. Most of all his mom was adi asking me to move to stay with them when I grad this April and even register first @@....... *I am not ready for that yet* Anyhow, on the day I left... his mom gave me an 'angpau'. According to Bunny...... it meant that his parents accepted me @@

Can't wait till 29 Dec 2007 for Lex to Penang.

What Is Love?

2007-12-07T21:35:00.001+08:00

When we claim that it's love that we have for someone, are we correct?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
It is not love, its like.
You cant keep your eyes or hands off of them .. am i right?
Its not love, its lust.
Are you proud and eager to show them off?
Its not love, its luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
Its not love, its loneliness.
Are you there because its what everyone wants?
Its not love, its loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand?
Its not love, its low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don`t want to hurt them?
Its not love, its pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
Its not love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care bout them?
Its not love, its friendship.
Do you tell them everyday they are the only one you think of?
Its not love, its a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
Its not love, its charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then its love.
Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then its love.
Do you stay because blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?
Then its love.
Do you accept their faults because they are a part of who they are?
Then its love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then its love.
Would you allow them to leave you not because they want to but because they have to?
Then its love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then its love.
If love is painful and tortures us, why do we love?
Why is it that`s all we search for in life? This pain .. this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture .. this powerful death of self? Why?!
The answer is so simple cause its.. LOVE..
It is such an addiction that even people who are not having it wish to experience and share it.

Does It Matter?

2007-11-20T21:36:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time it was called love,
Called care, and blindness,
The deepest passion from the soul,
A thought of future and fantasy.

Knowing it will only be a dream,
Of feelings of untold desires,
Mistakes of the words, misunderstanding of speech.
That never stops stabbing the bleeding heart.

My heart breaks into a million pieces,
That showers off the sky like raining stars,
Crumples to sand as it hits land,
Grind to dust as the wind blows.

Then, I knew I was a fool,
A fool for playing with my own heart,
A fool for listening to my own desires,
A fool playing as a child.

My darkest past,
Comes back to haunts me,
As what sin I have done,
And now, I have a repayment of sin to do.

Yet, I tried to pick myself up,
Trying to ignore all feelings,
Trying to move on,
What most, trying to be someone else.

The more I tries to escape and listen,
The harder I tried being another,
Then realization hits me,
I hurt myself more when I ignore myself.

My heart sheds blood in my own hands,
What have I done?
I killed two hearts with a stone,
And there is no turning back.

I lost my senses together with my heart,
Sold and made a contract with the devil,
Took my pain and grief with me to my grave,
And now...My heart belongs to the devil.